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I have some close family members whose love for me turned to hate on a dime. It seems that there will be no reconciliation, no forgiveness, no end to their enmity. It hurts me that I cannot even speak to them, or contact them. They cut me off because I flipped out back in 2007, acted crazy after my husband asked me for a divorce, and they will not believe that I am a new person with a new life. Because it is Thanksgiving, I have thought about them a bit, and am a little sad. I tried to focus on all the good people who have come into my life, but I have to admit that I want "my day in court". Their silence is very hard to bear. What is it about love that makes it turn to hate so easily? Or is it that they never loved me in the first place? I have come as far as to not obsess over this any more, but the holidays do bring out the memories. Has this ever happened to you? What did you do? In Peace, on Thanksgiving 2012, Jaianniah
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Hi, Jai. Happy Thanksgiving. It seems like five years is an awful long time to stay mad, or to hold a grudge. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling a bit sad. Do you think you could give these family members another opportunity to forgive, forget, and move on? Or maybe talking to them just isn't possible? If it is, maybe you could be the bigger person, and try that contact again. Hearts do tend to be sore on holidays, don't they, when there is separation? I'm feeling it keenly today myself, though for different reasons. I have been reaching for one better thought, over and over again today. :) Hard hearts do also tend to soften at holiday time, which is why I suggested giving it one more try. You don't seem to have anything to lose, right? :) Anyway, I think that sometimes, and with some relationships, "love" is confined to the perameters of the roles you play. If you step outside your role, the love is withdrawn. We all hope to be loved at our least lovable times, as well as when we are pleasing to everyone, but it just isn't so if those people can't or won't see past you stepping out of bounds. We all have these rules, to a greater or lesser extent; things we just could not live with in the people with whom we share our lives. Your estranged family members' ideas of what is and is not forgivable are simply different than yours, it would seem. I have found, when I am unforgiven, that there is usually another factor in play, however. If I shocked or embarrassed someone, or somehow frightened them, which threatened their sense of security, these things bring pride into the mix, and wounded pride can be tough for some to overcome. I wonder, not knowing your situation, if it may have to do with what, in my life, have been my very worst falls from "grace" (lol). These have come when someone insisted upon putting me on a pedestal, much against my will, I might add. When you inevitably fall from that false, lofty height, people seem to resent that very human circumstance more than anything else. Perhaps because they have some awareness that they created it with their own unrealistic expectation, and feel the humiliation attendant on that. Just my rambling thoughts, Jai. I guess what I'm getting around to, is that there may be a lot of reasons why people can't get past difficult things and rise above. Maybe your peace will be found in forgiving them, for not forgiving you. However you reach it, I hope that peace is with you soon. Love, Grace http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnrksnCUzf8 http://innergamereframe.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/women-on-pedestal.jpg http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/04/05/putting-women-on-pedestals-dont-do-it/ could also say that some women think they are being put on a pedestal when the men is nice to her.but it is not a question of pedestal it is simply love. but they fall down pretty fast if they do not wake up. if they are not able to be equal and mature and able to reason.
(22 Nov '12, 21:48)
white tiger
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Happy Thanksgiving 2013 Jai & Wade
Can you give up your need to be right and let it go? I have. Does it really matter who was right & who was wrong? This was a co-creation - we both were right & we were both wrong. Please don't let the hurts of yesterday control your now. Don't let those hurts steal one more minute of happiness ... A Gratitude Ritual The beautiful gifts of gratitude begin at home Notice all the riches you've been given Become present to the treasures of your life Allow fear, doubt, struggle and pain Send your tears of love and gratitude Today, take this vow of deep self-love and gratitude Take five slow deep breaths, breathing in love, appreciation, gratitude and joy ~ by Debbie Ford (1955-2013) composed November of 2012.
May Thanksgiving Blessings Abound ... @Wade & @Jai please come "home" for Thanksgiving. ETATo answer you question
Law of Polarity ~ everything has its opposites ~ Love & Hate are opposites. Just opposite poles of the same energy. As for your biological family. Everything is a co creation. Some ppl can't take any responsibility for their pain & their part in creating it or keeping it alive way after the fact. They blame someone else or God or Satan in hopes of feeling better. If you intentionally hurt someone, you're responsible for the initial pain & vice-versa. How you feel after that, is on you. It also helps to give up the need to be right.. As for the Law of Polarity & the LOA ~ just look at you & me. I don't like being a victim & I don't like seeing you continue to be one. Perhaps your victim persona brought out my inner bully. Life is short Jai & being a victim is taking a toll on your health. Take back your light... Thanks for being an excellent teacher... Peace & Love ~ Ele
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This answer is marked "community wiki".
@ele- You, too, have been an excellent teacher...Especially my naivete re: The Internet. I have put waaaaaaaay too much personal info on the Net- you were right about that. I was shocked when I googled Me. Please, please know how much I appreciate your reconciling and amending your position, making all well again. (-cont. below)
(27 Nov '13, 10:28)
Jaianniah
I know that your motives were out of a desire to teach and help, but in the end, I became nearly suicidal and deeply embarrassed that such a fuss was being made. You have proven that you have a Big Heart. ♥♥♥♥ Jai♥
(27 Nov '13, 10:32)
Jaianniah
I especially am glad to see my Wade happily posting on IQ again. For me, that is the greatest gift you have given to me. Wade was inconsolable and depressed. He has learned from this, I think. I kept saying to him, "This is my issue. Not yours." But Wade loves what and who he loves deeply and completely, and when that is lost, he thinks that he must move on and never look back. Perhaps now he will see that broken "toys" can be mended and/or replaced...Thank you, ele. So very much! ♥♥
(27 Nov '13, 10:34)
Jaianniah
BTW, Happy Thanksgiving to you. I am Home. Also BTW, au revoir means basically, "Til we see each other again." Americans tend to think it means "Goodbye Forever..." I meant it in the French way. I have spoken French since I was nine. Badly, but I do speak it. LOL! But I understand it more. I think I will leave my prayer up on my profile as a reminder of forgiveness and the Greatness of Love and God. See you again soon. ♥
(27 Nov '13, 10:44)
Jaianniah
This is so sweet. Great answer about love turning into hate and hate turning into love. Anne and I wish you and Wade a very Happy Thanksgiving also. We have a lot to be thankful for!
(27 Nov '13, 10:56)
Dollar Bill
@Dollar Bill- Yes, we have a lot to be thankful for...33 years of Bill W. for me on the 6th! Whoo-hoo! I have my bottle of chilled sparkling grape juice in the 'fridge. Love that stuff more than I ever loved anything hard...Interesting. Thank you also for the "validation" of the stuff going on here on IQ...Wade has emailed you on this. My email is me at yahoo. Please do send me an email so I can add you to my list of special people. You and Anne have a great Turkey Day! ♥
(27 Nov '13, 11:35)
Jaianniah
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that was nice to see you guys patch up!! good job! :-) happy thanksgiving all!!
(27 Nov '13, 16:51)
abrahamloa
@Jai au revoir No, I knew what it meant. I knew you would be back eventually. I thought it was better for EVERYONE to resolve this sooner than later. "broken "toys" can be mended and/or replaced" Yes I agree; but we are NOT toys - we are all members of the IQ family & I realize you come from a dysfunctional family w/ a cap D - but relationships & family should not dissolve because of a silly spat. I'm sorry you doubted my heart. Jai - you are never at loss for words when (A)
(27 Nov '13, 20:13)
ele
(B) you write. Please don't let others speak for you & you do NOT need someone defending you - not against me - I promise. It just started to snowball... What a mess. I did google you just now. Not really anything I haven't seen posted here. Don't worry. Love the psalm too. I posted a video - click on your ? . Don't bring it forward - don't want the Chinese characters hashed. Beautiful love song & vibe. lol Laughter always brings out the best in me. Nearly every one here has the highest
(27 Nov '13, 20:21)
ele
(C) regard for both you and @Wade . We greatly appreciate both you & Wades contributions & sharing your life lessons & struggles with us. Most of all we appreciate you guys.. I thought you would appreciate the poem by Debbie . I know you must be familiar with her work Shadow ETA -- no, my intention was never to teach. Sorry, you don't get it. Thanks @abrahamloa Happy Turkey Day!
(27 Nov '13, 20:32)
ele
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I think white tiger hit on the point here. Love can turn so quickly because we humans have learned to attach conditions to what we know as love. We love others because of what we deem them to be to us, how they make us feel inside. Even the love of a parent to a child in this reality is somewhat conditional. We all gain a certain feeling from loving something whether it makes us feel good or bad. We even have conditions on our love for our pets. That feeling we get from loving is the condition. I love you as long as you are this thing to me, as long as you are my love or my child or my family member in the way I see you to be. A change in that role can change the condition. This is all our 3rd dimensional thinking and I wouldn't worry of it too much as we are currently moving into higher states of awareness as a human race where we will begin to expereince more unconditional love. In the meantime, we can't change other people but you can use the Law of Attraction to make changes. However, you have to first stop looking at them as not caring for you because those thoughts are actually telling the Universe to keep making sure that they continue not to care for you. You could try and visualize them loving you back but really sometimes the best way is not to put them in the picture at all and just focus on how much you care for them. Be careful to not have any but's at the end of it. Like, I care for them so much but I wish they felt the same way, but I feel bad and sad that they respond to me this way. If you focus only on sending out positive thoughts, energetically speaking, things will have to change. |
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when what is called love is but real love without dependence the light shine and darkness does not understand it. often the water is dark and deep. if one that is in darkness can understand this simple fact that he is lost in is own darkness is own division. solve is division inside is own cup and see is reflection the light and know that the light is good, and make the water and the light become one in over 40 days, overcome and go above, then: Let there be light, be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.
(27 Nov '13, 11:21)
white tiger
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There is a lot to love to understand.. as you sit there, reading this.. everything AROUND you is made from love.. the universe, even "hate" and negativity.. EVERYTHING! Does that seem easy to understand now? (probably not!) :D lol But alright let's talk about 2 kinds of love alright..? in the 3rd dimension.. most of us only know a love called "conditional love" It goes like this.. if you take the trash out.. clip my nails.. go to the grocery store for me.. or I won't love you! That's the type of love all of us have usually grown up with.. in the 4th and 5th dimension it's possible to experience a type of love called "unconditional love" and guess what that love has NO CONDITIONS.. guess what?? you don't have to take the trash out.. I'll still love you! ;) Unconditional love has no judgment in it.. you don't judge people on their bad hair! or smelly smell! it's just U-N-C-O-N-D-I-T-I-O-N-A-L it's beautiful really.. and feels good to boot :) Learn to leave the world of "conditional" love.. and learn to unconditionally love yourself! And from there.. you can provide it to the world if you choose! as well.. no biggie if you don't.. :P 1
I have some close family members whose love for me turned to hate on a dime. It seems that there will be no reconciliation, no forgiveness, no end to their enmity. Let me share a secret with you.. when a person puts out hate.. the only person there hurting is themselves.. and don't play into that game that you did something bad cause you didn't.. don't put back out hate or blame either.. learn to be happy with or without people in your life.
(27 Nov '13, 16:43)
themaster
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Love turns to Hate quickly because people don't understand that not forgiving and not loving will make like less enjoyable than hating. Some people would rather be "right" and "justified" by wrath and hatred than to forgive and be happy. @arpgme no one like to be burnt their hands in fire. In the same way no one is right to hatred. All is justified with love. :) Be ** with Love and enjoy.
(03 Dec '13, 23:10)
PERFECT GOOD
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It's when we considered that the loved one had no minimum tolerance to ourselves that would make our essential needs couldn't be fulfilled properly or at least our needs couldn't be fulfilled to the specific extent. To solve this is not easy, but at least we can solve it on the level of our understanding.
How is it that love can turn to hate so easily? It's because of degree of acceptance to the tolerance in between us |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2B6SjMh_w
This is very telling. Are these people by any chance your children which you abused? Victims of abuse generally have a "Wake up" moment when they recognize their abuser as being worthy of hate. If they loved the abuser, the hate is especially strong. They cannot handle contact because they don't want to be manipulated through the remnants of that love. Perhaps you are just not a very good person.
@flowsurfer R.I.P- No, these people are NOT my children. I did NOT abuse my children. The people I am referring to are from my family of origin, and are mostly very opinionated and Godless. It is simply more convenient for them to not have contact with me because they would have to accept me as I am...i.e., prone to MRSA infections and a very complicated diabetic. They are very rich and very snobby. That is what they really are. They lack mercy and they lack love. I pity them now. ♥
@Jai hmm RIP Dancing on @flow s grave. I don't know why I expected any different from you. You did the same thing to @Cal - except it was much worse. Nothing like a little vengeance. What did SR say to you when you started that Q about Cals evil? I think @flow made an honest mistake & it was a fair Q. Perhaps he would not have made this mistake had all the chat not been deleted. hmm Why does the yr 2007 ring a bell? "flipped out back in 2007" You mean they didn't believe you?