For the past two years I have been struggling to let go off a person who has choosen to be friends with me only at his convenience. We hit it off very well in the beginning and spent hours together everyday for about three months when we first met up. I realised instinctively after sometime that things were not the same, but was unable to believe it and was surprised that a person who seemed so nice and wonderful could be so indifferent all of a sudden.
While I realised that the person’s behaviour had definitely changed towards me, I could’nt get myself to be indifferent to him like how he did. I was trying to be the same person that I was when we met. I was desperately hanging on to something which did not exist anymore. Though I never went over the top, everytime I came across this person and tried to hold a friendly conversation, he would ignore me, in a way insulting me by not responding at all. Sometimes, even if he noticed me somewhere he would ignore me completely and carry on with his work.
Despite being ignored I couldnt get myself to stop extended plesantaries. Its never been in me not to say Hi to someone I know when I come across that person. But that person would just pass off saying he is busy. (There was a time when this person would wait for me endlessly and ping me every few minutes just to check what I was upto!). I may have come across as this desperate woman to him after all my attempts to be friends with him again!
I know I was wrong in hoping for things to change and was plainly stupid. Though gradually I kept distance from the person I could never let go off the thoughts of him from my mind. To me those 3 months were my happiest days. I did want this friendship to get more serious at that time. I remember this man encouraging my feelings for him in those last few weeks of us being really close friends. And there I was a person who had never got close to any other man in the past and believed everything to be true.
For the past one and half years I have thought of this person constantly, every minute! Foolish..yup I am.
However, whenever this guy felt it was convenient(about once in 15 days!) for him to be friends with me, he would call me, visit me, ping me late in the evenings and would tell me about all the new things he did in the recent past, about his career, family and life in general. Yet never once asked me what I was upto or how I have been or what I have done lately. The conversation would always be about him and his life and nothing else.
This was the case until recently when he called me to announce his marriage. I was not delighted, but was polite enough to wish him the best. I thought this is the best time for me to get over him and let go off him. However to top it all, recently he said something along the lines of me being an outsider and not actually a friend or a close person and kept repeating it! Though he used me to rant him life story every few days, all of a sudden I was not even a friend!
I now feel sorry for myself that I thought of this person to be my friend for life! Despite how he treated me in the past, I still looked upto this person as a good humanbeing. I feel terribly insulted and regret every moment I spent for this person. I am very angry with him and with myself and this has only aggravated the pain I had snubbed for the last year and half.
Despite me trying to forgive myself and forgive the other person and letting go off the past I am not able to do anything about it. I am not able to get myself in the ‘good feeling’ mode nor am I able to write something nice in the ‘focus block’.
The anger and helplessness of not being able to get back at that person for insulting me so much is making me insane. I have wasted enough time and life and love on a person who never acknowledged it and I atleast now want to start afresh but am unable to do so. I think I need help.
Can anyone please tell me how to let go off this anger,let go off this person from my life? ..Help me start the focus block with some positive thoughts as I am nowhere near positivity at the moment? I can only feel the frustration and sickness of having let someone take me for granted. PLEASE HELP.
Should I still keep in touch with this person? As we are bound to come across each other almost everyday, it is difficult for me to ignore him and yet be peaceful. May sound immature, but I dont want this person to know how much he has hurt me. I definitely want to at least seem indifferent!
(I must admit that, all the experiences I have mentioned here are definitely manifestations of my thoughts, as I did fear of losing him right from the beginning, feared of being ignored, feared of seeing someone else in his life, feared of getting angry with him, feared of being rejected...and everything has come true! A lesson well learnt but paid pretty heftily for it :( )
asked 30 Jul '10, 14:59
showing 2 of 6 show 4 more comments
The quote Michaela refers to is from Siddhartha Buddha:
This is going to sound strange, but the way out is forgiveness. You have to forgive your friend.
Anger occurs because feel that someone has violated one of our rules. Anger persists when we believe that the person must pay for that violation (i.e. we seek justice).
But holding onto that kind of anger is like drinking poison. You only hurt yourself.
Forgiving your friend is done the same way you approach other seemingly insurmountable problems. You pray, meditate, or do whatever you normally do to appeal to your own concept of a higher power to take away the burden.
Holding onto anger is a form of addiction. There is a sense of power in being angry. But it is only ego power, it is not true power. True power comes from being centered and at peace with yourself.
Notice that I haven't talked much about your friend at all. Your current state of mind no longer has anything to do with your friend. It has to do with your choice to hurt yourself by holding on to the anger. And your friend could care less about that. In fact, as long as you hold onto the anger, your friend still controls you. Think about that, and ask yourself whether you're willing to continue to give your friend control over your emotional state of mind.
answered 30 Jul '10, 20:32
Thanks for clarifying the quote Vesuvius :)
(31 Jul '10, 12:46) Michaela
Thanks Vesuvius.. I am struggling to let go of this anger and sadness.. I am right now not able to concentrate on anything else.. I constantly think of this person and just dont know how to stop thinking at all! Please tell me a method which I can use to forget something unpleasant.. While meditating/praying I just end up sitting quitely and tears roll down feeling absolutely sad.. I dont want to hold on to anger but dont know how to let it go..
(31 Jul '10, 14:19) Destiny'schild
You will let go when you decide to stop hurting yourself.
(31 Jul '10, 23:45) Vesuvius
This is very helpful to me also. Thanks, Vesuvius.
(20 Dec '10, 01:46) figure8shape
showing 2 of 4 show 2 more comments
Wow! Pat yourself on the back. Look at all you manifested to come true for you - "I must admit that, all the experiences I have mentioned here are definitely manifestations of my thoughts, as I did fear of losing him right from the beginning, feared of being ignored, feared of seeing someone else in his life, feared of getting angry with him, feared of being rejected...and everything has come true! A lesson well learnt but paid pretty heftily for it :( "
At least from this realization you get to see what power you do have when you believe everything you think.
Rather than trying to let go of the anger associated with this relationship, I think you would be better fully feeling that anger and expressing it in a healthy way - that may mean punching a pillow or putting your thoughts to words or painting it. Whatever way you can creatively express that emotion is healthy as opposed to suppressing that anger because by doing so, it will only come back and manifest itself later in a dysfunctional way. Relish the fact that you are able to feel it now and it won't come back and haunt you at a later date.
Regarding the relationship, if you read your last paragraph, you already know where you were at fault - you came across too needy from the beginning. However, this in no way excuses how he treated you but he has his own lessons to learn - we can never purposely hurt another and not suffer for it in some way. However, holding thoughts of resentment will not help you in any way so somehow you have to forgive which really just means letting go in order to move on.
I remember reading a Buddhist quote which went something like "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal, you are really only hurting yourself". Express the anger in some way and then let both it and him go so you can create space for a real relationship to take place in your life. Good luck:)
answered 30 Jul '10, 20:18
Hi Micheala.. thank you.. I am not a great writer, and anything I write just reflects my negativity.. cant think of anything positive at all to write..While I understand that that may be a way for me to give vent to my frustration, I just feel more sad and end up crying. May be I should try painting.. I will keep you posted. Thanks again.
(31 Jul '10, 14:23) Destiny'schild
Thanks Michaela, insightful response. Much appreciated.
(20 Dec '10, 01:49) figure8shape
You're very welcome guys :)
(20 Dec '10, 12:45) Michaela
Hi Michaela, Love your answer as well. You have a great ability to express the truth just the way it is without being blunt (as I tend to be sometimes). Love the Buddhist quote as well. May I use it?
(23 Dec '10, 17:52) The Traveller
Thanks Traveller - And by all means use the quote, you don't need my permission . Vesuvius has provided the accurate version :)
(24 Dec '10, 02:51) Michaela
showing 2 of 5 show 3 more comments
There is this moment.
That's all there is
Everything else that happened, will happen, may happen, must happen, are only alive in the imagination.
That does not mean that what is now in the imagination as a result of what happened in the past is somehow now irrelevant.
What happened has happened and your soul has to somehow process this experience into a manageable memory.
But that's what you have now.
You are at the mercy of your memory.
It is not your now, but it is pretending to be your now.
Can you go back to fix what happened in a way so that you will experience some emotional relief in the present moment?
Ask yourself that question.
The only thing you can fix is what is in your present memory.
So pick all the good times that you remember and remember them in detail, not as a loss that you cannot re-experience, but as a "Been there and done that" (and now moving on) sort of way.
When you catch yourself sliding into a lonesome state of mind, replace that with the good memories that you chose to examine in detail. (Remember, you are trying to resonate with the feeling that the happy memories contain)
Now how can you avoid this in the future?
What happened to you happens to everybody in some way or another.
If it's not a relationship, it is a friendship, or it is a work situation, or a family situation.
We are all working within an imperfect set of circumstances and we are all trying to fix it as it keeps deviating from our perfectly laid plans.
It is not the circumstances that change in a person's life.
It is the meaning that a person gives to the circumstances in their life that changes them.
Have you had that moment in your life where you are suddenly moved by something within you to say "Good morning" or "Hi there" or "Hey that's a nice dress" to either somebody you know or a stranger?
When that feeling arose within you, did you follow through with it?
If you did, how did it feel at that exact moment?
Didn't it feel great to be suddenly moved by your spirit to spontaneously do something like that?
But right after that, did you then analyze how that other person received your comment towards them?
Did you worry about what they must have thought about you?
Did you put yourself in their shoes momentarily and imagine "I wonder Why they suddenly said Good morning to me......., I wonder why this person who doesn't talk to me suddenly say Hi......., I wonder why she said this is a nice dress, maybe it's ugly......etc., etc., etc.
You see where I'm going with this.
That's the part you have to catch yourself doing and understand the consequences of using your consciousness in that manner.
We are the architects of our own emotional prison and we construct it one worry brick at a time without realizing the long term consequences of them.
The more meaning you give to things and ideas far beyond what they actually are, the more you begin to construct your own, largely imaginary, version of what actually took place.
But then because consciousness also attracts and creates your circumstances in reality, what you "believed" happened the last time, then turns around and actually happens to you the next time.
So the meaning you give to something "imaginary" one time, then lives up to your imaginary expectation the next time, until over time your expectation unfolds as your current reality.
I'm sure at some point, your perception of being ignored by your friend preceded the eventual "actual" ignoring of you by your friend.
And then when you tried to be friendly because you felt you were being ignored, it became an un-fixable equation within the reality consciousness system.
Think about it.
You were being friendly because you felt you were being ignored.
Therefore reality must constantly provide you the circumstance of being ignored so that you can then be friendly within the confines of that particular circumstance.
Think about it.....
Your pre expectation sets the stage for the circumstances that surround you.
Your expectation is what attracts the other actors in your reality theatre.
They read from the script that your write in the form of your pre-expectation.
Except, they experience this as their own ideas and don't realize that your pre-expectation is a component within their source of consciousness.
The first time you get burned by fire it is a lesson and you didn't know it.
Now if you start worrying about being burned again, the universe must constantly keep placing fires in your path so that you can physically see what it is that you are worrying about.
You have only one way out of this memory of suffering.
It is to stop suffering from it.
As long as you keep suffering from this memory, the universe MUST re-create it for you again and again so that you can perceive through you five senses, what is occupying your conscious and unconscious attention.
But look on the bright side.
You are at the point of figuring this out not just for this lifetime, but for your entire multidimensional existence.
Soon you will be an expert on this and I'm sure you will be teaching others how to transform their lives.
answered 23 Dec '10, 03:48
After reading my answer I felt it needed this comment. I'm not saying that your friend's behavior was a product of your consciousness. I'm saying that his behavior towards you was compatible with your pre-expectation. If it wasn't, either He would have changed, or you would have not put up with it and moved on with your life.
(23 Dec '10, 04:00) The Traveller
Great answer Traveller :)
(23 Dec '10, 13:38) Michaela
Thank You Michaela!
(23 Dec '10, 17:44) The Traveller
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments
The anger and frustration have become a habit. Move forward by finding new friends, doing things that are fun and that make you happy. You might have to put some effort into that, but please do it and you will not regret it! Some friendships/relationships aren't a good fit, because you aren't in the same "mental or emotional place" at the same time. Wish him well, practice meaning that, and just move on. You won't forget it, but you will get over it. Best wishes.
answered 30 Jul '10, 22:42
Thanks LeeAnn.. I agree that I must mean wishing him well. May be that will help me in some time. I need to get myself to meet mew people, yes.
(31 Jul '10, 14:26) Destiny'schild
Here is my opinion :
You say "you feel sorry for yourself"... After reading your letter, I feel sorry for him instead. You don't have to regret anything. He is the one who behaves not as an nice human being, not you. The important fact that you have to fully understand is that this person has not changed. It's really really important to look at your story with that fact in mind. He was "like that" before, during ans still now. This is a way gain "power" on someone else. This is his trick to feel good. You have done anything wrong. (I have to go now, but I didn't want to leave you without a start of answer. I'll write more when i'll get back)
answered 30 Jul '10, 15:18
Thanks Pierre.. Will look forward to your further response.
(31 Jul '10, 14:14) Destiny'schild
The path to peace is forgiveness~ You must forgive yourself for sticking around you did nothing wrong for you NEEDED this to be better developed. Take this most beautiful lesson of preferences and use it for your forever nowness. Forgive this person and be thankful for all that this person has taught you because of this person you are here now being with people who might not know you but love you, for you are we.
The path out of anger goes through Love. Love yourself and this person and love that you felt anger. Anger is very ok but not to hold on to. Always let the anger PASS through you.
Love from all of us and you re on a super wonderful journey. You will feel better sooner than you know.
We know it
Funny enough that while I am writing this I just noticed that "Love Will Find A Way" by Pablo Cruise is playing. WOW! Very Fitting. Give it a listen.
answered 17 Dec '10, 15:02
yes, I agree.That person was there for both people to gain in self-knowledge and to come to the conclusion of what is wanted in this life. We are all on such a wonderful journey; it's so good to read here and help myself to learn more.
(12 Nov '12, 19:42) clearheart
i would say that your fear. have dictated your action and the men most have sense that you where acting from fear. and that is probably why he took some distance. he might have appreciate you and your quality. also if he was working or was busy it might not have been the time to go talk to him. but now you know why. and yes he is not perfect but you neither. getting angry will not solve annything. i could get angry for all the people not honest not real friends etc.............. but it will hurt me and other will that help annything? no it will not. if i go that way and seek retribution i might take a rifle and go hunting. it will not help me nor anny one will it? it is a life experience now you know better and will find someone better for you it is as simple as that. go out experience and enjoy life someone better will come along.
answered 17 Apr '12, 05:31
so good white tiger. Today i did not let my fear run my life, it felt so good.
(17 Nov '12, 09:03) clearheart
Think of this...
You have a very good banana cream pie. You eat a piece every day, it is so good!
But now, the day comes when you eat the very last piece. You thoroughly enjoy that last piece of pie. The next day comes, there is no pie! No more banana cream pie!
Do you regret ever having any banana cream pie? Do you feel like why did I even bother with this pie? Now it is gone and I have no more!
Or do you say that was a good banana cream pie, maybe I'll have another, maybe this time I'll have a cherry pie.
I know we think people should stay the same forever. The truth is we don't stay the same ourselves forever so to expect anything more of another is very unfair.
Think of what you had was it enjoyable at the time? Even if you were used, at the time did you enjoy it? Did it make you happy? If it did you used that person for your happiness as much as being used for happiness. We all constantly use each other for our happiness without thought. We don't realize it at the time but we do mutually.
This is similar to when we feel someone hurt us and find out that person feels that we hurt him. It is open to how we feel about things, we can choose to feel one way or another but the choice is our own.
answered 11 Nov '12, 14:27
@Wade Casaldi - love this answer. :)
(11 Nov '12, 15:09) Grace
Bear in mind that people change all the time, and you cannot hold it against them. So it is important you understand that you also have to change with the times, and you cannot live in the past, because you are going to end up hurting your self.
So take a deep breath, and clear the negative air around you, develop new habits, and focus on new and interesting goals to improve your self worth, and opportunities for establishing more productive relationships!
answered 27 Dec '10, 03:42
Inactive User ♦♦
This is wonderful to read on my journey to developing my own new habits.
(19 Nov '12, 01:34) clearheart
I can relate. I went through the same exact thing with my so called "wifey". She turned her back on me for someone she was dating. she completely flipped on me and I was left thinking "WTF??". Who is this person? Where was the close friend I gained? Everytime we talked, she would bring up only things about her also. She could care less about my life or issues. We've been friends for almost 3 years. We got into a huge argument the day before new years and I discontinued talking to her. And All i could do is think about her and the more I thought the more angry I became also. So here is what I did in this situation. I had to let go. Its not easy for shit but its something that had to be done. I was tired of crying at night over it. I kept thinking "How can someone that I love and care about this much, hurt me so badly and not give a fuck?" I got sick and tired of crying. I told myself that "its time to love and cherish myself". I deserve to be happy. The sad thing is no matter how hard you try they will never realize how much they mean to you. I was almost in tears after reading you post because I know that pain too well. I stopped communicating to her for 3 months. Just a few days ago I decided to talk again. I told her that i wasn't texting her to reunite as friends again. I just called to say hi. The real reason I text her was to see if she felt the same way I did. I wanted to know if she thought about me as much as i did her and if not being friends was hard for her as it was for me. She said she didn't feel anyway about it. It didn't surprise me at all really. Emotionally I am weak and tired of it. I told her I care too much while she doesn't. Make yourself believe that things have to change. No more lets be buddies again if he isn't willing to work with you and try. I don't recommend being friends with him again because it get harder to say good bye every time. Trust me I know from the same exact relationship. Me and her would argue all the time and at the end she would make me feel guilty even though she is the one that did me wrong. She claims to the notion "forgive and forget" but she doesn't know the meaning of forgiving is not to forget. To forgive means to pardon someone for their wrong doing instead of seeking revenge or getting even with them. To be honest I have grown from our friendship. I've learned my strengths and weaknesses. But now that we are talking again I will force things to change. Remember that you can not change your friends ways but you can change yours. Force to change yourself and give yourself time to heal. HERE'S A METAPHORE:Think of all the times he hurt you as cuts. CUTS take TIME TO HEAL. AND WHEN CUTS HEAL THEY LEAVE SCARS. SCARS ARE THE MEMORIES. THEY NEVER COMPLETELY GO AWAY so don't get upset when you start to think about him. Look at the friendship as LESSON LEARNED AND AVOID GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN. ITS HARD BUT LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. Finding friends and doing hobbies help but there will be times when you will think of him and cry again. Don't worry it's natural LOL I do it too. Letting go of someone is a gradual release, it takes time. So don't be so quick to get rid of the thoughts. The more your try not to think the more you do. I looked all around for answers until I discovered that the answer was within me all along. THE ANSWER/QUESTION IS WHAT DO I DESERVE? TO BE MISERABLE OR HAPPY? I CHOSE HAPPINESS. What will you choose and don't doubt yourself. I know seeing them with someone else jerks your nerves TRUST ME, BEEN THERE TOO. I found my enlightenment with in myself. but first you need to heal and let go of the pain that you don't rightfully deserve and forgive him for doing you wrong.Second accept the way things are between you two. You may not be friends then let it be. If he want to keep communication with you then so be it; just don't fall back into that same hole. BUILD BACK UP YOUR WALLS! DEFEND YOURSELF AND DON'T LET HIM IN UNLESS HE EARNS IT. Third think about what you DESERVE (HAPPINESS VS. MISERY)!Do you want to remain in your depression or get out? And finally fourth act on happiness, be happy. you can only be this way until you let go of the pain HE CAUSED! YOUR THE VICTIM HERE NOT HIM. Heal yourself first then everything else will follow. If you need support or want to talk about this more you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
answered 17 Apr '12, 05:04
***One thing that I see keeping me connected to the person who hurt me, is I want to see them well and happy. Still they sabotage themself too much.
Ok, so still I am unable to let this person go simply due to my feeelings for them. If I could stop having good or bad feelings toward this person maybe they would go away from my life, so far this person bobs in and out causing a small wave in my life.
I had a recent event with my person so I understand this kind of hurt.Now that I see all of this I know it's time to cut that string more completely than I have been allowing myself to do.***
answered 12 Nov '12, 01:31
Understand that your friend hurt you only because they are hurt themselves. Often we can heal our own feelings when we understand that the person was acting out of a wounded place themselves, and it actually had nothing to do with you. Sometimes it helps to have a clearing converstaion- if you cant do that with the person in person, it often helps to do it in your head with them to feel a sesne of peace and let go.
here's an example clearing conversation
You: "I'm so sorry I have been avoiding talking to you about something really important. I made up this story that you were really a terrible person and angry and hurtful and I know thats not who you really are. I know its not true. What is your experience?It would help me feel better to understand what is going on with you"
Person: "Wow, um.. I am going through some really stressful stuff right now and alot of pain, I didn't realize that I was coming off to you that way or hurting you also. That really upsets me now that I realize that. I deeply apologize for any pain I cause because i also appreciate you, I must have forgot that I valued your connection. I am also working to accept those who have hurt me in return. Thanks for reminding me of this and thanks for your honesty and communication"
Now it doesn't have to be exactly like this but the point is that either in your head or in person you are coming to the situation afrom a place of empowerment and honesty in recognizing that the other person is not acting out of a true place and thus they must have some unmet needs or some pain in their life which needs to be healed in order for you to heal. It also helps everyone take responsibility- so that you are responsibile about sharing your emotions and your truth while they should take responsibility for the same- and also taking ownership of their own actions. While I know most people are very reactive and may not respond or melt with your disarming technique of giving first (and sometimes you may not feel that strong enough in yourself to approach the situation)- it is still beneficial to have that convo in your head to heal the charge or at least make you feel somewhat better about it in real life wen you do encounter this person or have to talk to them. Just remember that they were hurt or having their own pains in life and made the mistake of reacting or acting out towards you. You can own your pain but also know theirs is similar and you will feel somewhat better and more forgiving. Most people just don't know anybetter.
Theres also lots of really cool NVC ( non violent communication) info online thats really awesome and powerful stuff so that you will always feel in your power around hurtful or reactive people and it allows you to heal faster and help others to do the same. Really powerful and mind blowing stuff! We are all here to grow so you made some great steps in reaching out here on this community!
answered 19 Nov '12, 10:04
Kanda, with my person it wasn't so easy. They have emotional problems they aren't addressing, so discussing things has not worked in the past. This time it had to be quick,gentle and direct. I wish we could talk, however we are in different dimensions of understanding at this point in time.This way it's harder for me to get closure since I would rather discuss it through.
(19 Nov '12, 10:18) clearheart
More often when we care about someone and develop emotional bonds with a person who is on a different tangent altogether , we do end up feeling hurt, left out, used and taken for granted when they decide to leave/ change. You may never know why they had to play around with your emotions, but then you have no control over them, their actions and their emotional detachments.
I feel the way you can deal with it is to set your own expectations in your own way and ensure that you have positive thoughts and people surround you. Such lessons in life can be very hurting, but then as you grow with years and learn to let go, you tend to become more tolerant towards people, incidents and all that which tend to affect your peace of mind. I read somewhere that the Perfect maturity is when a person hurts you, and you try to understand their situation and dont hurt them back.
I had written a couple of articles on my blog in this regard of relationships.check it out if ok. http://www.maddeningsilences.blogspot.in/2012/11/few-more-thoughts.html
answered 04 Jan '13, 08:51
Check these links:
answered 05 Jan '13, 12:24
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Anxious to read the answers to your question as I underwent something similar couple of years ago.
Somehow, you and only you have to change the direction of your thoughts. Turn the other cheek, focus on wanted not on unwanted. The hard truth is that self-pity keeps you in a state of depression. Your thoughts and beliefs got you there and they will get you out of there. Do the mental work and break free. Do it now, it won't take long, but you must start. You'll find the strength you need, SURE :-)
Thanks Eddie.. I am sure I will get over this and may be, we will become friends for real some day.. :)
I loved this entire thread and this was my point of attraction to this forum. I apprecate all the answers and questions and open minds here. Thankyou
@clearheart, the answers box should only be used to provide answers to the original question and is not intended for making comments. If you wish to make a comment on an existing answer, please click on the "Add New Comment" link available under each answer. Thanks. I'm converting your "answer" into a comment under the main question.
Thankyou Barry, I understand now about comments and answers.