Hi everyone, I was referred to this site by a friend of mine as one of the most reliable source of wisdoms in life

And I decided to post this question to all of you so that I could get some wisdom on my new relationship life. I’m shannas. I have failed in an intimate relationships many times. I know the reasons why and I believe have also learnt the lessons.

Currently, I started having a communication with an old friend that I haven’t seen for the past 4 years and agreed to give “us” a chance and take our friendship into an intimate once. We both seem to know what we want in life.

We have been communicating almost every day past one month almost and now agreed to meet in person. We both live in a different town. In this case his coming to me to spend a week at my place and it’s just going to be me and him. We both talked about how much we want this to work and strange enough about long terms plans like kids…living together marriage and so forth and so on.

Now, what I need your wisdom and some guide line is….how would you advise us to spend the one week together?

What kind of activity will help us to know if we are making the right decision or not?

Please pour your heart

Many blessing!

asked 07 Aug '12, 09:47

shannas's gravatar image


edited 07 Aug '12, 10:03

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

It's hard to give advice on such a personal subject, because my reality is not yours. But what I personally find important in people is the ability grow. What I mean, majority people are stuck in their comfort zone and hold to it by their teeth and nails. The danger of someone in such zone is they will strangle your own evolution. And I find journey of my own growth too amazing to let it get strangled by anyone's stagnant way of living. That's why I'm single I guess, but I love it.

(08 Aug '12, 03:01) CalonLan

I see your point. Although I also think, a relatinship with other people can also offer the opportunity for "growth"

(08 Aug '12, 04:24) shannas

@Shannas, it is certainly an area (relationships) which offer such opportunity. The thing is, one must be first consciously aware of his own personal growth, before he can benefit (in a conscious, and thus more enriching and effective way) from an opportunity to grow from a relationship of any kind.

(08 Aug '12, 04:27) CalonLan

@Calonlan, I'm totaly with you and see your point of view, thank you very much for sharing...

(08 Aug '12, 06:24) shannas

This is just a follow up post on my question last time. First thank you for your support. it wasn't all that diffcult as I though it might be. Everything was so natrual and we were both ourself. We did normal things. Shopping togther, cooking, watching movie...since I still had business to take care of...everytime I had a meeting, we go togther and he would wait for me untill I'm done. Some he was part of it...

We didn't really keep the promise of not having sex at this stage....it just happend. I have connected with him in a deeper level that I normal would't. So it was all good. We are already talking about being togther. His looking for a job in a town where I live and as soon as he does his going to move in to me...

I'm not sure if there should be a time limit as to how long we should just date before we move in togther or even married. I would't mind to hear from married cuples about practical timing. Thank you all! Shannas

(19 Aug '12, 05:16) shannas

@Shannas, nice to see you're doing good. As for 'limits' there are no limits. They exist only within one's perspective. You don't need to hear from married people how long they dated before they got married or moved in together. Because that's what worked for them. And is not objective insurance of future working relationship for you. Heck,if I met THE right girl, I'd marry her on the spot, what should I be waiting for anyway. You can spend whole life getting to know someone, but where is the...

(19 Aug '12, 05:38) CalonLan

... limit you decide. Wherever and whenever it feels comfortable to you.

(19 Aug '12, 05:38) CalonLan

Thank CalonLan That sounds like reasonable view and its close to what I feel inside! I guess, I have done this in the past...and after a while I have found out that it wasn't working for me and had to move out and move on with mylife. I have a really desier to do everything right this time and the reasons why I was wondering in the question of..." how long is enough"...Blessings!

(19 Aug '12, 06:06) shannas
showing 0 of 8 show 8 more comments

Interesting question, Shannas. I will start with a little bit of background before I get to your question. The first thing that came to mind when I read your question is the fact that I know a handful of people who have at some point or another tried to turn friendship into an intimate relationship. I also have to admit that I myself have done so in the past.

I personally had little success but that is definitely not the guaranteed outcome of such an attempt. You have to bear in mind that we are all very different as individuals and as such our experiences, the related emotions and ultimately our preferences (which is a product of our experiences) varies from one person to another.

This is why ultimately, nobody else will know what is best for you but yourself. The Law of Attraction says "Like attracts Like". In other words, if you follow the path of 'What Feels Good' whenever you are at a decision point in your life, then this will have to lead to dominant happiness in your life.

So, if I had a decision to make in life, I would just ask myself the following question which goes along the lines of: "Do I feel like I want to go ahead with this action/decision"? If the answer is anything But 'Hell Yes', then this is not the right action/decision.

And now, let's attempt to answer your question:

What kind of activity will help us to know if we are making the right decision or not?

Just get involved in activities that you already usually enjoy doing and do whatever you feel like doing in the moment. I think there is little to gain from planning out every single day to the hour (which I am sure you were not planning to do!, but just for the sake of making my point) as you might feel like doing something different than what you have planned.

Let's say I was in your shoes. I would try and do things that would require active involvement from both people and then see how you both get on. I usually enjoy activities like playing badminton and pool. I love dining out but when I am not, I also enjoy having a nice cooked meal at home with some of my favourite drinks. I would not really go to the cinema or watch stuff on tv as there is no real interaction here.

At the end of the day though, if this is the right person for you to get involved in a serious relationship, get married and have kids with, I think in the week that you will be spending together, you will just KNOW IT.

From my personal experience, when I had the relationship with a close friend of mine, from the very start, I could feel that it was not working. I just felt really awkward when kissing him or when being intimate with him. It just did not feel right even though we were good friends.

On the other hand, when I first met my husband, right from the start, I could feel a strong attraction and a strong connection. I just knew that I wanted to get married to this guy and at some point have kids.

So, the way you feel with him and around him whatever activities you indulge in will be enough for you to make the right decision from my point of view.

Keep us all posted.


answered 08 Aug '12, 07:02

Pink%20Diamond's gravatar image

Pink Diamond

edited 08 Aug '12, 07:02

Pink, I really appricate your insite on this and also sharing your experiance.Just to add some more points, this is a guy that I have worked very closly in the past. He have so much respect for me and he never thought this could ever happen between me and him. He mentioned to me that he used to be intimidated by my physical beauty :-) I'm very certain about his character,values and pretty much sure that we will get along....his 34 and I'm 31. we both ready but we want to see and feel it...

(08 Aug '12, 15:49) shannas

Go to a sit down restaurant and observe how he treats the servers, and how he handles any situations that come up there.

Find out about his relationship with his mother.

Observe for things that are important to you. Like does he litter or recycle? How does he speak of others? What is the quality of his words? Does he talk in such a way that makes you uncomfortable or comfortable, is he possitive or negative?

Look for those things that are the real him, not the one who is doing and saying what he thinks you want so as to impress you. Notice how you behave around him. Does he bring out the best in you or the worst?

Do some of your regular activities to see how he handles it. Have him meet your friends and family and observe his interactions. If you go to church or some religious group, take him there.


answered 07 Aug '12, 09:55

Fairy%20Princess's gravatar image

Fairy Princess

edited 07 Aug '12, 10:07

Thank you Fairy Princess, appricate your advice. I have probably seen most of those things during the time we were friends and I'm pretty much comfertable with who he is and what he stand for in life....he has majority of the characters that I look from a mate and pherhaps the reason why i decided to give it a go....would you think experiancing "sex" is a wise thing at this stage?

(07 Aug '12, 17:02) shannas

Since you are asking me, my answer is no.

(07 Aug '12, 17:42) Fairy Princess

may i ask why you said 'no'? just courious....

(08 Aug '12, 03:57) shannas

I believe it is best to save sex for when you already know you have found the right person and are in a committed relationship. Once you give yourself to someone, you can't take it back. If he is not the right one, and you have given yourself to him then you would feel like you were missing part of yourself. Sex is not a solid foundation to build a relationship on, it is more like the icing on top.

(08 Aug '12, 07:56) Fairy Princess

I'm just here to support what @Fairy Princess said. You build a relationship on strong core values of each other characters. Not on fancy trinkets today's world seems to value more than those real solid core values. Just as with anything, you can eat junk food and get by through your day, or you can eat healthy and have a great one. Pick healthy, for everything in your life, not the junk.

(08 Aug '12, 08:02) CalonLan

@Fairy Princess, thank you so much and will follow your adivice since that feels like the right thing to do at the moment for me. I have mentioned to him saying how would he feel if we just spend time on things that will help us get closer but not " sex" and his respons was that..." I am fine! don't worry, we will have that when ever you are ready"....will keep u posted, his coming tom

(08 Aug '12, 15:11) shannas

@Calonlan, many thanks for your support and reminder!

(08 Aug '12, 15:13) shannas
showing 2 of 7 show 5 more comments

I would save intimacy and sex for when your absolutely positive it's the right time.

There's no need to rush in. If you are looking for a relationship with a person who you want to spend a long time with, then take your time and wait until you're sure this is the right person for you.

Do what you enjoy and see if you have fun together. Learn all you can of eachother. How does he behave and carry himself? How does he react to what you say? How do you feel around him? Do you like the way he treats others? What about your families? Is he someone you can work with, someone you are comfortable with?

That's what I would do. Like others have said, you want to make sure this is someone you want to give yourself to.

And of course... you have to ask yourself, "Am I ready? Is this what I want? Do I believe I am secure enough in myself to balance a relationship?"

Wishing you the best! &Welcome to IQ :)


answered 08 Aug '12, 09:01

LapisLazuli's gravatar image


Than you Lapis! I probably now most of the answers and now I want to feel it if its the same in his presence or stil the same. We worked togther closly in the past and have seen most of his characters and quite happy with it...we just need to see how it feels in each others presence now that things have changed...

(08 Aug '12, 15:53) shannas
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