I realise that I keep attracting narcissists into my life. I believe I have a narcissistic mother and a father who has some narcissistic traits. As a result I would say I may be a co-dependant person who idealises others and wants to help them at my own expense and always a people pleaser with not much confidence, but I probably have some slight narcisstic traits too.

I have been dealing with a superior at work recently who has all the traits of a narcissist and has been severely bullying me. At the same time I have met a man I have been seeing who though outwardly very nice and caring, can sometimes momentarily be very condescending. Reading up about traits of covert narcisstic personality disorder, I feel he may have one - e.g. victim mentality, love-bombing, gaslighting - all the classics. Narcissists apparently can never be changed unless they voluntarily agree to undergo years of therapy.

Do people here on IQ believe that people can have a fixed personality issue that can't be changed? I have been working on myself for a while to heal any undesirable traits that may be attracting these kind of people to me, but they still seem to show up quite a bit of my reality - in fact having two suddenly show up is destabilising me as both situations are hard to deal will and I'm feeling a lot of hurt and anger and hopelessness. I previously asked a question about who we attract to our reality and got good answers from IQ, but I'm wondering particulary of attracting 'narcissistic', self-loving/self-hating people into my life - or can I or therapy change them. Thanks for any help.

asked 12 Jun '19, 13:10

Inner%20Beauty's gravatar image

Inner Beauty

Hey Inner Beauty,

I heard Abraham Hicks say this about the subject:

There is no aggressive bully that does not have a vibration of vulnerability at their base. It is their insecurity that makes them mean. When you feel insecure you are a match for a bully.

But the vibration of insecurity is probably due to a couple of wrong core beliefs from childhood (like "I am defective", "I am unworthy" etc... this usually are a result of being raised by a narcissist)

I've been through a similar process lately and this is what helped me a lot:

That It's all about bringing your power back to you. :)

I also think that the belief that I can change another person is a trap (usually part of an empath's toxicity according to psychology), I can only change myself so that I am no longer affected by the narcissist's behavior.

I hope this helps.


answered 13 Jun '19, 06:50

White%20Elf's gravatar image

White Elf

edited 13 Jun '19, 10:33

IQ%20Moderator's gravatar image

IQ Moderator ♦♦

I find that many ppl who claim to be empaths are anything but.

(17 Feb, 17:31) ele

When I read your last paragraph it reminded me of a quote from The Four Agreements.

Nothing to do with to toxicity or empaths tho.

(17 Feb, 18:33) ele

Still thinking about that book ~ wouldn't it be easier to find someone who you don't think needs changing?

(17 Feb, 18:44) ele
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments

as soon as you stop calling them "narcissists", and yourself a "co-dependant" and realize that you all just people on this planet with all sorts of fellings and behaviours then they will stop showing up in your life as narcissist, and you will not be co-dependant. but you have to :

*stop define them and you like you do

*act like you are NOT co -dependant

good luck


answered 14 Jun '19, 19:55

myself's gravatar image


edited 14 Jun '19, 19:57

Labeling someone is dehumanizing. Contrary to what most ppl think, not all are abusive.

(17 Feb, 16:48) ele

I have been working on myself for a while...but they still seem to show up quite a bit of my reality

If you’re noticing similar vibrational tendencies in your parents, it may be that some really bad-feeling interactions have become "normalized" through your lifelong relationship with them, allowing similar dynamics to keep playing out with others in your life. If that's the case, it can help to create space for yourself and find ways to reset your naturally good-feeling “normal-meter.”

Based upon the specific issues you’ve mentioned, I would recommend:

  • Calling in The One can help build a solid foundation of self-love and self-partnership. This book is creative, fun, and based in Law of Attraction. It can help you discover and pursue what truly brings you enjoyment in life, and start to uncover and dismantle sequential layers of beliefs, habit patterns, and existing life structures that aren’t supporting your natural good-feeling state. This goes along with Bashar’s idea that if you keep following your highest excitement, anything that needs to be cleared will present itself.

  • Resources to help make this specific journey from disempowerment to empowerment: Thriver TV is metaphysically-based and focuses heavily on self-partnering. Inner Integration has a wealth of educational videos and self-healing exercises, and Knowing the Narcissist comes at it from a slightly different but quite valuable perspective—the author is a narcissist who writes candidly about the vulnerabilities he targets. (As he describes it, if you keep getting robbed, you can go to the police or to a thief—both can offer you helpful suggestions, but the thief will be able to give you tips that the police cannot.)

  • If these patterns have been reinforced through the family structure since birth, it can also be really helpful to work on healing at a somatic/energetic level. Quanta Freedom Healing and TRE are two different approaches that can help with releasing and healing complex trauma from the body.

can I or therapy change them

Current methods suggest that they either can not, or simply will not change. It’s also been well-described that those who are forced into counseling through work, family, or even legal obligations can successfully manipulate counselors who aren’t intricately familiar with NPD. There might come a day when there are techniques, etc. that could help them resolve their trauma patterns and to which they might be open. But I think what White Elf and Stingray are bringing up in the noted posts is key—at the present moment in our spiritual evolution, they appear to have come specifically to not change, and their spiritual “gift” to us may be to force exactly this tight corner where we have no choice but to take them out of the picture to reclaim our true selves. The first half of this video addresses nearly all the questions you’ve brought up, especially wanting to help others change, and speaks eloquently to the spiritual dynamics of reclaiming your power.

This seems to be one pathway through which many individuals are awakening and re-empowering themselves right now, and your asking about it here on IQ is a sign of being willing to take hold of your life and your happiness. It’s a challenging path, but hold the faith that it can also be a gateway to very deep transformation and a more joyful life.


answered 17 Jun '19, 20:05

Amla's gravatar image


edited 18 Jun '19, 22:47

Narcissists want you to become like them so that you can be selfish and suffer with them. You can stay strong with Love and overcome their selfishness and cruelty.


answered 04 Aug '19, 11:31

arpgme's gravatar image


"Why do I keep attracting narcisists?"

It's been nearly five years. Have you found your answer?

I've always thought narcissism was a spectrum disorder like autism and it is.

You state you attract men with these traits and you ask "can they change?"

Speaking of change; did you ever think it might be you who needs to change?

I think anyone can change if they want to, and that includes you and I. You cannot change anyone other than yourself.

The latest research shows that narcissism decreases with age. They realize what is important in life.

Brene Brown, academic, author, speaker and professor is a renowned expert in the fields of vulnerability and shame research. She defines "narcissism as the shame based fear of being ordinary."

What is the remedy for shame? Like me, I'm sure you thought empathy. Brene's research concluded the same.

Unlike you and many other members of IQ, I've never claimed to be an empath. I don't believe the two words are synonymous.

This answer is marked "community wiki".

answered 17 Feb, 16:43

ele's gravatar image


edited 17 Feb, 18:27

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