I've lurked here about 4 years, finally asking.

I've been n an abusive relationship for over 5 years now. I believe in LOA and that this situation I have created myself. I have tried to think myself out of this, keep trying to raise my level. I am just so confused right now. How much of this is me and how much if any lies with the attacker?

I hear things he says and they ring very true, like things out of my unconsciousness being brought to light. But is there more to this, how do I end it? Am I needing to hear this, am I preparing myself for something I need strength for? I'm all traveled up and confused on what to believe and I really need some direct opinions

PLEASE no sugarcoating. I am an adult, I really just want some clarity, as I cannot think clearly in this. It's too intense. I cannot raise my emotional level from the bottom lately. I want to clear this up however it needs to be. I can face my deepest fear and leave ( I will be hunted down and hurt- there is a history of this with him) or I can sort it out, we go our separate ways somehow. It is getting really really intense and I am always in fear. I want to resolve it properly, so that this doesn't happen again down the road.

Thanks, sorry so long.

asked 08 May '20, 20:01

Brook's gravatar image



unfortunately it is both
unless you were chained

(21 May '20, 17:37) fred

You are never responsible for the actions of others ~ Abraham Hicks

(04 Jun '20, 00:06) ele

ele, agreed if did not agree to the setting

(09 Jun '20, 19:32) fred

I don't understand your comment @Fred. Could you clarify or expand on it please. Thanks!

(13 Jun '20, 00:43) ele

the context within lived, who
has responsibility for that

(13 Jun '20, 06:44) fred

@Fred I like that! I should have addressed my comment. It was to @Brook, not you. Had I addressed yours, which I did think of doing, that's not what I would have said. Thanks!

(13 Jun '20, 12:57) ele

If you feel like being communicative @Brook. Is this something you were aware of for 5 years or something you realized recently? Abraham talks about social distancing being a good thing. It applies to other areas besides Covid. My advice is to distance yourself till you raise your vibration & get clarity. All the confinement and togetherness also is increasing the domestic violence rate. Another reason I ask.

(11 Jul '20, 15:34) ele

@Brook this might not be something that can be solved only by changing your thoughts. You might need to take physical action first and for this you need help from people around you. Don't keep it a secret, talk about it with people around you that you can trust, get it out into the light. Ask for help and for advice, you need to first be and feel safe.

(12 Jul '20, 03:21) White Elf

Sometimes our way of thinking can no longer be trusted after a longer abusive relationship, we need other people perspective to see the truth, see for example: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome Ask people that you can trust about how to handle this. I also went to a psychologist and a couple of priests in my quest for clarity in similar situation. And meditate, you inner being will guide you to the right help

(12 Jul '20, 03:22) White Elf
showing 1 of 9 show 8 more comments

sorry you had to go through all this but on the right side this person is helping you to get closer to who you are.

" How much of this is me and how much if any lies with the attacker?"

It is both of you. a cocreation. you attractd him into your life and he attracted you to his. BUT you are creating your reality. he (or she..i'm gonna use a he) can be compeletly different with others because others create diffrently than you (not necessarily better). so if YOU FEEL attacked by him - that is your creation and you invited that behavior into your life.

"am i needing to hear this?" NO!but in a sense YES! you dont need to hear this or learn somthing new. obviously you know something is wrong. so...you know! but yes! abraham hicks sais "it will get bigger and bigger and bigger". meaning..even though you know you still doing the same thing so it keeps going on and keeps bugging you.

"PLEASE no sugarcoating" - OK!

you are the real attacker. you attack yourself. you attack yourself by knowing what you dont want in your life and still allowing it to be in it. even if you are not with him anymore - your thoughts are filled with blame and judgment toward yourself. you need to protect your energy. 5 years are a long time so you need to be practice be more firm with your desicion making. empower yourself and believe that so that when you confront this person you will NOT feel attacked at all, because actually there isn't any attack. he is just projecting or being who he is - dosen't matter. the important thing is that you be you! but as long as you feel the attack - you are not in your power, you are not loving yourself enough, you are putting too much focus in him than in yourself, you care too much about his opinion. try to get to a place when only your opinion matter. where you love your self the most.

you know... i try to explane this but really...i can't. when you'll get there AND YOU WILL! you will know. just love your self, be your number 1.


answered 16 May '20, 02:24

myself's gravatar image


Do you know why wedding cake was served to guests?

(13 Jun '20, 13:01) ele

mmmm....why? @ele

(21 Jun '20, 15:27) myself

@myself .... hmm .... answering a question w/a question.

(22 Jun '20, 16:39) ele

@myself ... I think I was feeling like Mary Poppins when I wrote that. Do you like singalongs?

(22 Jun '20, 17:10) ele

Wedding cake was served to sweeten the dispositions of the guests so the guests would be more generous when they passed the hat.

(22 Jun '20, 17:12) ele

@myself ... I've read your answer to this question a number of times. Are you giving an answer from a LOA perspective?

(23 Jun '20, 20:17) ele

I'm also not one of the members who voted your answer to this question up.

(23 Jun '20, 20:19) ele

@ele the votes don't really matter to me as much as if you'd be more clear in what your trying to say. i understand that you disagree with me, perhaps you say what exactly you didn't like about my answer, or what is your opinion about the subject. that way it will be more easy for me to respond.

(24 Jun '20, 06:16) myself

Yes I do disagree but it only means I disagree with your view or opinion. You are doing it again. Answering a question w/a question. Before I answer your question I would like to hear your answer to mine. It's a simple yes or no question. Thank you.

(24 Jun '20, 09:45) ele

My original comments only had to do with your style. You have a right to your own opinion. I just thought you could be softer - more generous. When I read your answer it's confusing and why I asked the question.

(24 Jun '20, 09:58) ele

@ele i answer with a question because i didnt understand the point of your questions. i really didnt understand. so i simply asked "why?" also i dont think i should be softer. you dont know if i hurt @brook or not. maybe i hurt you - in that case - im sorry. but really...if i was the one who asked the question and wanted a solution i would like a real answer about what staying in my way beside the obvious fact that im a wonderful person. but that is just me.

(24 Jun '20, 10:33) myself

instead of making me the "attacker" you can just set an example and write your own answer to Brook. i choose when to be soft, but she specifically asked not to be that.

(24 Jun '20, 10:36) myself

It's a yes or no question @myself.

(24 Jun '20, 23:24) ele

"the votes don't really matter to me as much" 3 members agreed with you.

(24 Jun '20, 23:38) ele

@ele ok......yes, i like singalongs, and yes its from the loa perspective. the other thing you wrote about the votes -i still dont undestand your point. 3 members agreed with me, yes, so how does that fact relate to what i wanted? isn't it about what they think and feel?! not something i can control...

(25 Jun '20, 03:36) myself

@"yes its from the loa perspective" ... that was my question. Thank you for answering.

Yes, I did copy your vote comment. Why? You seemed defensive.

(25 Jun '20, 10:06) ele

i cant and not going to argue with "how i seem to you..." this is just to much effort for me. much appreciation..

(25 Jun '20, 10:28) myself

Thank you very much.

(25 Jun '20, 13:14) ele
showing 2 of 19 show 17 more comments

Hello @Brook

You've been lurking around I.Q. for quite a while, I assume you already know a lot about the law of attraction so I'll just give guide lines on how to deal with the situation.

The key is in what Tony Robbins names The Triad :

Physiology, Focus, Language.

1° Physiology (what you do with your body)

Emotion is created by motion, whatever you're feeling right now is related to how you're using your body.

Stand up ... reach your arms up in a big swinging motion and breath in deeply - Smile - Walk on the spot.

After doing that you'll already by feeling a lot better. Energy in motion is e motion

2° Focus

Whatever you focus on you're going to believe...Focus equals reality to the you, even though it's not always reality to someone else. Change your focus this will prevent you thinking things like "I'm all traveled up and confused" Find reasons to be grateful "I'm healthy and attractive" Picture the life you wish as if it's happening now

3° Language

Thinking is nothing more than mentally asking and answering a series of questions... it forms a pattern, an automated mecanism of thinking, so eliminate any habitual questions that don't serve you like "am I needing to hear this" "how do I end it"

Words and phrases; To change your life, pay attention to the words you repeat to yourself "abusive" "attacker"... words are emotionally charged they change the way you feel "I cannot think clearly in this" "it's too intense"

Incantations; when you repeat a phrase with enough emotional intensity, you start to believe it. Choose phrases that empower you most "I can do it"

Make all this a daily habit, condition yourself to experience the emotions you want



answered 10 May '20, 03:49

jaz's gravatar image


edited 10 May '20, 03:58

I totally agree with @myself on this. I think you currently have a high level of tolerating bullshit. The jurney is towards knowing yourself. This means discovering the amazing being you are, understading that you are not here by mistake. If you think about it, you probably don't remember asking for this life. When you woke up you were already in the game, you received it.

Somebody wanted you to be here.

It is the same for all of us, we all received the life so it's imposible that somebody has power over your life that you are not giving it yourself by not knowing that it's yours. Other people can only have power over you when you are unconscious of the true you and your value and your purpose.


Now think about a tree, it grows and may become a beautifull tree and all the information it needs is in the seed: what type of tree to be, what leafs to have, etc

I think you also have to pay attention to the gifts that you have, they were all in your seed.

Think about your life:

Where you had amazing results? in what domains? When were you happy and why?
What people were supporting and loving during your life? Which are the people around you that are easy to love and appreciate? What makes you happy and free?

I think the people, the gifts... meant for you should have been consistently there but you didn't pay attention to them.

After you recognize your gifts and the people that are meant to be in your life, focus on them and remove your focus from the bad circumstances.

What you are is intended and perfect, you don't have to be something else. If you accept and love what you are (your kind), people can no longer manipulate you in feeling guilty and ashamed about what you are. It would be funny to see an oak tree that feels guilty or ashamed because it is an oak tree.

Discover your thougts that feel like freedom and clarity and call you to something that feels good. Those are from your inner being which calls you toward freedom, you may recognize them because you can say no, they are not imposing themselves.

This is a process, it will not happen over night.

After you know that you are amazing, valuable, loved and you have purpose, no one will be able to convince you that you are less than beautifull. They can only do it if you don't know your wordth. Meditation helps a lot to keep you on the right track during this process but you have to find the right meditation for you. I made it through this whole process, for me it was catholic prayer and meditation and I felt guided step by step.

Pay attention to the calling towards the unhealty bond you currently have, that's probably the most practiced now, so it's dominant. Don't accept that calling anymore. You want to make something better dominant for you.

Later edit: If this is intense it might be that you need help to sepparate physically first and then shift your life in a good direction. You also need to stay away from any psihological connection/or any request to fullfill his emotional needs (in case he is dependent on getting that from you)


answered 09 Jul '20, 06:40

White%20Elf's gravatar image

White Elf

edited 10 Jul '20, 09:05

"Later edit" Finally, she needs to get out and no one advised that. Abraham would say same thing and Abraham would NEVER blame her. She needs to distance herself and Abe would advise that also. She's not in a good place vibrationally.

@myself and you must not be listening to the same Abe videos I do or both of you interpret them very differently than I do. She came here for a LOA answer but she gave such limited info its really too hard to advise other than to say leave now.

(11 Jul '20, 15:18) ele

I would also advise you and @myself to educate yourself in regards to abuse.

@Simon has a rule about arguing. You are supposed to give a better answer if you strongly disagree. I do not agree with what @myself said other than the cocreation part. Its hard to do answer this question with such limited info. Granted @Brook doesn't sound like the typical abuse victim but every situation is unique. It does sound like she needs to work on self love.

(11 Jul '20, 15:44) ele

"I totally agree with @myself on this"

LOA is NOT the law of shame and blame.

(11 Jul '20, 15:58) ele

@ele I tried an answer and mentioned all that worked for me in a similar situation in case it can be of help. I don't claim it as the right answer, I think it is important for her to have many perspectives so she can see what works for her. According to "how to use IQ": "Inward Quest is a free-to-use website featuring a vast number of questions and answers on spiritual and metaphysical topics." LOA and spirituality are not synonyms https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_attraction_(New_Thought)

(12 Jul '20, 03:43) White Elf

@ele "LOA is NOT the law of shame and blame."

Actually, LOA provides the perfect platform for blame. Namely, self- blame.

An individual is responsible for everything that is happening in her/his life (I mean, that's what LOA is all about - what you send out is what you get back). That's why many of the people interested in LOA eventually give up on it. When knowing you are responsible for your life, it's hard not feeling negative about yourself when something bad happens.

(12 Jul '20, 05:03) Marin

It's a big burden to overcome overall

(12 Jul '20, 05:03) Marin

This actually makes sense to @Brook's problem too : Indeed LOA is all about - what you send out is what you get back. If you send out self blame, you get self blame back. Self blame could come also from the critical parent internalized, from childhood, according to pshychology

(12 Jul '20, 05:37) White Elf

"Actually, LOA provides the perfect platform for blame. Namely, self- blame."

Perhaps for some, but they got it wrong @Marin

Did anyone do a simple google search in regards to why ppl stay in abusive relationships? Lack of self esteem is NOT at the top of the list & in most cases its not even relevant. @Brook is taking responsibility but I don't see where she is blaming herself or lacks self esteem. Psychology today has some good info on the subject.

(12 Jul '20, 11:18) ele

"Inward Quest is a free-to-use website featuring a vast number of questions and answers on spiritual and metaphysical topics." LOA and spirituality are not synonyms"

No they are not synonyms. The forum has changed. It seems to be all about LOA now. LOA is also very spiritual as well as metaphysical.

This question is 2 months old.

(12 Jul '20, 11:26) ele

Read her question again. She calls the other person an attacker.

Where exactly did she say she was blaming herself ?

Taking responsibility or being accountable does not equal self blame. Both @myself and you, @White Elf blamed her and/or assumed she was blaming herself and 4 members agreed. No one advised her to leave or put her safety first. You finally did in the comments. It should have been at the beginning of your answer and yes, I could have said that also.

(12 Jul '20, 11:30) ele

"I will be hunted down and hurt- there is a history of this with him)" That's a legitimate concern. She is scared.

"It is getting really really intense and I am always in fear." she is very confused and she is vibrating in fear* mode and no one tells her to leave. Instead you blame her. Its her fault. Youu tell her she is totally responsible and she lacks self esteem.

(12 Jul '20, 12:03) ele

@ele I am not telling her (in my answer) that she is responsible for anything but having a high level of tolerating bullshit. Don't you think that might be part of the problem?

(13 Jul '20, 01:11) White Elf

My answer is also based on an amazing christian book that I have read, unfortunately it is not translated into english. The title would be something like "The art to rebegin", you always need that after a long abusive relationship, to rebegin in a healthy way.

Also according to LOA, when you get self abuse you probably send out self abuse, no? that's the equation - what you send out is what you get back. Is it possible to enter an abusive relationship if you know and love yourself?

(13 Jul '20, 01:24) White Elf

I don't think it's possible

(13 Jul '20, 01:34) White Elf

hi @ele, my answer (now) is based on LOA and also Erik from channeling Erik. "why ppl stay in abusive relationships? Lack of self esteem is NOT at the top....but I don't see where she is blaming herself" ... "Where exactly did she say she was blaming herself ?" ok so, @brook didn't need to say "i blame myself" in order for us to know that she does. i dont even know if she can tell that she does that to herself. people blame themselves unconsciously.

(13 Jul '20, 05:51) myself

this is how the cycle of abuse/karma is going: when someone feels like a victim he want to make you feel like one too and then he'll call you names like narcissist/mean, and try to overpower you and blame you and so the cycle goes..and get bigger. obviously it is all subconscious!!! people dont know why they are doing that!!

(13 Jul '20, 05:52) myself

actually we feel actual suffer. but when get conscious we understand that we dont have to be part of the game- of the cycle, and we can get ourselves out of the situation. dont blame, love ourselves etc. its just a matter of a shift. "Instead you blame her. Its her fault". but does he blame or does he observe? you see, you! choose how to observe this.

(13 Jul '20, 05:52) myself

if your in the cycle, you'll interpret this as blame. but outside of it you'll see the solution. be the observer. also, from Erik-dont give unconditional love to people who cant love you back cause then youll feel like a doormat. so, yes of course leave in that case - but only appreciating herself enough will lead her to this decision. i cant make this choice for her.

(13 Jul '20, 05:53) myself

@White Elf *"bullshit" ... not enough info to state an opinion. Why does that matter? The ONLY proper answer to this question in my opinion was to tell this woman to leave. To put her safety first. Is this physical abuse & if not, it can quickly escalate. My only objection to your answer & @myself answer is that both of you are blaming her and also blaming it on her lack of self esteem. Thats usually not the reason someone stays in an abusive relationship. In addition, I don't see that

(13 Jul '20, 11:14) ele

as her problem. The priority was her safety. She can't solve anything in that state of being. What the two of you did was to blame and shame Brook. Yes bad things happen when you are vibrating at a low frequency. It does not mean she is to blame or asked to be abused. If the 2 of you are correct & she believes you, you lowered hers even more.

For someone who claims they don't label ppl, you sure did a good job @myself. Your answer is based on karma or religion and not LOA.

(13 Jul '20, 11:20) ele

According to the teaching of Abraham, we are eternal beings. Your inner being is source energy or "God" if you prefer. A loving God who does not blame or judge or shame. Your inner being would never blame you or anyone else.

(13 Jul '20, 11:43) ele

I have a question to anyone who cares to answer. If someone gets raped be it a man or woman is it their fault or karma?

"The ONLY proper answer to this question in my opinion was to tell this woman to leave."

.. and as for my opinion - its an informed opinion as well as based on LOA.

(13 Jul '20, 11:45) ele

If anyone cares to answer my question and you're answer is yes, do you think it would be helpful to tell that person it's their fault .. while its happening like with Brook's situation .. soon after or at any time? Do any of you think that is what Abe teaches?

(13 Jul '20, 13:36) ele

@ele, i didn't blame her or her lack of self esteem, i dont know why you keep using the word BLAME. my intention was to show her her state of being. i'm very sorry that i dont have the language of ABE and the specific code words that will send her/you straight to her vortex but that is the best i can. but if @White Elf understood, i guess i was ok.

(13 Jul '20, 13:59) myself

but here again i explain - i did not blame her!!! but "you sure did a good job" - that is blaming - but i dont complain. you are right - god dont blame. god dont even care. why talk about god? i was talking about her 3d version. here on earth. nothing more.

(13 Jul '20, 14:00) myself

god loves the abuser too and dont judge him! god adores him!!! thought about that? GOD DONT GIVE A @&!! god is happy anyways!! as i was saying i was basing my thing on abraham and Erik too (not only the loa). its not her fault as much as it not any ones fault. thats a misunderstanding of the LOA to say that its someones fault.

(13 Jul '20, 14:00) myself

but when someone asks - an answer comes. and yes , you can read what i wrote as "blame" i can get that, but i didnt meant it that way. karma is a pattern of thought that if you choose it (and most people do), then you probably dont believe 100% in the LOA. that is why i explained it.

(13 Jul '20, 14:00) myself

and im not judging ..it is almost impossible to 100% believe in the LOA.

(13 Jul '20, 14:17) myself


"god loves the abuser too and dont judge him" and neither does your inner being. "abuser" ?? Do you mean Brook? Fact is your inner being sees both through the eyes of love and doesn't blame either.

"victim" ???

(13 Jul '20, 14:28) ele

1.god= inner being. 2.abuser - what??? didnt mean brook.
3. yes, when you (3d version)come to see yourself through the eyes of source then you give up blame, and let go of the struggle. but until you reach that point you'll keep the struggle no matter how loving the inner being is. this a type of self abuse once you get to know the law or - you can just call it "human natue". and that is just perfectly ok.

(13 Jul '20, 14:51) myself

I would never label @Brook as a victim. I can't think of a worse label. I stand by my comments. Her safety is the number one priority. All the rest is secondary. Abuse is almost always about control. I just don't think she is staying due to lack of self love.

She doesn't mention love and doesn't give love as a reason for staying either. I agree @myself - she needs to love her self first.

At a time like this, she needs some loving care & kind words. View her as her inner being does.

(13 Jul '20, 15:03) ele


"it is almost impossible to 100% believe in the LOA."

a bit confused - is that your answer to my question?

(13 Jul '20, 15:14) ele

@White Elf

"Is it possible to enter an abusive relationship if you know and love yourself?" How do you know it was always an abusive relationship?

(13 Jul '20, 15:41) ele

no one can love themselves totally 24/7, source wouldn't ask you to love your self complitly in order to achieve a goal or a relationship. you can achieve that by loving others or get love from others. but loving others who dont love you back will drop your energy down (unless you're an angel or dead) because of imbalance between giving and receiving and other staff.

(13 Jul '20, 16:46) myself

so yes, she needs to first of all defined to her self what does love even mean??? what is a relationship... and love her self ENOUGH to go with it.

yes, your quote was part of my answer to you. as human we tend to forget fast. then remember and forget again.

(13 Jul '20, 16:47) myself

I'm sorry @myself I'm having trouble following you & evidently I was not clear in regards to my question. I meant the one I addressed to everyone

"but loving others who dont love you back will drop your energy down" Source and/or your inner being loves everyone. It doesn't mean you have to have a relationship w/them. She is going to have to figure it out or the abuse cycle will continue. She knows that

IDK that this relationship can not be saved either. There isn't enough info

(13 Jul '20, 22:01) ele

@myself You don't have to bother explaining. When I read your answers and comments, I can feel your passion. I believe you when you say your intention was not to harm.

(14 Jul '20, 00:14) ele

@myself I wasn't following because you were jumping all over the place & suddenly you were talking about "narcissists". I linked your other answer because it was so non judgmental and because of what you said about 'labels'. I was not implying anything else.

(06 Aug '20, 16:17) ele
showing 2 of 38 show 36 more comments

You are never responsible for the actions of others" ~ Abraham Hicks

You are never responsible for the actions of others ~ don Miguel Ruiz

I was listening to a video tonight and it reminded me of this.

You said you had been lurking around here for over four years without posting. I also remember what I was thinking and never said.

WHERE OH WHERE OH WHERE did you get the idea that anyone here thought or advised anyone to stay in an abusive relationship or that you could change anyone other than yourself?

A H says "what matters most is how you feel !!!" ... and that my dear Brook is the answer...

"You teach people how to treat you" ~ Oprah, Dr. Phil and more.

"In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself ... and the limit of your self abuse is exactly the limit you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. " ~ don Miguel Ruiz

This answer is marked "community wiki".

answered 25 Jul '23, 13:25

ele's gravatar image


edited 28 Jul '23, 11:58

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