I am in a relationship and it is going on a year and a half now. I care about him very much but at the same time i feel Im getting i'm not getting what I should get out of this relationship, and it is causing fights all the time for us. I feel that I am right but we have been arguing about the same things for along time.

I have tried to talk to him about these things that are bothering for awhile but he will not stop. He feels Im being mean to him and that I think I'm better than him, which is not the case at all, its getting to the point that I'm starting to doubt myself but I know deep down I'm unhappy cause he won't change, when he says he will.

I guess I'm gonna have to say what it is if I'm gonna get any help with it, so here goes, He seems to never want to have sex, and never makes any moves on me, also he is always borrowing money from me and yes he does pay me back but it is all the time, he wastes his money on weed, then seems like he depends on me to lend him money for that and cigarettes

I'm trying to save money so we can get a better place, he just doesn't care about trying to make things better for us, he will not get a job. And he tells me the reason why he doesn't feel that he has to have sex is because a relationship is not based on it, but I don't treat it like it is....

He treats me well and is respectful to me but those two area's are pushing me away. I need to know how do I know is Im in the right or in the wrong? How can I tell? I guess I want to see what others think, thanks

asked 16 Nov '12, 11:34

Crystal%20Lee%20Ouellette's gravatar image

Crystal Lee Ouellette

edited 16 Nov '12, 16:15

ursixx's gravatar image


How does he pay you back without a job?

(08 Feb '13, 08:30) flowsurfer
showing 0 of 1 show 1 more comments

A person can become addicted to many things and that addiction can replace or dull what we call a normal thought pattern. And it not only affects them it affects their loved ones.
If you step back and look at you current situation from an outsiders view ,like your watching a movie .
Would you like what you saw ? You cannot change him ,He has to make the decision to change himself . The only thing you can change is your role in the movie of your life.
Do some reading about addiction. The alcoholics anonymous book is free and on-line. Chapter 8 is titled "To wives" . This book has helped millions of people since it was published.
Your concern about sex is normal. I believe sex between two persons is one of the most "in the vortex" things we do. True love making contains the top of the part Emotional Guidance scale 1.Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation 2.Passion 3.Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness 4.Positive Expectation/Belief 5.Optimism 6.Hopefulness 7.Contentment .If he is not in the same vibration as you it is easy to see why he is in avoidance. .Dig deep Crystal and understand and accept what you want and don't settle for less!


answered 16 Nov '12, 18:54

ursixx's gravatar image



"If you step back and look at you current situation from an outsiders view, like your watching a movie. Would you like what you saw? You cannot change him, He has to make the decision to change himself. The only thing you can change is your role in the movie of your life"....Ursixx, I love this. I think it's a good thing to remember with nearly any situation. Very good advice!

(08 Feb '13, 12:52) LeeAnn 1

That is a difficult situation to feel, but in reality the solution is clear. I have first hand experience with this. Over the last couple years I felt the same as you did, what I found out is that the issue was me all along. I know that may seem far fetched, but you are trying to make him change and your guage of whether the relationship is good for you seems to be predominately on sex. Your mind,body and soul is missing something and it always is looking to fill those voids from the outside. Look from within, take sometime to understand your partner. Meditate and search for the answers inside you, I believe you will find them there. Seek and ye shall find.


answered 16 Nov '12, 12:03

student's gravatar image


Three things:

  1. You seem to be stuck on "who's right - who's wrong". Consider for yourself why that is so important to you. I'm not saying it's wrong - just"Why is this so important to me?"
  2. Does this guy care about you? You have given few details so it's not clear what your relationship consists of. From what you've said, it seems your partner is using you as a fulfilment option when he doesn't have the "where-with-all" to fulfil his needs / wants.
  3. Why do you think you need to change him? Is that your right? ("deep down I'm unhappy cause he won't change"). Maybe you need to consider whether you can accept & live with him "as he is".

Not being there' I can't see the whole situation, but from what you say here, it sounds like your partner is just using you to get what he can't or won't get for himself. I know you say he pays you back, but it seems he' got you "on the hook".

& you have him "on the hook" of your wanting / needing him to change & conform to your standards. What you need to consider is if he was to change & be what you want him to be - think he should be, will he resemble, even slightly, the person you were originally attracted to...

It's not that you are wrong. As I said earlier, "Why is right / wrong so important to you?". If you feel this person needs to be someone other than who they are in order for you to accept them, then maybe they are not what you want in a partner.


answered 18 Nov '12, 16:14

snaloching's gravatar image


Keep in mind that there is No Right and No wrong in any given situation. It is merely a difference in perspectives. I would calmly and openly ask the other person to explain in complete detail exactly why they think or feel the way they do about their position. Most of the time it is simply a matter of misunderstanding the other person's perspective. Invite the other person to speak freely & let them finish expressing without any interruption, criticism or negative expression from you. You can ask questions until you fully understand everything completely but you've got to stay neutral and express that you are listening and hearing them without judgement. Be careful you are not busy defending your own point internally or externally. You have to get out of the way so that it is about you genuinely trying to gain some internal knowledge from them. Remember they have a right to their opinion and their perspective is absolutely True to them and you have to respect that. Even if you still disagree, often just understanding the details of how the other came up with their conclusion or position can completely change your perspective or at least loosen the energetic tighthold you have around the whole issue. None of us like to hear this, butm of the time instead of truely trying to understand the other person's reasoning with openess & compassion, we are too busy justifying our own perspectives. Hope this helps.


answered 19 Nov '12, 10:55

Sherry's gravatar image



@Sherry:"I would calmly and openly ask the other person to explain in complete detail exactly why they think or feel the way they do about their position." But if that person is not really themselves because they are under the influence of a substance? If you are going to have such a conversation the person would have to be open to it . An addiction will will speak for itself and justify it's self.


(19 Nov '12, 23:28) ursixx

If that is the case then I would examine my part in the situation and try to change things from my end using this angle: Look at the Law of Attraction: The more you see this addiction as a negative or unwanted thing, and wish this person would stop or change, the more you are telling the universe you don't like this & want this person to change and it can only continue to make sure to perpetuate that you don't like it and want change. You have to find a way to ease your negativity of it, get your emotions into a neutral position & let go of the tightness around it to make changes. One way to help would be to say something like, okay, I accept that this person has chosen this for themself and they are free to do as they wish. I don't have to partiipate, it may mean them leaving my environment, and that's okay too. I accept that, it is not for me to live their life and it is not for me to change them because I can't anyway, all I can do is fix myself. Then think about what you want. NOT, I want them to change, but visualize yourself in a new life. If you want them in it, then a new life with you both happy and healthy and having a great life together. Just try NOT to look at what currently is and what you don't want because you are always steering the universe to create what you experience by your thoughts. So switch the thoughts to positive thoughts and you can start to get some positive universal creations. Visualize this person becomming happier and drug free each day. Just remember that you can only make positive changes by sending out positive thoughts, emotions and images or you can create negative ones in the same way. Since we can't change others, we can only try to make changes from ourselves. I wish you the best and you can do this!

(20 Nov '12, 11:00) Sherry

@Sherry "we can only try to make changes from ourselves"... take away the words "try to" and I agree with you thanks for a wonderful insight...

(20 Nov '12, 17:21) ursixx
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments

Is he addicted to weed? While I am very drug-liberal and quite fond of the occasional toke of the waccy baccy myself, I did have a relationship that was destroyed by his addiction to weed.

He was unemployed most of the time, and depressed, but dealt with it by smoking weed. He had no motivation to do anything. He did want sex, but I lost my attraction for him completely because of his lack of drive, so there was that too. I would lend him money so he could cover rent, because I was worried about him, but he would spend it on more weed, which frustrated me to no end. I was really trying to get the relationship to work, but he put in very little effort. In the end, we broke up.

As I said, I'm not against weed, but I find that when some*** people smoke it regularly, they become closed off to the world around them, and incapable of putting themselves in other's shoes. My relationship was pretty much as you described yours. He thought I was the one in the wrong, and I'd try to see his perspective, but he just wouldn't try to see mine, and I really think it was the weed that did it, because occasionally he would stop smoking for a bit and his whole aura changed, it's like he was all clogged up before and suddenly cleared up and was back to normal again. But while he was smoking, and a few days after he had smoked, it was impossible to try to get him to see my perspective. I tried and I tried, and ended up dumping him (of course that's when he shaped up and got all "How could I ever lose you, I'll do anything to get you back!". Too late.)

If you can, try to get him to stop smoking for a while, as this might help you be able to communicate more clearly with him. Although from my perspective, it seems it may be best to cut your losses... Like you I thought of many reasons to stay with him - he was kind, sweet, we had an intense emotional connection... But at the same time, if someone is not willing to make any effort to change, or to improve your relationship, there isn't much you can do. You're just going to end up more and more frustrated.

Oh, and.. don't let him tell you sex is not that important in a relationship. If it is important for you, then it is! God knows if I was in a relationship with someone I cared for a lot and they were feeling rejected because I was not feeling sexual with them, I would try everything I could to increase my libido. I actually did, in the relationship I described - read up on and tried all sorts of supplements and techniques, to little avail. I put all the blame on myself, when actually it was also his responsibility to find out why I was not feeling sexual and why I was not attracted to him - I did give him lots of hints on what he could do to make me feel more into it. If you have genuinely tried to figure out ways in which your sex life could be improved and he is not giving you any feedback or helping at all in the matter and instead just disrespecting your needs, that's a problem!!

Anyway, sex drives that aren't matched can lead to big problems. Don't let anyone tell you that you are making sex too big a part of your relationship. This is something that is important to you and he is not making any effort to solve this issue, and that's a problem, full stop.

Best of luck!!!

*The weird thing is I don't think all regular smokers become like this, but I have noticed it in a few people.


answered 08 Feb '13, 07:03

cassiopeia's gravatar image


edited 08 Feb '13, 07:12

"How can I know who's really right when you're in a relationship and the other person always thinks that I'm the one at fault?"

Simple by staying in truth.

What fault is there?Who is at fault? And for what reason?Each person involved in a conflict should be truthfull have discernement and accept their error,be mercifull of someone else error,learn and grow from those failures, solve those problem division and inequity.

Often they fall in judging,blaming,division,conflict,desire,inequity,power seeking and control of the other.

And that means that they have still much more to learn and acquire maturity,self control,unity,understanding,wisdom,truth,peace,love.To move from darkness to light.

So let there be light, Be the light that you can be,experience and enjoy.


answered 08 Feb '13, 10:02

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

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