I won't be making other questions but I have to get this off my chest. I don't know if there is any answer anyone can give me that would give me any sense of relief or direction but I'm making the question just for the sake of making it, maybe The Universe will reply some other way.

I remember that I have in the past gone through periods of what I could only describe as a calm euphoria. Periods of certainty, trust, confidence. Periods of just going with the flow and feeling generally good. If what I felt in those periods wasn't "being in the vortex" I don't know what is. My posts here may have given the impression that I'm always complaining or focusing on the negative but that is not the case.

However, I am finding it is getting difficult to feel truly good and pretty much impossible to sustain that feeling. The heart of it lies in my awareness of the past; I remember that I failed and I have come to expect failure. While in the past I could overcome that expectation by deliberately focusing on a positive expectation, by dreaming of a better future, it now feels like my dreams are dead and unreal.

I think the core of this may be the sense that I am now too old, that I am running out of time. The sense that I can just pick myself up and try again is fading. My life did not go as I had hoped; I basically feel like I did not live the last 15 years. When I say I feel old people think that is odd because they see someone still in their twenties but I say that from the perspective of a person that on a mental level, is still around twelve and looking forward to his teens and growing into adulthood.

It feels like someone stole a huge chunk of my life. I'm not saying anyone else is to blame, I know I did it to myself but now I carry this weight of guilt in me for having stolen a child's future, for being both the victim and the perpetrator. When I would go in search of a gun to give up on life what stopped me was thinking of that child as another person, the one person I felt I had victimized and had no right to abandon.

This is actually the only reason I turned to all of this "law of attraction" stuff, because I had to find a way to redeem myself and there was no way in the "natural" world. I didn't get to the law by reading books, watching the secret or anything, I felt it and deduced it intuitively and only some time later (over an year) did I start reading the material. When I talk of the modeling thing or being a playboy or whatever, those are the ways I can see to make up for what I deprived myself of without asking for a Disney movie type miracle. I am just trying to abandon the constant and fruitless struggle I went through in the past, having my mind focused on things that I didn't really care about but thought were important and give that child, myself, the life he deserves, because I love him and he shouldn't have to be stuck with the mess I created.

So what happens is that I feel heartbroken not so much because I failed this or that time but because every year I fail puts me further away from anything I would consider a success. It's not a pain I can just let go of because it constantly renews itself. It's getting hard to see in the future, from where I am, anything worthwhile. Time feels like an enemy, not a friend. Even Neville with all his "there are no limitations" and "all things are possible" takes the fact that we age for granted. He speaks of being restored upon death and my thoughts are that I want nothing in this life anymore and only hope his belief is true and that I can have a fresh start, without loss of identity.

asked 22 Jan '13, 23:07

flowsurfer's gravatar image


edited 22 Jan '13, 23:25

Stick around, the answers to all your questions will come. Author of conversations with god said all of his interactions with (who he claims is) God always came when his "thinking mind was put at rest."

(23 Jan '13, 07:32) Nikulas

Go find mazes on the internet, solve every one. Do this over and over again maybe 50 times or more then meditate on, "Have I learned something from this?"

(19 Feb '13, 00:29) Wade Casaldi
showing 0 of 2 show 2 more comments

if you want succes be the success. to complain and stay stuck on things of the past does not help you,learn from your error,and make the necessary correction. what is the difference between a looser and a winner? the winner learn from is error get back up make another step and keep on going.if you are looking for things on the outside to change your inside you will wait a long while.and time is against you in this you are telling the truth,because the physical matter decay. that is why you need to make the time work for you by using it the best you can right now.who can add a single hour in is life by worrying? but if you really want to surrender and kill your self you can use that energy to motivate you to each day wait for God doing this will bring you to him eventually.and the one that is truthfull will give you the choice again to stay above or come back here to Be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy. you have free will use it. and stop being the darkness and letting this world dictate you and through you down.

so let there be light,Be the light that you can be,experience and enjoy.


answered 22 Jan '13, 23:35

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

I'm not looking for material wealth or some sort of "achievement" in the world, though having resources is always better than not having resources. I don't know what the necessary correction is, if there is any. What do you mean by "eventually"?

(23 Jan '13, 01:19) flowsurfer

if you take the energy from the resolve to kill your self and turn it to something positive to have the resolve towait for God and keep watch,then eventually it will happen.it is even writen in the bible. But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. http://bible.cc/deuteronomy/4-29.htm

(23 Jan '13, 01:50) white tiger

When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the LORD your God and obey him. http://bible.cc/deuteronomy/4-30.htm For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath. http://bible.cc/deuteronomy/4-31.htm

(23 Jan '13, 01:51) white tiger

O men of little faith why do you doubt?when will you listen?Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?did i not told you the truth from the very beguinning?

(23 Jan '13, 01:57) white tiger
showing 2 of 4 show 2 more comments

You are only in your 20"s think about me I am approaching my late 40"s! I see young guys like you that own companies and have nice homes etc... I don't have much to show for success myself.

I look back at my life and think man I screwed this life up, I must have blown my mission and I am in my mid 40"s and still don't know what I am here on earth for. Why I bothered to come down to Earth, whatever the reason, I am sure I blew it, so now am just working to survive life until death.

You have 20 some years ahead to get where I am so don't end up like me, you are young, there its still hope for your success yet.

I am happy with my Jaianniah, so that is good.

I was just trying to be helpful showing things could be worse, so be happy.

Unfortunately I choose a venue similar to my fathers approach, "You think you have problems, you think you have pain, you think you're sick?" Then proceeds to point out he has it way worse and I should be thankful for what I have.


answered 22 Jan '13, 23:36

Wade%20Casaldi's gravatar image

Wade Casaldi

edited 23 Jan '13, 00:50


success is not mesure by material wealth,but by how much obstacle you have over come,and by what you did to help your neighbor,do not sell your self short on the appearance of this world wade.

(22 Jan '13, 23:41) white tiger

“Try not to become a man of success. Rather become a man of value.” ― Albert Einstein

You are a man of GREAT value. I only wish you felt as I do about your life! I love you. You have made me blissfully happy. Does that not count for something? Jai

(23 Jan '13, 00:09) Jaianniah

@Jaianniah Yes you count for a lot in my life, that is why I love you so much. :-)

(23 Jan '13, 00:18) Wade Casaldi

"Unfortunately I choose a venue similar to my fathers approach, "You think you have problems, you think you have pain, you think you're sick?" Then proceeds to point out he has it way worse and I should be thankful for what I have." That's funny isn't it? The idea we can comfort others by telling them things will get worse. Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die. Maybe the idea has merit. But that is already "in my face" as I see my father and grandparents.

(23 Jan '13, 01:13) flowsurfer

"Two will recline on a couch; one will die, one will live." but if you are from the world and live only on the outside letting the world dictate you there is no help for you."Whoever has come to know the world has discovered a carcass, and whoever has discovered a carcass, of that person the world is not worthy."

(23 Jan '13, 01:23) white tiger

@Wade Casaldi First & last, a big virtual cyber hug from me to you. Ok, you are in your mid 40's, not late 40's. In all probability your life is not half over; there is NO reason to believe you won't live another 50 years. Your glass is half full; not half empty. @Jai - give him a whack or two with that proverbial 2 by 4 from me too, plus a big hug. Also NO more pie!

(23 Jan '13, 02:59) ele

@ele and @Wade Casdldi : who knows maybe in 50 years it will be like a glass of iced tea they will have free refills too ;)

(23 Jan '13, 04:17) ursixx

@ursixx I had to come back to read my comment cause I couldn't figure out what iced tea had to do with anything I talked about tonight. lol! Just so you know, NOT an iced tea fan.

(23 Jan '13, 04:35) ele

@ele you know when you go to a restaurant like a Denny's and order iced tea with your meal they always a refill! (or at least they did when I lived in the states)

(23 Jan '13, 05:12) ursixx

@ele-Done! Well-Whacked with 2 x 4...Now he is hearing about how everything he does, and the value of it...I forget about all his Black Belts...I am sure to be dead by tonight! :) Jai

(23 Jan '13, 08:58) Jaianniah

@ursixx um, never been in a Denny's. Yes,I'm aware of the ice tea custom. In most states, FF places give free never ending beverage refills. I thought you were sayin' it was poss in 50 yrs we may just get another 50 yrs & another 50 yrs after that due to the marvels of modern med or science. Now I see you are actually sayin' our glass is ALWAYS FULL (runneth over) or has the potential to be. My drink of choice has always been H2O; not always free;but it's my choice if my glass is full or not.

(23 Jan '13, 19:37) ele

I love free refills!

Just like I love eating at the Prosperity Buffet. All the food I could eat for one low price. Salad, main meal and dessert as much as I like, oh yeah!

I love the idea of life being the glass is only half full, here let me fill that up for you. Yes! Excellent!

(23 Jan '13, 21:02) Wade Casaldi

@Wade Casaldi - You're so funny, thanks for the smile. :) @ursixx I love Denny's, and the endless iced tea. The very best place for breakfast or French fries at 2 a.m.! Yum! (Mmm baaacon....)

(23 Jan '13, 21:57) Grace
(30 Jan '13, 17:08) ursixx

@ursixx ~~ (actually wrote this out at the time & never had time to post it) lol! don't be tempting me. Closest I've got to IQ is my inbox. I only peeked twice for only a brief moment in time & you know I'm an addict...

Thanks for the Sheldon link. I recall Jai sayin' the very same thing once upon a time - it's somewhere around here.

(18 Feb '13, 21:09) ele
showing 2 of 15 show 13 more comments

When Thomas Edison was interviewed by a young reporter who boldly asked Mr. Edison if he felt like a failure and if he thought he should just give up by now. Perplexed, Edison replied, "Young man, why would I feel like a failure? And why would I ever give up? I now know definitively over 9,000 ways that an electric light bulb will not work. Success is almost in my grasp." And shortly after that, and over 10,000 attempts, Edison invented the light bulb.

I hope you can use Edison as a tool for Inspiration ♥♥♥


answered 18 Feb '13, 21:27

Starlight's gravatar image



awesome :)

(18 Feb '13, 21:35) paul st

depprresion is a chance to look at yourself deeply and work out what you need to change, do you drink alcohol, then stop. making excuses and stop. do you take drugs at all, then stop, send love to someone you have fallen out with, go walking among trees, do you smoke, then stop. lie on your back and stare at the clouds in a field among nature. do you drink 2 much coffee, is it making you anxious, then stop, be honest with yourself, be strong with yourself, don't give in to self pity, change something, move some furniture, clean a window, brush your teeth with the other hand, put some seed out for the birds, dance in the dark to your favorite song, offer it all to god, change something, stop something, begin something i say all of this with love and compassion. COME ON fight fight fight because you are a winner my friend, YOU ARE AMAZING.


answered 18 Feb '13, 21:54

paul%20st's gravatar image

paul st

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