Emotions are "supposed" to be something we can control. Often when people ask questions here regarding negative emotions the responses are very 'cold' and suggest things like: "Just stop feeling that way".
For me personally, emotions have never been something I've been able to "change". I can "control" them, and keep them from affecting my actions, mood, or decisions, but I would always be aware of them.
In my own situation, I've been in love with one person for over half a decade now- despite being separated for over a year. I don't want to care anymore, they aren't anything like the person I fell in love with, they've done things that I'm incapable of forgiving, and they wouldn't even want to be with me if I did want to be with them.
Logically I know that the person that I do love doesn't even "exist" anymore, and I'm in love with a memory of a person that wasn't even a real representation of who that person was, just who I thought they were.
Yet despite all of this, I still dream about her on a regular basis.
People have advised finding someone else as a crutch to help me move on. I've been with a few people since, in a few different 'varieties' of romantic relationships. They usually distracted me well as long as I was in the immediate company of the person, but after that I'd go back to normal.
This next bit is slightly 'personal', but I suppose it is worth mentioning. Any intimate encounters beyond the basics didn't particularly interest me, because the only person on my mind was my ex.
Any thoughts or opinions on the broad 'general' question would be greatly appreciated, with and/or without relevance to my personal story or the specific topic of 'love'.
asked 14 Jan '12, 22:30
showing 1 of 2 show 1 more comments
well snow to answer your question you have free will even for your though and emotion. if you have a bad emotion it is for you to take care of it no body else can do it for you.example: you see something that you like and you are happy you see something that you do not like and you are angry. does being angry help you? why are you angry? what makes you angry? is the cause of being angry in you or outside from you? if it is in you change it if it is outside of you it is not your problem and you do not have to suffer for it so change it or learn to live with it. you would be surprise how it can change your life. example: someone in power has fun making you suffer and making you be angry you change that for joy you just broke is game. he has no fun anny more. even in your question you say:Logically I know that the person that I do love doesn't even "exist" anymore, and I'm in love with a memory of a person that wasn't even a real representation of who that person was, just who I thought they were. so you see the problem was how you saw that person and you missed the real person. or that person has put a mask to hide her self and seduce you just like a vampire before they stick it in your neck. but you are the one that know how it is. and you have free will to solve that issue or not. so experience and enjoy.
answered 14 Jan '12, 23:20
Yes, I tried to make it clear that I realize how stupid I'm being, but no matter what approach I try my heart still drops when I see her, reminded of specific events, hear specific songs, etc.
If I could figure out HOW to make the emotions go away, do you not agree that I probably would have done it by now?
(15 Jan '12, 00:15) Snow
look you have love someone and will always love them. but they made their choice it is their problem not yours. why should you suffer for that? it was not the right person and you need to find the right one. but atleast you have some experience and will make a better choice next time. yes i know you are sad and nostalgic. if it happens only when you see her stop seing her. if you have some unsolve issue ask her the question and get it solve once and for all.
(15 Jan '12, 00:29) white tiger
there is many fish in the ocean try to find the right one.8. And he said, "The person is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of little fish. Among them the wise fisherman discovered a fine large fish. He threw all the little fish back into the sea, and easily chose the large fish. Anyone here with two good ears had better listen!"
(15 Jan '12, 00:35) white tiger
I am very aware of comments like "there are other fish in the sea". Yes, I know this, in the post I mentioned already catching a few. But even when I was with other people her presence would 'bother' me. Not because I want her back, not because she wants me back, just bothered me.
My issue isn't being able to "move on". I could, been in a couple relationships since, and it isn't hard to fake or just roll with it. But I can't control if I feel satisfaction out of being in a relationship with a person. I can care about them deeply, greatly enjoy their company, etc.. but can't control the feel.
(15 Jan '12, 01:49) Snow
well snow stop faking. you said:and it isn't hard to fake or just roll with it. i think the problem is that you see people that are fake or putting a mask. and now you do the same and you don't like it so you feel no satisfaction from it. and that is what is disturbing you. but that is what i see. go in your self and see what it is. meditate and you will find the answer.
(15 Jan '12, 01:57) white tiger
I am having difficulty expressing myself in a manner that allows you to understand what I am intending to explain.
You suggested "there are other fish in the sea" I responded "I'm aware, I've done it, I can still do it, but I don't because it isn't 'real'." I don't do this, because it isn't something that I think is fair to the other person nor something I particularly enjoy for myself. My point wasn't that I continue to fake it because I have no other options, my current course of action is to just stay away from romance. Which is fine, and I'm happy with it, but I'd like to get over her..
(15 Jan '12, 09:55) Snow
showing 2 of 6 show 4 more comments
In theory, it would be possible to remove negative emotions with the LOA. I have had some limited success with release techniques such as EFT, Sedona Method, etc. But although I have experimented with them a LOT over the years, there are still some things that don't budge. So I'm trying a slightly different approach now.
When I want to manifest something (and I'm not very skilled yet, but I get improvements all the time), I try to vividly imagine the feeling of having that thing. So, what I'm attempting to do now is to vividly imagine having this particular bunch of emotions (which are connected to some very deep-rooted beliefs) be gone, and the relief that I would feel, and how it would affect my life really positively.
I mean, I know for sure that releasing negative emotions can cause manifestations. So the question is, could the opposite be just as easy to do or even easier - using the LOA to release negative emotions? I haven't really come across much information about this, but I'm going to try it out for a while, and I'll report back to let you know what happens.
My thought is, that even if manifesting doesn't cause the emotions to release all by itself, it would make it much easier to use EFT or something if I already expected and imagine a positive outcome of releasing these emotions.
answered 16 Jan '12, 17:45
Oh, and I'd definitely recommend EFT or any other Release technique for you if you haven't already tried it. My success rate has been about 50% with these techniques, but most people do seem to have much more success, while others, eg. me, are more resistant, but it's still been worth the effort what with the 50%.
(16 Jan '12, 17:48) cassiopeia
Why would you want to rid yourself of positive emotions like love? Love is energy - the Energy of the Soul - the highest vibration we can attain. You don't want to stop feeling - seriously, our emotions are our greatest teachers.
"People have advised finding someone else as a crutch to help me move on." I disagree - until you forgive AND forget - you can't move on. You will continue to attract the same type of woman and the same negative experiences..
"This next bit is slightly 'personal', but I suppose it is worth mentioning. Any intimate encounters beyond the basics didn't particularly interest me, because the only person on my mind was my ex." -- this is a major sign of depression in a young man who is viral and as physically fit as you claim to be; especially if this is something you used to enjoyed doing.
Depression and not being able to forgive our both low energy vibrations. I know you don't want to feel this way any longer - so give yourself permission to forgive and Snow, it's even more important to forgive yourself.
Here's an idea; for what it's worth - if you are into alternative healing modalities - try finding a good shaman. A good shaman can release the negative energy and pull out the knife you got stuck in your back and help you release the hold your former lover may have on you and much much more.. Could be a very healing journey... it would be a start, anyway..
answered 18 Jan '12, 01:21
That was a little bit more forward than I intended it to be, but I suppose being blunt is the easiest way to explain how I feel.
(18 Jan '12, 01:58) Snow
Sweetie - I get that. There is nothing wrong with feeling love. In fact, in time - when you think of her; that will be ALL you feel. You'll just remember the good times. I'm NOT saying you should condone what she did to you - NOT at all and you do NOT and should NOT tolerate someone's wrongful behavior.. You have to let it go - you have to set yourself free. Forgiveness is about healing wounds and when you do; you will not be a VICTIM of those painful past experiences. Right now you are in a prison of your own making.
(18 Jan '12, 02:15) ele
Open your heart and try to feel compassion for her and yourself. Why did she do this to you? Is she an injured soul too? How did you attract this? Forgiveness means that you do not hold others responsible for your experiences. I promise you; someday you will think of her as one of your greatest teachers. Learn from this and listen to your intuition.
(18 Jan '12, 02:16) ele
@snow - it's very brave of you - BUT - if you want too; go ahead and delete your comment - it is very personal.
(18 Jan '12, 02:22) ele
The thing is this: -I'm not mad at her -I accept that she is welcome to live her life how she wishes -I have voiced my concerns about her lifestyle choices as a friend, she appeared to have taken them to heart but then the situation worsened -I accept that she isn't going to listen -I acknowledge that the person I fell in love with no longer exists, and perhaps never did -I even admit that I am being completely illogical for still caring about her like that -But even with all of that, being able to say "I'm stupid for feeling this way", not WANTING to care about her, I can't make it go away.
(18 Jan '12, 02:38) Snow
And I don't feel the need to edit that out, it is personal, but that doesn't mean I can't feel comfortable sharing it here. Others have shared much more personal information that I have learned from, maybe my story will help someone else. And at the very worst I don't believe anyone will be reading this who I need to be concerned about. It's relatively hidden, in an already relatively safe environment.
(18 Jan '12, 02:41) Snow
@Snow - Try this: It is very helpful and works for worry - at least for me
Repeat over and over like a mantra - NOT Helpful! Not Helpful! Not Helpful! whenever you start feeling those feelings.
I know you are NOT mad at her; you are mad at yourself. Forgive yourself and you will release the hurt...
(18 Jan '12, 02:45) ele
-_- What makes you think I'm mad at myself? ... I'm only annoyed by your assumption because it is correct. But I don't believe that all things should be forgiven so easily, especially as it pertains to myself. I hold myself to different standards, because why would I want to be like everyone else? I made mistakes, and they definitely aren't as big of a deal as I make them sound in this comment, but to they are mistakes I never want to make again.
I don't think that my issues with my own choices are what are preventing me from stopping my feelings towards her. I could be wrong, however
(18 Jan '12, 03:41) Snow
@Snow - I need to know you'll be ok. A year is a very long time to mourn. On other threads; you've mentioned being depressed and you've been on many of the suicide threads. Years ago, my cousin who just turned 18 was dumped by his girlfriend. When his mom came home from work; she found him laying on the couch - he had taken his life with a gun. Since it has been over a year - I think you would benefit from counseling - more than you can get here on IQ - no matter how well intentioned our advice it - we are not trained counselors.
(18 Jan '12, 03:48) ele
"I don't think that my issues with my own choices are what are preventing me from stopping my feelings towards her. I could be wrong, however"
ok - what is preventing you?
The reason I know you are mad at yourself is because I've held myself to those same high standards. I blamed myself because I thought I should have known - I'm the smart one. Take your power back and stop being the victim.
(18 Jan '12, 03:50) ele
I'm actually already OK. I went through my dark phase shortly after we split up. The reason I'm active on suicide threads is because it's something I have had issues with in the past, and I suppose I feel like that might give me a better vantage point than some.
I've absolutely and irrefutably grown out of that stage, and detest myself for ever reaching that point. However, it was a very good learning experience for me, and it's helped me help a few different friends in real life, and not just on that topic but also those who cut themselves and things like that.
(18 Jan '12, 05:02) Snow
My issues with depression aren't like "Oh my life is so dark woe is me etc etc." Consciously I'm fine, but I'll sometimes have issues with sleeping a lot and feeling drained, having issues with genuine happiness, etc.
I don't believe my depression is only emotional, because I've had some issues since I was very young. I believe it has a lot to do with severe carbon monoxide poisoning I had when I was a kid. Ever since I've slept a LOT, etc. When I was dealing with emotional issues as well I was sleeping 14-22 hours a day, not by choice.
This stuff is something I have dealt with my whole--
(18 Jan '12, 05:07) Snow
Life, and it isn't really an issue to me. It's an inconvenience at best that I'd prefer to deal with if I could, but it wont be the end of me if I cannot.
The only reason I even bother asking is because I've asked doctors and 'wise men' of all varieties to no avail, and I figured asking here couldn't hurt. [And shrinks, re: your comment of seeking help]
Your comment regarding being the victim really resonated in me. I really am doing myself no good by holding onto something that I know I wont allow myself to do again. Really I'm just making myself a martyr for no good reason.
(18 Jan '12, 05:10) Snow
And regarding the question 'what IS preventing me': I have absolutely no freaking idea, and that's the only thing that genuinely aggravates me out of all of this. Logically I know it's stupid for dozens of reasons, emotionally I don't even have interest in her anymore, nor even physically really [mostly because I think her activities are 'gross' to avoid using a more harsh word].
At this point my issues are simply I still dream about her [nightmares], and my heart still drops sometimes if I hear certain songs or are around her or friends, certain memory stimuli, etc.
(18 Jan '12, 05:13) Snow
I've pretty much concluded that time is all I can rely on at this point, and so that's what I'm doing until I find a better option. Sure, I ask people informally for suggestions or input, try to learn from what they have to say, see if applying it helps, and a lot of the time it does.
But I am fine, I'm a relatively well rounded person most of the time, not depressed in a manner that is gunna hurt anything beyond me having difficulty holding a 9-5 job cuz of sleep issues.
Like I said, generally speaking my disposition is always positive when I'm communicating with or around other people.
(18 Jan '12, 05:15) Snow
@Snow - You said you've had issues with depression since you were young. I still strongly suggest talk therapy. Since you gravitated to a spiritual site; I think you instinctively know this may be a spiritual crisis.
(19 Jan '12, 00:54) ele
@Snow A spiritual counselor may be advisable. What I know works for many is talk and walk therapy. Every morning, at the SAME time, rain or snow, you and a spiritual advisor or someone you trust, walk for an hour each and every day - NO matter what! If the other person cannot make it for whatever reason - YOU walk anyway. It will soon become a healing ritual. (OR, you can even do it alone) Get in touch with Nature and Mother Earth
(19 Jan '12, 00:55) ele
@Snow - I'll take you at your word - you're ok. Last night, I was imagining how alone you must feel - losing both the love of your life and your BEST friend. You have so many issues to resolve and trust must be huge one. I'm guessing you are about 20; therefore this has taken up a quarter of your life and sadly, it's become your identity. STOP being so hard on yourself!!
(19 Jan '12, 00:56) ele
@Snow The death of my friends son a week ago is still fresh in my mind. On Monday, I lost 2 friends; both in the prime of their lives, to cancer. They lived only minutes from one another and they died within minutes of one another. (It does make you wonder) Soooo, make the most of today, Snow - Don't worry about tomorrow and find a way to let go of your painful yesterdays and think about what I said; especially about identity.
(19 Jan '12, 00:58) ele
Well. To be completely honest, I refuse to [formally] see a therapist only because I'm one of those "If I can't do it myself then I need to try harder" kind of people, though I take it to extremes that I would never encourage anyone (even myself, if I could change myself) to follow.
It is a core part of my nature, something that I can't and wouldn't want to change even if I could.
Spiritual counselors I have many, some of whom aren't even aware I classify them as such. Where do you think[...
(19 Jan '12, 19:32) Snow
I get all of my stories from? ^_^
I love the 'walk and talk' idea, and I do actually do that whenever an opportunity arises, with anyone who is willing to participate. Not necessarily walking either, just spiritual talks, or even talks about anything else.
Yes, I did feel very alone, but I've always felt this way. That wasn't meant to sound melodramatic, just to imply that I feel that I am very 'different' from most people, especially those I am surrounded by regularly.
(19 Jan '12, 19:34) Snow
As for getting in touch with myself and nature and mother earth, absolutely. I regularly meditate, indoors and out. I even made myself a cool little grassy area next to a creek that is hidden away by a little path, a very personal place for me that I enjoy. Your suggestion is a very good one, and that's why I do things like that. And go walking, dancing, yoga, etc. Your estimate was close, I am 22. And yes, my ex was and still is the person who was the closest to me for the longest period.
(19 Jan '12, 19:36) Snow
As for my trust issues.. they started in my youth and have persisted ever since, and I really don't want to get into them here because I'm afraid the only response I will get is along the lines of: "Well, you've clearly been manifesting people to make you not trust them since you were born and need to stop it" and that kind of advice isn't particularly useful to me.
(19 Jan '12, 19:38) Snow
See, I really hate talking about my 'issues' because I feel like it comes off as something that I'm looking for attention about, and I'm really not. My demons are my own, and they are my issue to deal with. I gladly offer help to others with their problems, because I enjoy it, but it just is weird to me to even discuss stuff like my trust problems because then people try to 'help' and are upset when they aren't able to instantly find solutions to something that has troubled me for two decades.
(19 Jan '12, 19:40) Snow
Or they take offence when I point out I've tried their suggestions before and they didn't help me, or they already did help me but reached their limits of how much they could help.
I find it is more beneficial for me to just listen to what people have to say and learn from it what I can, and through that method I've learned a huge amount about myself from you personally, this website, and countless others who weren't even TRYING to help me.
(19 Jan '12, 19:41) Snow
I'm sorry about your losses, my wishes go out to your loved ones and hope the best for all of you.
I thank you again for everything you've said and shared, both in this conversation and more importantly for just being yourself. I spend some spare time reading answers and questions from different users here, some speak to me more than others. I find that people are often the most helpful to me when they are simply doing what comes naturally to them, not on my behalf. Thanks again. ^_^y
(19 Jan '12, 19:43) Snow
well snow meditate i tell you. i know that you do not believe or think that it can help you. but then use this to fuel your self to meditate until you reach it and it is solve. when your mind will see throught those veils you will see how this small problem was not a big problem after all.
(19 Jan '12, 22:09) white tiger
"well snow meditate i tell you. i know that you do not believe or think that it can help you."
You must not have read that conversation.. I do meditate, daily. I love to meditate. I spend my alone time in one of three ways: On the computer (video games, chatting, forums like this, etc), exercising in way way or another (often coupled with meditating), or meditating. Sometimes static meditation, other times coupled with yoga or body resistance isometric exercises in fluid motions similar...
(20 Jan '12, 01:53) Snow
... in appearance to doing a kata or tai chi. I love meditating.
I'm assuming the only reason you think that I don't meditate is because I asked a question about "What do I do when meditating doesn't help my anger", and that was an isolated incident that was very, very unusual for me. Normally meditating helps me work through all that ails me, and that question was meant to read "What do I do when meditating NORMALLY works great but CURRENTLY is actually exacerbating my problem."
(20 Jan '12, 01:55) Snow
I wish I was capable of allowing meditating to fix this problem for me. (For all I know meditating could work, I'm just not personally able) I would have been over my problems when I started meditating, around the age of 14. ^_^y
Thank you for the suggestion though. =)
(20 Jan '12, 02:09) Snow
yes you would have. experience and enjoy.
(20 Jan '12, 02:55) white tiger
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forgot to tell you you should not be not aware of your emotion but be more aware of them and understand them better to be in control. think about a bull you show him a red scarf and he go nuts. well if the bull could understand his emotion he could be in control and say ok why does that bother me? i do not like that so i will change it. and next time he see someone putting a red scarf in front of him is issue with the red are solve. and he will laugh and be happy and say ha ha ha that humen is trying to make me angry and it is not working.
he is the one getting angry right now. he should solve that issue. experience and enjoy