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I've been unhappy with the style of pointless things going around on IQ lately. One of the recurring themes Im gathering is that there are some people who want to attract love quite badly and are stuck in out-dated paradigms.

Take this classic material for example,

I am unshamelessly addressing the boys here on IQ because there is some information which could save your life.

I have been working on charisma and confidence through external sources and have stumbled upon a book which is must read for any guy that struggles with girls. I post it here, because there are many "nice guys" (such as I used to be) on IQ and there are many recurring arguments spinning around what girls really want and what guys need to do. Males are asking for advise on attracting love and ironically the answer is coming from females all over IQ. IQ is predominantly a female dominated website with the greatest activity from females, these answers come from good intentions yet they, unfortunantly, are not applicable and lack meaning and use.

Such as the famous "be yourself" thing. I have heard this countlessly everywhere....FROM WOMEN!!

And on IQ many of the manifesting methods involve doing nothing about your desire! To get a girl, I thought I'd do a focus block for it or do some EFT tapping or otherwise 'hand it over to the universe.' GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD! Sexual attraction is never addressed concretely here on IQ up until now and I am here to lay the foundation of what it is to be a man of integrity and perfection and get girls.

This is a post on how to "manifest love." The word manifest makes me sick so I will not use it anymore but address it as, attract women!

There is huge risk of getting attacked here and many down votes but I am doing this for the good. As I said, this is for the boys on IQ who are ready for a harsh boost.

The book "No More Mr Nice Guy" has been the most insightful, belief-neutralising text I have ever read in my life. I was laughing through release of energy at all the beliefs I was dropping through reading this.

Here is the link for the entire book. It shows the being a nice guy doesnt not work in society and actually counter-productive. Nice guys care what others think, try and please everyone, consider themselves victims (sounds similar to IQ posts?) and are trained at a young age that having masculine energy is a sin.

Our user @Eldavo struck cords with me looong time ago with similar ideas he referenced.

May this serve and help you out gentleman.

And yes, leave your criticism because I am eager to have an intelctual argument with you for the purpose of developing men with healthy minds of high-self esteem and real worth, not aritifical toppings desgined to come across as 'nice' and 'being yourself.'

asked 30 Oct '13, 01:30

Nikulas's gravatar image


edited 30 Oct '13, 02:01

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦


@Nikulas I don't like to use the word "manifest" too easily nowadays too, but I still think that "manifesting" a relationship is still greatly dependent on the concepts/ideas brought up time and time again on this site. For anyone who is longing a partner and just can't seem to "manifest" it yet, they ought to ask themselves this question - Are you ready to accept another person into your life? Like, literally in the next second if she appears?

(30 Oct '13, 07:41) kakaboo

Most people would answer yes of course at first, but if they really ask themselves deeper they would find that the answer is actually no. And that is what most people can work on, removing the resistance about suddenly having another person into their own undisturbed life

(30 Oct '13, 07:41) kakaboo

nikulas, perhaps, in time, you get to know what an inward quest truly is. groping to be with a lover may be a distant need that satisfies a cultural conception that others have of who and whta one ought be, however, the quest may be to know thyself and to understand the happenstance of your earthlife now

(30 Oct '13, 14:37) fred

@nikulas how do you expect them to tell you what they want when they do not know them self. you see in this world male in the pass where the boss and decided for women and the family. and task where split across the male and the female. man did is part and women did her part. then someone women decided that men where not ok and they deserved better and wanted their freedom and to get their freedom they needed to work like the man. it as bring what you are experiencing today. are they more free?-

(30 Oct '13, 19:26) white tiger

or do you ear them complain that they do not have enough time between the work and taking care of the house and the children? be your self is a good advice but first get to know yourself then you will know other. being a nice guy is not the problem and it can work, the real question is where do you find the nice girl? if you are a nice guy and know what you want does it really matter if you do not get the quantity? if you are looking for the quality yes the chance to find the right girl is more-

(30 Oct '13, 19:36) white tiger

slim. are you not better alone then trap with the wrong girl? or will you accept anything even things that change yourself not for the better and not to your liking just to say look I am not alone I have a girl also? on that last question if you are beginning to thing yes that is exactly what I am experiencing and are starting to see a list of things that does not please you but that you always accept day after day after day it might be time to solve those and see if you have the right girl.-

(30 Oct '13, 19:42) white tiger

you are a guy a men not a carpet, learn to put your foot down once in a while and talk with the girl. on less you prefer to endure to show to other on the outside look I am not alone I have a girl and we love each other and everything is fine. and inside it is completely the opposite. who are you trying to foul? do you not think that some people do not see it. if you are a man that is working take cares of the kid the house and everything in between and the girl sit on her ### and do nothing it-

(30 Oct '13, 19:47) white tiger

is time that you wake up. she complain all the time and you always do everything to please, why because she is pretty or give you sex. do you not think that you are pretty also and you give her sex also you are 2 in this. be nice be yourself but do not be a carpet. men up a bit. also before some women start to look for saw dust in my eye. I know that some men do the same think with women well talk to your men. you see the advice work both way you are 2 in this.

(30 Oct '13, 19:51) white tiger

I indulge myself in pointless talk. Since regardless of how pointless an opinion-based debate is, it adds sort of color or mood to any strictly factual conversation. I like getting moody. Moods are like clothes you put on your body.

But of course we can always see the naked fact...if you want someone to love you, determine which cravings and desires they currently harbor in their hearts based on their life experience and instill those qualities within yourself to appeal on them...

(31 Oct '13, 12:13) CalonLan

Why does the word "manifest" make you sick?

(31 Oct '13, 19:38) flowsurfer

@CalonLan- Idk ### you ever talking about man. I think you've got some good information and service to give to other people, but I just dont get like 80% of the things youve ever said. I'm only saying because I think youre really wise and can help me (and all) out with your wisdom but man I just never understand your riddle talk.

(31 Oct '13, 20:23) Nikulas

@flowsurfer- The word "manifest" usually will give me an onset of the typical cold and flu sympotoms. I'll need lots of tissues to blow my nose and I get things similar to hayfever. The more I hear "manifest", the more boxes of tissues I go through. Lately it has been giving me back aches...Tiger balm is helping though, but every time I type 'manifest' I feel ill. I also have a stomach bug manifesting in my stomach because of the word "manifesting."

(31 Oct '13, 20:29) Nikulas

@flowsurfer- I have booked an appointment with my GP, I'll ask her why the word manifesting makes me sick. I'm sure it will be a very insightful learning experience and well worth the visit. So, I'll let you know. Stay in tune.

(31 Oct '13, 20:30) Nikulas

@Nikulas I am serious. Does it strike you as loser talk, evading responsibility for one's life?

(31 Oct '13, 21:04) flowsurfer

@flowsurfer- "Manifesting" to me, I identify as an unrealistic term for airy fairy weak-minded, wishful thinking wanting of something. Taking action...that's masculine and inspired.

It's just my personal dislike of terminology with my belief systems no need to get deep into this @flowsurfer. If you try and change others belief systems thats when you engage in disappointment and a battle you cant win.

End of my talk.

(31 Oct '13, 21:43) Nikulas

@Nikulas, then worry not about things you don't understand.

But if you're so eager, then ponder on this. You made a post focused solely on transformation of men in order to attract girls. I didn't read the book but from the talk of it, I would assume it's about the same topic, that is how do I - as a man - change myself to be attractive to women.

Confidence is not about being able to live up to someone's else expectations. On the contrary, it's being able to live not needing to fulfill...

(01 Nov '13, 03:21) CalonLan

...anyone's requirements.

This is what lack of clarity do to people. It is their undoing. Love, is a vague term. And just like Luck, is used to substitute multitude of relationships of cause-and-consequence, which we do not or do not wish to understand. Love = suggests lack of clarity.

What is it you're looking for when you say you're looking for love? It is not what you are trying to become in order to attract someone, but what is the void you're trying to fill with that someone...

(01 Nov '13, 03:34) CalonLan

Perhaps you feel lonely, so you change yourself to attract a mate who's presence would negate that loneliness?

Maybe you lack confidence, so you go out asking girls to prove to yourself, an action which suggests you are confident indeed.

But think, why does asking a girl out seems such a big task. It seems so, because guys are intimidated by them. This can be observed in every area of life. An employee intimidated to speak up to his boss. Weak personality intimidated by strong ones...

(01 Nov '13, 03:42) CalonLan

...Now, wouldn't it be more efficient and effective to simply recognize the reasons for one's intimidation and remove them, than going on a quest of lengthy transformation trying to attract someone?

Intimidation is a form of fear, why would I fear anyone? Should I fear their superior intelligence, height, weight, strength ? No, there is no value in these qualities in factual universe. In our universes however, we assign values to them, we intimidate ourselves by our own belief systems...

(01 Nov '13, 03:47) CalonLan

...I too would say, I'm looking for a girl. Or a companion to be more specific, because in fact I wouldn't reject a guy either if he were to fit what I'm looking for exactly.

But not to have a way of releasing sexual energy, it is more efficient if I suit myself. Neither to stimulate my mind with philosophical or psychological topics, again I'm better of talking to myself.

What I'm looking for is a certain level of interaction, the more sophisticated the higher amusement I get from it...

(01 Nov '13, 03:55) CalonLan

...I take pleasure in the interaction of the known (me) and the unknown (someone else). In that crazy, yet rare, fiery spark, when your eyes meet and two worlds collide. This to me is a flavor of life, just like I like to try various drinks to explore the life I like to explore flavors of relationship with people.

It all serves my amusement. Fact is, these relationships are irrelevant, just like flavors of drinks and dishes would be.

The point is, be yourself is valid point..

(01 Nov '13, 04:01) CalonLan

...oftentimes misunderstood. You can only enjoy the flavors of life, if you have stable palette to taste them with.

Being yourself is far superior to being anything else. It will provide you with clarity with just about any topic or area of life you will encounter. Regardless of who this yourself is...moody, lazy, frivolous, rude...nothing bad with being bad. Opinions are irrelevant. In factual universe everything is and based on that, a life lived with a perception becomes just a mood.

(01 Nov '13, 04:11) CalonLan

@CalonLan- Your points make sense here. Respect to you. Do it more often.

(01 Nov '13, 04:19) Nikulas

if people would be in truth then they would know true love. since they do not know them self and are looking only on the outside to do like everyone else to please every one else that is why they are poor. if they would be able to know them self clean the inside of the cup and please them self they would not need to look on the outside for what is on the inside. as long as the focus is outside you foul yourself on what is really important and you are divided from yourself. the dead are not-

(02 Nov '13, 02:32) white tiger

alive and the living will not die. many are waiting for the raising of the dead on the outside. they should use the time imparted to them wisely and look for the living one. you are not in darkness any more walk while you have the light.

(02 Nov '13, 02:36) white tiger

A free book I'm not supposed to read - sorry, I couldn't resist. I read most of it anyway. There is some good stuff in it Nikulas but like most books written by men for men (or equally women for women) it can be a bit one sided. Here is a book for all the single men and women on IQ It is a bit more light hearted with some cartoons that made me laugh out loud, but would give any heterosexual person some insights into how the opposite sex think, always useful!

(03 Nov '13, 03:08) Catherine

Cal is right @Nik Confidence is freedom.

(03 Nov '13, 05:06) ele

HAHA I recognized the post you used as an example. Thanks, I suppose. Nonetheless if you did pay attention to some of the things being said on there, not once did I act as if I was the "nice guy" or using those methods. None was an act of desperation nor was I or am I seeking approval from another human being in order to gain confidence that is lacking (like in most desperate males). In fact it was my rebellious/cocky attitude (religiously and otherwise) that drew us together.

(03 Nov '13, 21:35) The Chosen One123

A few of the people commenting and offering advice (all amazing answers btw) may have assumed that I had been begging. I stated how I felt emotionally, not necessarily how I have acted through out the situation. But when it comes to an individual seeking love, TRUE LOVE, I see no reason to play games or use borderline manipulative methods of the mind or even "playing it safe" by being nice to do so. It's a mixture of overlooking that which does not truly matter and at the same time maintaining

(03 Nov '13, 21:41) The Chosen One123

your integrity and some of your pride in the midst of that struggle. In other words, when you find the right person, the "rules" don't matter, your drive, love and intention does. This is a helpful and good question though, glad you used mine as the main example!

(03 Nov '13, 21:42) The Chosen One123

@Catherine, as if women weren't driven by force of nature towards the want of sex...or men weren't moved by ideas of emotional fulfillment to look for love.

Maybe, one day we stop stereotyping. ;p

(04 Nov '13, 03:54) CalonLan

@Calon Lan I wondered whether someone would point out the gender stereotyping ... good point. A couple of reviewers on Amazon made the same point. The book, written by a couple, is more balanced and more complicated than its title suggests. No one is suggesting that men don't look for emotional fulfilment Calon Lan. I know from experience that they do.

(04 Nov '13, 05:02) Catherine
showing 0 of 32 show 32 more comments

the Nice guy not getting girls usually is because in this case the nice guy is not confident guy. He still has not figured himself out and is not strong in his own self. thats the main issue - its not because he is nice. So his vibration is not aligned to getting a girl if you put it in LOA terms.

Also the theory of bad boys get girls. Yes they do because of their confidence and many times arrogance too. Also the girls who stay with such bad boys - try asking what kind of girl would stay with a guy when treated badly?? do you really want that kind of girl? But yes they do get girls. as their vibration has trained them to get girls and they are aligned in that context. but the bad boy has other issues that can be quite detrimental.

So you really want the best of the both. Be very strong and have great will power and be a man in that sense with lot of character. YOu have a life - meaning your only job is not to chase girls. But don't trick girls or do pretense stuff. You may get laid with some girls but on the long run you will be at a disadvantage with those behaviors. You want to be rounded as a person and genuine too. and not be the guy who just can get girls from a bar or so.

If you are decently put together and have interesting life of your own, lot of the times girls would want to go with you.

i think in the pUA community quite a few have also addressed the Inner confidence thing too. But its possible there is overemphasis on the outer aspects. these succeed in general to the extent to which your inner is secure. Or would work on girls whose inner confidence is also not up there. SO its a match. but these pua techniques do get the guy to think he has "Game" and at least get him out there with some action to talk to girls so he would at least attract the girls he was already a match to. But a lot would realize it does not work if you do the work only on outer techniques.


answered 31 Oct '13, 08:34

abrahamloa's gravatar image


edited 31 Oct '13, 14:59

abrahamloa, you expend much energy in your words. it for each to know if he lets the world or the heavens trap/entrance his mind and cloud free will. some are impelled to find a place to park their yani and no that may not be at all an efficient use of ones creative life force

(31 Oct '13, 20:36) fred

@fred, you lost me there. i have no clue what you are trying to say except the first line - seems to like you are saying i talk too much. hopefully my talk makes sense. If not you are totally free to ignore it. dont know what else to say.

(01 Nov '13, 05:18) abrahamloa

In my experience, the girls liking bad boys thing is more something which happens when we are younger - partly because younger women haven't had the life experience to figure out that the allure of bad boys isn't worth the pain, and also because a lot of good guys only develop confidence when they are a bit older. That's my excuse for my misspent youth anyway ;) And a lot of bad boys aren't truly confident, just very very good at acting that way.

(01 Nov '13, 10:58) cassiopeia

I read about some of the PUA techniques and laugh to myself thinking who the hell would be duped by this... But honestly, ages 16-22, I probably would have. And a lot of PUAs (at least the more morally questionable ones) seem to target that age group.

(01 Nov '13, 10:59) cassiopeia

(Not that there is anything wrong with going for younger girls especially if you are young yourself, but I have read some disturbing stuff from the PUAs that deliberately target young girls and girls with low self-esteem because they are easier to get into bed)

(01 Nov '13, 11:03) cassiopeia

pua techniques keep on working on any age... its based on self esteem and maturity of the woman which is nothing to do with age - although you would think .. .. anyway it does not matter.. if you use methods that are not holistic you will attract other problems even if you get the girl ...

(01 Nov '13, 20:00) abrahamloa

@abrahamloa I viewed Fred's comment "you expend much energy in your words" as a compliment - meaning you put a lot of heart and passion in your words.

(03 Nov '13, 05:00) ele

@ele, oh! thx so much!

(04 Nov '13, 21:25) abrahamloa
showing 2 of 8 show 6 more comments

Ohoho it seems like we have a PUA over here, watch out ! :D You're lucky that I'm not an AFC, I think :)

Ok soo, before I encountered Bashar's teachings and this forum I studied the art of attraction, seducion etc. because all boys want to have all the girls, logically :D So I too wanted to have that kind of lifestyle.

But I found out (from experience) that there are only 2 relevant things to attract girls : confidence and humor..And plus that, I started to study Bashar and the structure of existence roughly in the same time. I adopted those teachings as a fact and made them my own (if thats the appropriate phrase :D )

So I started to combine the principles of reality creation from Bashar with some "Earthly principles of attracting women" (confidence, humor,...) I adjusted my state of being and how I see myself as. I started to feel the way someone who is successful with women would feel. And there were results. So I discarded most of the routines/techniques/teachings for attracting girls because I didn't need them and is tiering to remember them all. I only left some techniques/routines that are funny/exciting to use. In the end they just are only permission slips to get what you want.

So it all comes to that how you see yourself as, how you feel, what do you believe in. (regarding attracting the opposite sex) And you will create a reality in which women will COME TO YOU. They will try to seduce you, not the other way around, but most times going into action yourself is very exciting :DD

I'm now 18 years old, soon 19 and I think I'm doing realy well with women. And plus that God wanted to set my game on difficulty - "hard" because I started to bald very very it shook my confidence a bit but it builds up my charisma because I stand out :D And I'll read that book because I too have some beliefs left that I want to get rid of, thank you Nikulas

Good luck guys :D


answered 30 Oct '13, 06:51

Marin's gravatar image


PUA means "pick up artist" so you know

(30 Oct '13, 06:53) Marin

Don't think that @Nikulas is necessarily a PUA, he is also about your age, @Marin, whatever that is worth. However I see an question here in how to attract "women" as sounding like a PUA.

Perhaps how to attract "a woman" or "a partner" might be more satisfying in the long run.

I do like your confidence and humor!

(30 Oct '13, 07:36) Dollar Bill

Great reply Marin, I agree with confidence and humour - see the part in my answer when I talk about a friend of mine - butt-ugly but loads of women are attracted to him because of his confidence and sense of humour.

(30 Oct '13, 09:51) cassiopeia

@Marin- Good contribution. Use what works for you, for years I havnt found anything that worked for me apart from being an alpha male and using the material applied in this book. I can defs feel that humour shining through "oooh we've got a pua" hahahaha that cracked me up.

(31 Oct '13, 20:26) Nikulas

Relevance of things to attract girls depends solely on who it is you are trying to attract. In light of such understanding, your universal list of the only 2 things (confidence and humor) is rendered irrelevant.

Or if you wish to examine the scenario from the other side, just think of how simplistic must a person be to get attracted by confidence and humor only. Would a person like that be able to provide fulfillment you are looking for in them? Not to mention we are attracted to what we lack.

(01 Nov '13, 03:07) CalonLan

I would heed Calons points.

(01 Nov '13, 04:19) Nikulas

@CalonLan It is never depending on WHO YOU ARE TRYING TO SEDUCE, but what you believe in while trying to seduce that SOMEONE. Now, talking about humor and confidence actually means resonating with the energy of feeling good and succesfull in what you are about to do(seduce someone). remember, what actually happens is that your energies combine into one, co-creating the reality that is happening to you and the entity you are seducing. So basicly all you need to do is have good energy and believe

(01 Nov '13, 05:49) Balrog6236

@CalonLan - Of course confidence and humour aren't enough in themselves. Just like being pretty isn't enough for girls. There are a lot more things that come into play in love matches. But confidence and humour will definitely widen the pool of people that are attracted to you. Whereas low self-confidence and no sense of humour will shrink it.

Take it from a girl, those things are aphrodisiacs. But in the long run, you gotta have compatible personalities.

(01 Nov '13, 06:15) cassiopeia

Look at it this way - a pretty girl is going to have a much easier time attracting men. Whether those men stay with her in the long run depends on her personality and their compatibility. It's the same for men with confidence and humour. They are the initial attractors, but if you don't have anything else to offer then you won't get much further than a one-night-stand.

But if you have a great personality but lack those 2 traits, not many girls will stick around to find out how great you are.

(01 Nov '13, 06:22) cassiopeia

@Balrog6236, but of course it is, is what they find interest in, that they find in you and are therefore drawn to you.

You may be rich, handsome, intelligent, everything. But how would you seduce someone who takes no interest in that? How would you inspire an interest in a person that has no interest in anything you can offer. You wouldn't. To them, you wouldn't probably even exist. Now, seduce that with your beliefs. ;)

(01 Nov '13, 07:53) CalonLan

@cassiopeia, we could be here for weeks putting together an analysis how individual traits provide opportunities to get to know other people and consequently allow for those people to discover person's other, perhaps, more precious or rare, traits.

And, indeed, confidence and humor allow you to broaden the spectrum of your potential encounters. But the approach of finding a person to fall in love with you suggest here, resembles going out onto an open sea with dynamite hoping to catch...

(01 Nov '13, 08:08) CalonLan

...yourself some fish, and when you do. Your hoping continues that the fish will be eatable. In other words, you are leaving far too many variables open. Of course it might be fun, if having fun is your primary objective.

However, in order to find a suitable mate, it is crude and ineffective. I suggest, a person clearly understands what he is looking for, and then proceeds with his journey.

An objective defines the path. If you know what you want exactly, the objective and the pleasure...

(01 Nov '13, 08:13) CalonLan

...of reaching it, will be automatically embodied in the path leading to it.

But many people try to do it in a reverse matter, they take a path, or technique, or an advice, without even considering where it is taking them. And when they arrive at the place where the path was designed to take them, they are surprised, oftentimes, unpleasantly.

When you have a concrete idea first, you may never reach it, or find the mate you dream of, yet your journey will be just as satisfying as reaching it.

(01 Nov '13, 08:23) CalonLan

@CalonLan many times you can't really tell why you feel sooo attracted to that special someone, atleast I can't... and I think you complicate too much, I am talking about attracting girls in general..finding a suitable mate, a soul mate, is another story...

(01 Nov '13, 08:51) Marin


Anything in life is like a puzzle. You have all the pieces available.You need logic to guide you through to put them together.

Just because you can't really tell why something happens, does not mean the reason is not there.Quite the opposite, it is always there,for cause and consequence is the algorithm on which the whole universe operates.It is probably just emotions that stand in the way of seeing it clearly.

But that is up to every individual to expand their skill of observation.

(01 Nov '13, 09:46) CalonLan

@CalonLan - Sure, I do agree, but I still stand by my point that confidence (humour as well, but confidence is no. 1) is an aphrodisiac for us girls. Confidence allows you to take pride in your good personality traits and display them to others without shame. Confidence is the reason why many women (especially younger) are drawn to "bad boys" - it isn't their badness, it's the fact that they don't seek approval from anyone else.

(01 Nov '13, 10:42) cassiopeia

Of course to be successful you need to know what you are looking for, but if you are confident, you will have a wider choice of suitable partners, meaning you are more likely to find what you are looking for. And on the LOA side of the argument, do you think a person is going to be able to find a mate if they have low self-esteem, and they constantly seek approval from women? I advocate confidence because when I see men complaining that women aren't attracted to them...

(01 Nov '13, 10:45) cassiopeia

... in 90% of cases, all they really need (and lack) is confidence in themselves.

I also mentioned humour because of the friend I mention in my answer - butt-ugly but has a great sense of humour. It really is a panty-dropper :P

(01 Nov '13, 10:48) cassiopeia

I think we are disagreeing with this because I am responding to @Nikulas when he says men are asking for advice on "what girls really want and what guys need to do". What you are talking about is finding a good relationship, not attraction. And yes, you def need more than those 2 traits for a relationship.

But to have a relationship, you need potential partners. I feel that confidence is the no. 1 trait that most women find sexually attractive, and it will make us want to get to know you more.

(01 Nov '13, 10:51) cassiopeia

@cassiopeia, we are not in disagreement about confidence being one of the first traits to be noticed by others and that it certainly opens possibility of getting to others more.

It is one of first visible traits in a person, confidence more so, as it is embodied in everything a person does. Thus it is logically acted upon first.

However, a confident person is less likely to react to other person's confidence. Just as a person who knows how to amuse himself would not hold your butt-ugly...

(01 Nov '13, 11:01) CalonLan

...friend's sense of humor in high regard.

It is quite remarkable to observe human nature. As I mentioned earlier, we are drawn towards that which we feel (for reason to this example irrelevant) we lack but should not. It is as if this condition would be prime directive of our instincts.

Insecure person will search security. People with low-self esteem will be drawn to those with high self-esteem. Someone perceiving themselves as poor, will undoubtedly attempt to enrich himself. Feeling of..

(01 Nov '13, 11:07) CalonLan

...being unloved will evoke desperate need to be loved and recognized. Some people will think they are strong and will move onto helping those they think of as week. Protect them. Confident try to help those without confidence.

But suppose, you are able to realize both your own confidence and lack of it. Now that is an interesting state. Balance so to speak. Out of the hold of the circle of nonsensical ups and downs, smiles and frowns.

But it is all the circumstance we are in...

(01 Nov '13, 11:13) CalonLan

...when I was a kid,going by a bus was an overwhelming experience. As I grew older,my observatory skill grew bigger and what used to be sharp and exciting turns out to be blunt and boring now.Even in its whole grandiosity this life is becoming blunt to me.Luckily for me,I have a lot to explore yet and when reality becomes boring there's always alcohol and drugs. Speaking of which, I talked a lot today and there's a just one pill of ecstasy waiting for me at home to be tried for the first time.:)

(01 Nov '13, 11:18) CalonLan

@cassiopeia Tell me about the other 10%. What do they really need (and lack)?

(01 Nov '13, 11:34) flowsurfer

@CalonLan - ok, yes, I see where you are coming from and it makes sense to me - I guess a lot of the time we like confident people when we are lacking that security within ourselves. When you have a deep sense of inner security you're not as quick to judge people as much for their insecurities.

However, in my experience, lacking this inner confidence often leads to a whole host of traits that wouldn't be labeled "attractive"

(01 Nov '13, 14:37) cassiopeia

Eg passive aggressiveness, arrogance, snobbery - people so often hide their insecurities with defense mechanisms like this. So I guess that often it isn't the confidence we are attracted to, but the lack of insecurity-related traits. So in a roundabout way I think we are both right, although we are talking about slightly different things.

(01 Nov '13, 14:41) cassiopeia

@flowsurfer - Well, some people just have personalities that are only compatible with a small amount of other personalities. Doesn't make them less worthy of love, just means it makes the pool a bit smaller (I dated a guy like this. He was cool, hot, a good person... just on a completely different wavelength that I couldn't relate to as much as I tried. Just. Out there).

(01 Nov '13, 14:45) cassiopeia

And then you have the things like chronic halitosis, extreme anger management problems, psychotic ex-girlfriends, people who don't believe in showers or cutting toenails, stuff like that. I don't know if it would be 10%, I'm not great at statistics and I probably should ave just stuck to saying "the majority" rather than 10% :D

(01 Nov '13, 14:48) cassiopeia

And just to clarify, when I say confidence, I am not talking about "swagger" or anything like that - arrogance is often a mask for insecurity - I mean true self-acceptance, which is sometimes (but not always) accompanied by true self-awareness.

(01 Nov '13, 14:52) cassiopeia
showing 2 of 29 show 27 more comments

I've read the book and I enjoyed it. I've also read a lot about the PUA movement. While a lot of it is despicable - advising men to do things like "negging" i.e. criticising women so that their self-esteem is lowered and they will try to then seek approval from you - I also think that the whole "inner game" thing is brilliant, and it ties in perfectly with the Law of Attraction.

I see the Nice Guys as men who desperately seek approval from women, yet at the same time resent these women - simply because these Nice Guys have given the women way too much power over the way they feel about themselves. Of course they are going to manifest more disapproval and miserable experiences when they are vibrating at such a low place! Inner Game focuses on developing confidence and on independence from seeking approval from women, and I think that is crucially important when it comes to attracting relationships (whether you are male or female).

So yes, I think The Game is a good read for men that are struggling, but you could really achieve the same effects by working on confidence, self-love and self-approval. A man who is truly confident in himself is very attractive to women. I have a friend who is obese and has a face that only a mother would think was beautiful, yet he is dating a model (who also has a great personality), and there are always women flocking to him. Thing is, he is super-confident and one of the most hilarious people I have met.

So Nikulas, I do agree with a lot of what you are saying, but I disagree that LOA techniques aren't helpful. You just have to use them the right way. Use them not to manifest women, but to improve your self-confidence, decrease your need for external approval and improve your beliefs about relationships. EFT is quite often talked about in the PUA community - take this mega-thread on a PUA forum for example, many guys reported a lot of success in attracting women just by changing their beliefs about themselves and women: I Used EFT to change my Beliefs and it works like a Charm :)

From a woman's point of view: I have done a lot of inner work on increasing my self-esteem this past year. The difference between the guys I date now and the guys I used to date is like night and day. I still haven't found the one yet, but the men in my life now are a much better match for me, and I don't have to deal with being treated badly any more.


I just re-read your answer and mine and I feel a bit silly about my lack of reading skills. I have no idea why, but I thought the book you were referencing was "The Game". DUH... Sometimes things are right in front of my nose and I don't see them.

I've now had a quick look at the book you linked to, and I think it's great! I wish I had known about this before, there are many boyfriends I've had who could have benefited from this. As a girl who is into good guys, but also very attracted to masculinity, it can be a little frustrating. This was one of the reasons my last relationship ended, he would do anything for me but rarely took care of himself or put himself first, and he made it clear to me that I was the main source of his happiness. This ended up making me feel smothered and led to a massive loss of attraction to him, while simultaneously making me feel guilty, because he did so much for me, and I just couldn't be grateful about it. (In the spirit of taking responsibility for my reality, I might need to ask myself why I seem to attract these types of guys though...)

This really resonated with me, with regard to my last relationship:

The Nice Guy's pursuing and enmeshing behavior is an attempt to hook up an emotional hose to his partner. This hose is used to suck the life out of her and fill an empty place inside of him. The Nice Guy's partner unconsciously picks up on this agenda and works like hell to make sure the Nice Guy can't get close enough to hook up the hose. Consequently, the Nice Guy's partner is often seen as the one preventing the closeness the Nice Guy desires.

So thank you for posting that link, and I apologise for my poor reading skills :) More guys need to read that book because there are few things sexier to a woman than a man who is a genuinely good guy but is also confident and takes responsibility for his own happiness. I don't think that "be yourself" contradicts the advice of the book though, I'd say it complements it perfectly. A lot of Nice Guys put on a façade and pretend to be someone they're not because they are approval-seeking. To have the confidence to be like "this is who I am, and if people don't like it then too bad for them" is very sexy.

And come to think of it, as a girl who has been too needy in the past, this book would benefit women too, guys aren't the only ones to suffer from Nice Syndrome!


answered 30 Oct '13, 09:42

cassiopeia's gravatar image


edited 12 Oct '14, 20:09

Oops, haha, just saw your disclaimer "for men only". Well, I think my viewpoint is still valid :)

(30 Oct '13, 09:48) cassiopeia

And also, from my experience, when women give advice to men about attracting women, they are more likely to say "be confident" than "be yourself". Perhaps I manifest that answer more because I have gotten frustrated with the lack of confident men, and perhaps you've manifested different answers for some other reason :)

(30 Oct '13, 09:56) cassiopeia

I have a friend who is also "butt ugly". But he leads a happy life and has a fun life. I asked him his "secret" of meeting any kind of person and enjoying them. He said that before he went out, he looked in the mirror and said, "Someone is going to have a great time with me tonight!"

(30 Oct '13, 19:22) Dollar Bill

There are women PUA also. When I was single, I used to go to singles dances. Sometimes they have "mixers". This is where everyone gets up on the floor and finds a partner.

About every 15 seconds they call to change partners. You don't have much time to talk. A woman in a long black dress told me, "I'm only wearing three things and two of them are shoes." But I was too surprised to respond quickly enough.....

(30 Oct '13, 19:28) Dollar Bill

@cassopeia- I think 'The Game' is good read but should not, nor never be, used as a guideline for attracting women or anything like that. Personally, the book is out-dated by far and though I am part of the PUA community in my city, I am only a part of it to get all the 'woman' shaken out of me and improve my self esteem. It's a life long journey but with determination and action come results.

(30 Oct '13, 19:38) Nikulas

I think your right about " confidence" , it seems to work an almost magic spell on women. Works well at job interviews too!

(31 Oct '13, 15:18) Monty Riviera

@cassiopeia- I believe an important aspect of anybodys journey is cultivating a strong balance of the masculine and feminine forces. This book affirms that many Western men, due to historic social movements, have lost the ability to generate authentic self esteem and thus go down unvaluable avenues to fill their empty cups; example- pleasing other people and existing off of the opinions of others.

I am glad you found the gold inside of this. Everything has value- if one looks for it :)

(12 Oct '14, 22:33) Nikulas
showing 2 of 7 show 5 more comments

Cursory look at this book it seems the author is cashing in (pun intended) on a male and female phenomena that "Nice Guys" make a one way bargain with the Universe saying, "If I am nice -- at the expense of my own feelings -- I will attract nice people.

I am nice, therefore you MUST be nice to me.

One of the boggles here is the definition of "nice". So the "Nice Guy" is trying to figure out what is 'nice' to their intended partner and constantly trying to fulfill that role.

This suppression of emotions leads to resentment when the Universe fails to respond with "nice people" quickly enough and reinforces co-dependent behavior leading to overt or covert negative responses.

This would likely cause mixed feelings and responses from others in that the "Nice Guy" is saying one thing, (I am a nice guy) but feeling strongly, (this isn't going to work, because down deep.....)

This would likely put off the real "nice people" and attract predators who would reinforce deep-seated feelings of insecurity.

Perhaps an alternate title, "Can Wimps be Happy Being Wimps?"

The book delves into a lot of interesting questions, lack of male role models for one. However it does seem to offer some good, though controversial, answers.

I'd recommend it.

The book is directed at an audience who responds to peer pressure and there is a huge variety of constantly shifting role models and paradigms. This makes "being yourself" difficult when you buy into these paradigms.

Personally I find that one of the advantages of age is that I don't give a rat's ### much anymore about what people think of me and say what I think. The people that like this become friends and the people who don't vanish from my universe.

Abraham Hicks has an, as usual, insightful quote for today.

The most magnificent Creators don't want to get together with people who think just like they do. They're looking for people who have other thoughts, because out of the contradiction, comes ideas that could not be born out of sameness. Your relationships will be ultimately more if you're not identical twins just "yessing, yessing, yessing" to everything that the other one is about.


answered 30 Oct '13, 07:28

Dollar%20Bill's gravatar image

Dollar Bill


"I am nice, therefore, you must be nice to me." That sums up the book very much. Good understanding

(31 Oct '13, 20:27) Nikulas

"Profanity is the result of a limited vocabulary" ~ Dollar Bill 6/13

I would have voted up your answer Bill; but you intentionally thumbed your nose at IQ's rules. You're supposed to be one of the elite members of IQ according to your karma & I thought the leaders were supposed to represent the best of IQ. I don't see Stingray, Eddie, Jai, Wade, Michaela, etc etc using curse words. Because members could not respect Simon's simple request, he was forced to implement profanity (Part A)

(03 Nov '13, 06:05) ele

(Part B) software that not only hashes out curse words but any word which could be considered offensive according to urban dictionary no matter the context. I personally don't view the word you used as profanity; but I don't make the rules. After what happened last time I answered a question here, I have no desire to participate other than to vote. That's a big part of what's wrong with the world today - NO RESPECT & it gives Americans a bad name. Just because it's perfectly legal to

(03 Nov '13, 06:10) ele

(Part C) to cuss out a police officer in the US because we are protected by our 1st Amendment rights doesn't mean you have the right to say whatever you wish on a private internet site regardless of the size of your wallet. Your karma votes will protect you here. I also am well aware that you don't give a horse's pa toot what anyone thinks of you - you've said it often enough. You could have easily edited your answer when you saw the hashed out word but once again you chose to thumb your

(03 Nov '13, 06:17) ele

(Part D) nose at Simon's request. I may not be as old as you Bill but I agree with you in regards to age & being able to speak your mind more easily the older you get..

(03 Nov '13, 06:33) ele

@ele To be fair to Dollar Bill, he might not have come back to the question and not have noticed that his word had been hashed out or maybe he typed the hashes himself before he posted?

(03 Nov '13, 06:38) Catherine

@Catherine -- it's shows it immediately; but you're right - I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I guess its possible he doesn't recognize a curse word when he uses one or has NEVER noticed all the hashed out words on nearly every thread I've viewed.

(03 Nov '13, 06:42) ele

Without wishing to be pedantic or confrontational...the word DB wanted to type isn't to many people a swear word. Its not suggestive or profane, its rather mild. I suppose it depends where you live and what circles you move in. In my works canteen Bill would be considered a very polite and well spoken individual. If the word was used " against" someone I would agree it was out of order. But hes not using it in that context.

(03 Nov '13, 09:29) Monty Riviera

But I not saying that to have a go at ele, she does seem a little touchy and over sensitive today...but we all have our off days don't we. And generally shes pretty cool most days.

(03 Nov '13, 09:30) Monty Riviera

@Monty I knew I should have taken time to edit my last comment. I see how it could be viewed in a manner not intended. I agree, the word Bill used in not normally considered a swear word especially in the context he used it & I believe I said just that in my 2nd comment. I'm sure Bill was aware I was hashed for using the word ' rap ' with the letter ' c ' in front of it. I did not use the word in an offensive manner & I had no reason to believe the word was offensive in the least. (I)

(03 Nov '13, 21:20) ele

(II) I should have said Bill should have recognized it as a word which would be considered offensive by the profanity scanner. Bill has a large vocabulary as well as a phd & I've never seen him use any type of swear word. It's nice both you & Catherine rushed to his defense. It's my open invite to stop in for visit any time I'm in Atlanta which is in jeopardy if Bill was offended by my posts. I did NOT mean to imply & I want to make this point perfectly clear - Bill was NOT in any way

(03 Nov '13, 21:34) ele

(III) shape or form responsible for Simon having to resort to extreme measures to get our attention. I've never read one word which could be considered profane in any of Bill's numerous posts. Had members simply used a bit of common sense & common courtesy & simply stopped using the ' f ' word I doubt if Simon would have gone to the trouble of procuring profanity software which hashes out words which are viewed as dirty words due to a possible profane or sexual connotation.

(03 Nov '13, 21:38) ele

(IV) Personally all the hash marks on nearly every page I view on IQ cheapens the site in my eyes. IQ will continue to use this software until members stop using the words that are commonly considered profane. I'm not innocent. I'm guilty of using 'creative word play' which is grounds for immediate suspension. I didn't think anything of it when I posted it because I don't view sexual parts of anatomy, sex or sexual tech items as obscene. When I posted the info, I viewed it as self

(03 Nov '13, 21:41) ele

(V) help info as well as humorous. I doubt if any one made the connection because I mentioned it to a few male members off line & they didn't have a clue. I'm sure you would have laughed tho @Monty . You're right again - very perceptive on your part. I lost my sense of humor & at the same time misplaced my rose colored glasses & you weren't the first person to note my change in mood & sensitivity level as well as rising hostility level & unfortunately it has not changed yet. My apologies.

(03 Nov '13, 21:46) ele

(03 Nov '13, 22:49) ele

@ele, ah so there's a censoring software installed...and I was wondering why I can't no longer write in Chinese. When I found that out, it took the soul out of my heart. T_T

(04 Nov '13, 03:50) CalonLan

And let me just break some things down here...

1st..everyone gives a hashtag what others think, especially the others that one can benefit from.

2nd..only humans are capable of creating something then imposing a ban on it. By rejecting cuss words we're rejecting part of who we are. Talk about desperate attempts to create positivity instead of being in peace with our own negativity.

3rd..there is an apparent failure to see benefit of finding a mate who's like you, not unlike you....

(04 Nov '13, 04:18) CalonLan

...if you need to keep yourself entertained or need your life to have a continuous twist, having someone you can argue with forever is a poor way of doing so.

I don't even have to imagine it, I see it wanna go out, she doesn't, she wanna be with you, you feel like being alone. So much for opposites being together...that hashtag gets tiring.

4th..@ele just needs a hug and icecream. =D I find it cute to see @ele enraged honestly. Like, when you like someone who is being angry...

(04 Nov '13, 04:30) CalonLan

...over the things you find superficial yourself, you can't help but have that little smile on your face. =)

(04 Nov '13, 04:42) CalonLan

No more 'fairy tales'. Thanks for the hug and the laughs & making it all better @Cal in a way only you can do. I'm laughing through my tears tho cause I just read what I wrote 22 hrs ago & that was harsh - really harsh. Sorry Bill - I can't even begin to explain it or why I didn't realize it at the time.

(04 Nov '13, 05:28) ele

No probs ele, I hope your back to your usual self. I have days like that too. To be fair thou its best to get it out of your system, I do use IQ to vent a little ive got to be honest. Beats annoying her indoors....although I do that frequently too!! :)

(04 Nov '13, 10:49) Monty Riviera

@ele, I don't see anything harsh about it...merely another point of view. What now, you apologize in hopes you trick your mind to reject that that post 22 hours ago is not part of you? You can fool others with your "sorry" I won't let you fool me. I enjoyed that side of you as much as I would enjoy your "everyday" one, and probably other sides you never showed off to us here. There's nothing to regret about telling things the way you feel they should be told. Enjoy your dark sides as you...

(04 Nov '13, 11:22) CalonLan

...would enjoy your bright ones. One goes hand in hand with the other side. Keeping the balance within us. The more I think of living the more I contemplate dying, and the more I wonder about death, the more alive I'm.

Did you ever walk up to the edge of a cliff? Stared into the abyss as your mind wonders if, you should take one more step further into that night?... Well, you mind says you won't, but your heart says you might! Would you fall through the dark, feel the wind in your hair...

(04 Nov '13, 11:27) CalonLan

...would you embrace the ground and end your life right there? Or would God reach his hand at that moment you fly, or if he chanced to blink and then... the moment you die. ;)

(04 Nov '13, 11:28) CalonLan

"I do use IQ to vent a little ive got to be honest." Giving me an out @Monty or astute? Venting online usually has more to do with what is going on in ones RL than anything else. I've disagreed with Bill before & it's up to him how he chooses to react or feel. It's out of my hands. Last time it took him many months before he spoke to me again & I wasn't nearly as vocal as I was this time. Thanks tho.

(04 Nov '13, 23:52) ele

@Cal I wasn't apologizing for what I said. I was apologizing for HOW I said it. I came very close to crossing a line & some ppl prob did view it as a personal attack or I went psycho. Thanks for trying to make it ALL good & suggesting icecream. The choice is up to me & you're pretty good at making me laugh. It's a great starting point & I really appreciate it. Funny you mention the abyss. I nearly made a comment last nite about feeling like IQ was the abyss & the abyss ALWAYS stares back.

(04 Nov '13, 23:53) ele

@Cal "Stare into the dark, as the abyss keeps calling. Try to take a step; but then the mind keeps stalling" A few months ago, a group of young teens went on a hike. When they got to the top, they sat down on the edge of the cliff, resting & enjoying the view. Without a word being said, the girl with the long flowing hair who quietly gazed down as she sat with her friends on that beautiful warm day, gently pushed herself off the edge of the cliff. She didn't scream; she silently ....

(04 Nov '13, 23:58) ele

.... fell to her death as her friends watched in shock. When I was a teen my cousin who was my age fell from a cliff. He took a chance, got way too close to the edge & the soft Spring ground gave way. A risk - a step too close to the edge.

"Does it have to be this way? Can't we have just one more chance? Must this be the final ... Dance in our lives?"

Listening to the song is eerie now ..

(05 Nov '13, 00:07) ele

@ele when I was typing it, I was wondering whether you would come up with some real life haunting story resembling the event the lyrics describes. =)

Sometimes it's unfavorable circumstances, sometimes it's a conscious choice. Either way, it should not evoke feelings eeriness.

(05 Nov '13, 03:47) CalonLan

@Cal .. and I also wondered if I should tell the stories ... then like you, I went ahead. As for eerie (uncanny). I wrote haunting 1st & then changed it because of all the coincidences which really have no meaning until you give them one.

I should have stuck with my 1st thought

haunting -adjective 1. poignant and evocative; difficult to ignore or forget. "the melodies were elaborate and of haunting beauty" synonyms: evocative, emotive, affecting, moving, touching, stirring, powerful;

(05 Nov '13, 04:34) ele

@Cal - and the song is about taking risks & letting go of fear. I forgot to mention this & took for granted you knew I understood w/o saying so. The point you were trying to make did not escape me. Great song btw... thanks.

"and if you let go of all the hashtags that are holding you down, you will fly."

"at that moment you fly" ~ you're right again Cal (imagine that)lol

ETA - she agrees

If you wanna fly, you got to give up the hashtags that weighs you down. ~ Maya Angelou

(05 Nov '13, 05:12) ele

@ele - If the hashtags are making you upset, then the hashtags are a trigger and simultaneously a huge growth potential :) What is it that ###### you off about this ####### sentence?

(05 Nov '13, 17:05) cassiopeia

nada thing @cass - guess why?

(05 Nov '13, 17:32) ele

@dollar bill who is the wimp? is it the one that is nice and perfect and accept other people even if they are not as perfect as him and try to help them? or is it the bad one that is not able to be nice to him self or other because he is to wimp to make the effort to get to know him self and correct is own lack? if one needs a model he should know the living one that he is made in the image of the one that sent him to this world. when one is born of water and the spirit he can enter the kingdom.

(05 Nov '13, 21:52) white tiger

as for bargain with the universe comment expense of own feeling, I do not agree with that. who is the losing person if someone is nice and the other is not? the nice person is still nice and the bad person is still lacking. the nice person did not loose anything. but the bad person missed opportunity to better them self. yet one must not go in extremes and see bad stuff where there is none to find fault on other. when people do that it just show that they do not understand what is being said.-

(05 Nov '13, 22:19) white tiger

and they are not able to properly split that pieces of wood. they look for saw dust in other people eye, but they do not see the beam in their own eye. along the way they get stuck, it is not what you put in your mouth that will defile you it is what comes out of it. think about this before you want to cast stone.

(05 Nov '13, 22:28) white tiger

@Cass you were absolutely right ~ I do have a thing about hash tags ~ I view the symbol as ugly, harsh, too large & attention getting. (hmm ... hash tag or pound sign?) Now that they substituted cute snow flake like, little star shaped asterisks for hash tags ~ I no longer have an issue. ** for effect only. Thanks Cass

(19 Dec '13, 17:55) ele
showing 2 of 37 show 35 more comments

it is strange that someone see nice guy as someone that is trying to please women to get women. here is what was said: Nice guys care what others think, try and please everyone, consider themselves victims (sounds similar to IQ posts?) and are trained at a young age that having masculine energy is a sin. is that your belief? first know your self and please your self. if you are not able to do that for your self do not expect someone from the outside to be able to do it for you. if you do not know the living one that you are how will you ever know the living one outside of you? and since most people are doing that do you think to please the many will help you out for what you seek? or are you just putting your self under new rule from the outside? should you not respect the first rule? and please your self and the one that sent you to this world, since you are made in is image. or are you still divided from your self and desperately seeking outside the answer that will make you whole again? you might have already hear it and you did not know it.


answered 05 Nov '13, 17:02

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

I won't have a chance t read the whole thing until later, but I believe a statement he makes on the first page applies to women as well, "The Nice Guy Syndrome represents abelief that if Nice Guys are "good," they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results -- as it often does -- Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same. Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment this pattern inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice." I'm a woman and was always promised things like this if I would just be "nice." I'll get back to you when I've read more .... and I think that I'll agree with you.


answered 30 Oct '13, 06:27

Beach%20Baby's gravatar image

Beach Baby

@Nikolas, I read the book and I TOTALLY agree! No more "NICE GUYS" for me! I want an integrated man next time.

(30 Oct '13, 18:46) Beach Baby

nice guy is NOT the problem in my view. The problem is are you living your life from your centeredness. are you the kind who is solid etc.. of course all these come when you truly follow your heart, be passionate about your life etc.. and you really moved into who you really are.... so working on those elements would serve greatly...

(31 Oct '13, 15:32) abrahamloa

but if you constantly strategizing and positioning yourself based on external result its going to be hard because you are many times compromising who you really are. And who you are really are is MAGNIFICENT and amazing person if you let that flower.

(31 Oct '13, 15:32) abrahamloa

tools to get there are things like meditation everyday .. spending some time in silence.. that will strengthen your inner core... usually people are impatient to work on this --- TRUST ME I HAVE DONE THAT LOT OF MY but eventually this is more important otherwise you will spin your wheels long time w/o finding who you are... and letting that flower and then you will be in amazing place.. and girls would see that in you

(31 Oct '13, 15:34) abrahamloa

also in my experience i learnt that ONLY when eventually i was hit much harder.. lol .. i would think mostly people learn from that pain when they hit that low then the transformation happens... but its better if you do that before that.. :-)

(31 Oct '13, 15:37) abrahamloa
showing 2 of 5 show 3 more comments

Sorry, @Nikulas- I DO NOT agree that women rule Inward Quest! The person with the Highest Scores is male (Stingray)....And he is like the King of Inward Quest! Stingray deserves this accolade for all his hard work on IQ. When he posts, people listen. Wade is another member who posts all the time...I can think of a lot of men who post, @ursixx, @Dollar Bill, and so on.

This book is a piece of chauvinistic hupe, and I think that you would be better off \reading books like "For Men Only". This is a great book, and doesn't demean women.

Nikki, I really do not think that the group is now better off because you posted your "question". It is NOT spiritual, is questionable as personal development, and has nothing to do with Manifesting or other more spiritual content for our site.

@Nikulas- I really think that your post does not serve our group very well.

I will say that you certainly helped start up conversations!

IQ- run by women??? What a joke.



answered 05 Nov '13, 07:09

Jaianniah's gravatar image


edited 05 Nov '13, 16:02

run by women? More like bunch of puss...little cats..implementing profanity filter, aight?. lol =D

(05 Nov '13, 08:04) CalonLan

I did not use profanity/ I made a reference to Mr. Crapper, who invented the toilet....LOL

(05 Nov '13, 10:55) Jaianniah

I must admit the "run by women" thing didn't sound quite right to me in this question - there are strong characters of both sexes here but I think his motives for manifesting a relationship are heartfelt. The site is about manifesting after all. @CalonLan Don't mistake power for strength!

(05 Nov '13, 11:31) Catherine

Reason for downvoting: This is my first downvote. If you read everything posted on IQ like you claim you do, you would know that word is off limits because I have mentioned it at least 3 times & once on this thread. You are the member with the 2nd highest karma total & female to boot. You always have the option to edit your answer & I have 24 hrs to change my vote (s). I know how important karma votes are to you Jai . Have a Great Day!

(05 Nov '13, 14:36) ele

@Jai How do you know Stingray isn't female & just trying to protect their RL identity? Also, just because SR has twice as many karma votes as you do, doesn't mean SR talks more than you do. You asked 531 questions to SR's measly 96. SR has answered more questions than you Jai -- better get hoppin' if you plan to catch up soon; being a competitive type of gal. Nothing wrong with that either. I don't agree with your view of Nik's question either. Look at all the personal ?'s you posted.

(05 Nov '13, 15:36) ele

@ele You are thinking of the wrong word. Hers started with a Cr not an Sh. It is a word that has been used unedited on network television and G rated movies for years. It is a word used when you don't want to swear. The software made it look much worse than the real word she used.

(05 Nov '13, 15:52) Wade Casaldi

@Wade No I'm NOT! I used it & talked about it at least 3 times including on this very thread & on Meta. Look at my comments under Abe's answer here

Then look at what I said in the comments under Bill's answer. I've mentioned it numerous times & the first to be hashed - I then edited my comment & changed the word to junk.

(05 Nov '13, 16:01) ele

@ele- Ele, I think that you really do not know me at all. I never, ever would bother with caring about competition with anyone on IQ (except for Wade, of course. I try harder if he threatens to pass me by LOL!)I think that to assume that Stingray is male is fair. It would be really, really duplicitous to all of us if he is really a little old lady from Pasadena....

(05 Nov '13, 16:10) Jaianniah

@ele (-cont.) I asked all those questions mainly because I want very much for IQ to be a good site, with a variety of topics, especially those not having to do with manifesting or Stingray's domain...He has that covered. I do not need to repeat or try to compete with him. Why would I want to? I joined IQ in 2009, and he has twice as many points as I. If it took me four years just to get where I am, then it probably would take me another four to catch up with him.

(05 Nov '13, 16:14) Jaianniah

@ele(-cont/) I refer you to my posting about writing questions.

I absolutely hate being defensive, and usually avoid these types of arguments with people. It is your prerogative to down vote. I honestly do not care about this. This site is NOT about racing for points. I have what I have only because I joined so early.

(05 Nov '13, 16:28) Jaianniah

@Jai "It would be really, really duplicitous to all of us if he is really a little old lady from Pasadena...." NO it would NOT be duplicitous & I highly doubt SR is a little old lady from P. Who ever SR is in RL is their business. I think SR is a somebody & has very valid reasons to remain anonymous & protect their identity. If SR chose a male persona to write under, it is NO ones' business other than SR's. Had I witnessed any ulterior motives on SR's part - I would change my mind..

(05 Nov '13, 16:32) ele

@Jai If you didn't care about votes you wouldn't be so defensive & you would be MORE generous in your votes. I've rarely seen you vote up another members answer on a question you've also answered - is that not the definition of competitive? You want/desire the most votes - competitive. You also can't be bothered to vote up someone who has taken the time to answer one of your nearly 600 questions - especially new members. I canceled my downvote - but - I'm sure you noticed.

(05 Nov '13, 16:37) ele

These profanity discussions are weird. Who gives a rat's ###########################? I sure as fornication don't.. We're all adults here (I hope..)

(05 Nov '13, 16:41) cassiopeia

Wow, this filter is good.... I didn't even write a swear word, just a body part that ends at the lower intestine and starts with r and ends with ectum...

(05 Nov '13, 16:43) cassiopeia

Anyway, voted you up because I don't believe that IQ is mostly women - and I sort of agree that the book is chauvinistic (although my full comment of that would warrant a whole new thread). However I do think his question served the group - look at how much discussion it got!! Anything that gets people talking and thinking and adding their opinions is prime IQ material.

(05 Nov '13, 16:51) cassiopeia

@Jai "IQ- run by women??? What a joke." This is one point I did agree with -- I actually wrote up a very long answer addressing this plus all the other errors in Niks question but decided NOT to post it. Last few days, I'm a bit defensive and sensitive also Jai -- I took your post as a personal slap in my face. On Meta you ask several ?'s regarding your wiki posts & points & downvotes & your points. Seems to me you care a lot & I wonder if you don't vote because you are afraid ...

(05 Nov '13, 17:04) ele

.... someone may catch up. You also ask more questions than answer. Thanks for setting me straight & letting me know the only person you are in competition with is Wade. Trying to explain my view is all.

(05 Nov '13, 17:38) ele

I find those ########## annoying don't you? even for expression that are common it place those############. example: siting on your ###. as for book that you want to read it is your choice but the first book that you should read is the little book of the living one that you are that book is not often read and it is the most important book that you will ever find to get to know your self and solve your division. pick up your cross.

(05 Nov '13, 22:04) white tiger

why is someone making a sex fight is there not enough division in this world, that you need to make more. the only person who rule me is me and if every one would start with that. their should be no problem. if I ask any of you would you cut your left hand or your right hand? you would say both are needed and they work best in harmony. then why are you trying to divide or cut one out? I am not one that is divided, I am who I am do I need to have any outside authority over me?

(05 Nov '13, 22:43) white tiger

@white tiger Blessed be the maker of peace.

Hopefully this helped cool things a bit. :-)

(05 Nov '13, 23:33) Wade Casaldi

I'll repeat my post,

"Discalimer- for men only!"

(08 Nov '13, 19:58) Nikulas

Sorry @Nikulas, you know us women, poking our noses where they don't belong :P Seriously though I think this is a valid discussion for women too - well for me at least, because I am sick of the Nice Guy syndrome and would like to see more men take pride in their masculinity in a way that makes us women go weak in the knees. Or makes my knees weak at least. But the discussion did get de-railed a bit.

(12 Nov '13, 15:00) cassiopeia

I didn't read the book in detail but I didn't see anything at all in it that was the slightest bit demeaning to women. The book, as far as I could tell, is about self-esteem.

(21 Nov '13, 19:42) flowsurfer

In fact, I find it deeply offensive that anyone would find this book offensive. I found it slightly shallow in the sense that it didn't go deep enough. Basically the only thing wrong with it is that it is way too soft.

(21 Nov '13, 19:47) flowsurfer

@flowsurfer- Well I'm sorry you didn't find it as useful as I did! I was absolutely compelled to read the book due to the title and the recommendations my friends give me at my weekly confidence course, so I absorbed what I needed to. I thought it was so cleverly structured and addressed many problems with self esteem and men embracing the fact they are men!

@cassiopeia- Chauvinisitc...Mmm, I wonder what is the absolute polar opposite of that? Oh yeah, a push over! Balance is the key of course.

(22 Nov '13, 03:25) Nikulas

@Nikulas Weekly confidence course? Confidence is not a skill, you can't learn it. Confidence (and the lack thereof) is a perception. That is, confidence and its lack are both discovered. The book talks about boys being traumatized into being nice guys. That is, they discover as kids that they are insecure and incompetent. They only discover this because it is true. Later they have to discover that the gap that separated them from their parents goes away. At this point, you have to deal with a...

(22 Nov '13, 04:24) flowsurfer

far more serious level of insecurity (see: The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker), which is why people cling to a childlike mentality (the "Nice Guy") and then flock to totalitarian movements and group identities. Look into the writings of Nathaniel Branden on self-esteem, I think you will find them helpful as well. Something else I found interesting is a book by Lee Harris (I think Civilization and Its Enemies); the reason is that it made it "click" in my mind that shame is a control mechanism.

(22 Nov '13, 04:29) flowsurfer

Something else that may, or may not make sense to you is Kierkegaard's "Sickness Unto Death".

(22 Nov '13, 04:37) flowsurfer

@flowsurfer- I certainly enjoy feeling confident and feeling empowered much more than being percieved as such. I would argue you can learn the skill of getting into a confident state, such as NLP.

(22 Nov '13, 04:38) Nikulas

"The root of humanly caused evil is not man's animal nature, not territorial aggression, or innate selfishness, but our need to gain self-esteem, deny our mortality, and achieve a heroic self-image. Our desire for the best is the cause of the worst." ― Sam Keen, The Denial of Death

(22 Nov '13, 04:41) flowsurfer

"The irony of man's condition is that the deepest need is to be free of the anxiety of death and annihilation; but it is life itself which awakens it, and so we must shrink from being fully alive." ― Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

(22 Nov '13, 04:42) flowsurfer

"If the aim is to prove that I am enough the project goes on to infinity because the battle was already lost on the day you conceded the issue was debatable." - Nathaniel Branden

(22 Nov '13, 04:56) flowsurfer

@Nikulas I'm not talking about the perception of others, I'm talking about YOUR perception, particularly the perception of the relationship between your self and the world. You cannot learn the skill of getting into a confident state. Confidence is a natural consequence of perceiving oneself as secure, even if that perception relies on non-identification (the denial of vulnerability through the denial of identity) or some other form of self-induced blindness.

(22 Nov '13, 05:08) flowsurfer

@Nikulas Confidence is very often simply lack of knowledge (experience) of vulnerability. This is why people suffer from PTSD, because they have their illusion of wordly security smashed to pieces. And this is why spirituality, sincere spirituality, is a very serious issue and all the materialistic approaches to confidence are futile. It is ONLY through spirituality that true confidence can be achieved, if it can be achieved at all.

(22 Nov '13, 05:24) flowsurfer

"What does it mean to be a self-conscious animal? The idea is ludicrous, if it is not monstrous. It means to know that one is food for worms." ― Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

(22 Nov '13, 05:25) flowsurfer

"When we are young we are often puzzled by the fact that each person we admire seems to have a different version of what life ought to be, what a good man is, how to live, and so on. If we are especially sensitive it seems more than puzzling, it is disheartening. What most people usually do is to follow one person's ideas and then another's depending on who looms largest on one's horizon at the time. The one with the deepest voice, the strongest appearance, the most authority and success, is...

(22 Nov '13, 05:41) flowsurfer

...usually the one who gets our momentary allegiance; and we try to pattern our ideals after him. But as life goes on we get a perspective on this and all these different versions of truth become a little pathetic. Each person thinks that he has the formula for triumphing over life's limitations and knows with authority what it means to be a man, and he usually tries to win a following for his particular patent. Today we know that people try so hard to win converts for their point of view...

(22 Nov '13, 05:42) flowsurfer

... because it is more than merely an outlook on life: it is an immortality formula." ― Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

(22 Nov '13, 05:42) flowsurfer

@Nikulas - Yes, balance is key. On second thought I am not sure if the book was chauvinistic, I read it 6-7 years ago and I have since read a lot about the PUA movement so I may be mixing things up.

I do find the roots of the PUA movement very interesting, and have spoken about this at great lengths with a friend of mine. When feminism came into play, men were no longer needed as providers and I think there has been a cultural shift and many men do not quite know how they fit in...

(22 Nov '13, 06:53) cassiopeia

I know that is why a lot of bitter MRA (Mens Rights Activists) groups and PUA movements have popped up. Men have been providers for women for centuries and now that we are equal, there is a sort of cultural confusion about what it means to be masculine, or to be a man.

Personally I just wish people would focus less on the differences between the sexes and more on authenticity, but I do understand, and hey, I do it myself! Although a lot less than I used to. LOA helps.

(22 Nov '13, 06:56) cassiopeia

@flowsurfer - Great comments. True confidence really is key, and that comes from spiritual work. I used to have the woman's version of the Nice Guy syndrome (I am talking about bitter Nice Guys who have an underlying disdain for women due to perceived rejection). I thought men were jerks. And it was mirrored back to me - they treated me badly. And I was bitter about it. It took me years to work on my beliefs, but now the guys I date are awesome! And hot, and kind, and intelligent...

(22 Nov '13, 07:03) cassiopeia

I improved my own self-esteem, and the men in my life mirrored this change back to me. I also had to let go of my bitterness towards guys, which took a while due to bad past experiences. The change is like night and day. It's a bit soon to say, but I am kind of dating my dream guy now, after years of lamenting my singlehood.

(22 Nov '13, 07:06) cassiopeia

@cassiopeia Now that we are equal? Women and men are not equal.

(22 Nov '13, 11:02) flowsurfer

@flowsurfer - Whatever, semantics. I meant equal rights and opportunities. I thought that was clear.

(22 Nov '13, 13:38) cassiopeia

@cassiopeia I know what you meant. Men and women do not have equal rights and opportunities. Neither in explicit legal terms, nor implicit social norms.

(22 Nov '13, 14:42) flowsurfer

@flowsurfer, I 100% agree with you, gender issues being one of my topics on interest, but I think you're being nitpicky about my comment. I'm only allowed a bit of space, so sure I could have said "now that the worst of gender inequality in the western world has been addressed and women are able to go out and make their own careers and support themselves without a man", which is what I meant (and I think you knew this). Or I can say what I said above. It's a comment, not an academic paper.

(26 Nov '13, 08:11) cassiopeia

It is wise to enter conversations with the mindset of what one can learn, rather than trying to win/dominate/be correct, as I have partially done through posting this question.

I have enjoyed reading these comments and respect peoples perceptions on this subject.

(06 Jan '15, 01:00) Nikulas
showing 2 of 47 show 45 more comments

It's weird how so many men search for the right "technique" or approach to get women. We're all human beings and should be treated as such. If you need to read books in order to approach other human beings, the first person you should get to know is yourself.

I've had luck with women by just being myself. I'm not a special person. I just treat them as I treat any other person. I don't feel inferior or superior. I'm my own person and I'm happy to be myself. I don't try to manipulate. If it's meant to happen, it will naturally. If the other person just makes you feel bad, why stick around?

If it's just sex you're after, be honest about it too. There's nothing wrong with that.

Just know who you are yourself, know you're a worthy and good person and you don't need to put on a mask so to speak.


answered 13 Oct '14, 05:22

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