Since youth friends, family, and everyone in between has always been intimidated by my words or judgement, even in situations where I wouldn't normally make judgements.
An early girlfriend told me the reason she lied to me is because she was afraid of disappointing me. In my youth at the time I disregarded this, but as I grew I came to realize that while everyone's actions are their own there was huge amounts of truth in what she said. This was repeatedly verified by later girlfriends verbatim, as well as my observations of interactions I've had with everyone my whole life.
As a consequence I rarely complain to people about my issues with situations, because their immediate response is almost always strongly defensive, either rejecting what I'm saying (even if I am directly repeating their exact words back to them) or lashing out at me.
I've always been someone who told people if they're honest with me about something they believe would upset me, I may initially have a less than ideal response, but I would get over it and take it worlds better than if they tried to hide it from me. Of course this meant people lying to me became an extremely common behavior, and for whatever reason these things always end up coming back to me. Strangers, friends of friends, others are always approaching me and telling me about the things others are trying to hide from me. I like that the truth always seems to come around to me, but I'd much prefer if I could reduce my intimidation factor so people aren't afraid to simply tell me themselves.
Any thoughts, comments, experiences, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
asked 07 May '13, 14:57
You could ask yourself what would be your reaction if your friends were honest. Play out in your mind one of the scenarios where a friend lied to you. Watch your reaction to the truth, observe your words and actions and feelings about it. Observe your friend's reaction to your reacion. Also, start observing your reaction to your friends and to others in real interactions. Maybe your natural response seems to others to be harsh, judgemental, abrasive, sarcastic or otherwise hurtful.
According to Gregg Braden, some reflections are of things we judge.
answered 08 May '13, 10:08
I believe there are multiple explanations for this, but mainly:
People lie to those who are not good listeners. For example, many women complain that when they confide in their husbands, they are always trying to fix the problem in their own way rather than lend support and listen. Often, people just want someone to listen and be supportive or empathetic. They are not looking for answers or action. With those who refuse to do this, they will resort to covering things up or lying, in order to evade the drama completely for a time. So be a good listener if you would like others to confide in you and be honest with you.
Many people gloss over the truth because they themselves are unable to face it head on. And more importantly, they do not want the consequences. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their own deficiencies. Your only defense against people like this is to not associate with them to begin with.
This is an interesting subject and I am glad you brought it up. I will be anxious to see what others say about it, since I would like to learn more than just the few things I have observed over the years on my own.
answered 07 May '13, 16:31
Another way of looking at this question is "how" to intimidate people ... intimidation implies the presence or operation of a fear inspiring force ... and we feel afraid when in presence of a strong force that violates principles of justice or fairness. In short people feel they're being unfairly treated, they feel they're being bullied.
Here is a link on how to intimidate people that will most certainly shine some light on the subject
answered 08 May '13, 03:33
From you question, you acknowledge that the answer will lie with you and that is a fantastic place to start. Finding themselves with this insight, i.e. people lie to me, many people would be looking to find ways of making other people change to make themselves more comfortable.
Firstly, you could ask someone maybe on the edges of your social circle, not invested in their relationship with you - somebody you consider to be wise/insightful. If you are in college then a tutor is often in a position to observe your interactions with others but isn't invested in them.
The other method I would recommend is to get a natal birth chart reading from a good astrologer. You need your date of birth, time of birth and place of birth. The natal birth chart gives you a ton of information about yourself that would take years for a psychologist to uncover. You appear to be a natural inward quester Snow so this would be highly interesting for you anyway.
Most people assume that astrology is about predicting the future but personally I feel its prime value is to give you a good overall character and personality assessment - a snapshot of how others might see you. It tells you a great deal about your ways of communicating and interacting with others. It tells you what you consider to be important, what your areas of weakness are. It can even tell you about your karma - good and bad - and what you have to work on in this life. Much of our "stuff" is unconscious and therefore hidden from us. Our strengths are often also hidden from us too so bringing those out into the light can give us some solutions.
In this particular instance it would be useful for you to know whether your standards for honesty are at the top of the scale. It is easy for us to assume that everyone shares our standard for truth telling but a quick observation of those around us will show us that what one considers an unacceptable lie, another considers to be tact.
If a session with an astrologer is out of the question then even just a $10 report from one of the astrology on line sites would give you some valuable information. The computer doesn't have the finesse of an actual astrologer but is a great starting place for anyone on an inward quest. If that is out of the question then many sites offer a free birth chart, giving loads of valuable information.
I very much doubt whether this is the answer you were expecting when you wrote this question. In short, the answer lies inside yourself but you need to go outside yourself to get some insights first.
answered 08 May '13, 03:49
@snow Do you think you can intimidate me, do you think you can make me afraid, do you think you need to judge me?
I am not the one that will judge you, the words that I speak are the ones that will judge you on the last day, will also say to you if you truly know people around you, you all ready know why they do this.
Do not let this bother you and your inner peace. solve those division in you find the truth, be merciful with others as they should be with you.
Let there be light, be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.
@Snow- I have always been intelligent, and refused to "dumb-down" myself for those who were around me. I used a four-dollar word when a simple word would have sufficed. Boys especially, and later, men, found me intimidating. I refused to be another "dumb blonde". It cost me a lot, and showed my lack of humility. What I thought of "dumbing-down" was really just not understanding that there were people I was going to encounter who actually did not understand my vocabulary.
I was also a very poor listener. I was never content to sit back and just listen to people. I had to learn (sometimes by getting my feelings hurt) that people needed sometimes just to vent, and did not require any real assistance from me other than my forbearance and understanding.
So eventually, I would get lied to or was treated badly due to my lack of humility. I believe humbleness is a hard trait to acquire when one is highly intelligent. I confused humbleness with acting stupid to please people. I often scared people with information and big words.
The root of this was my own insecurity. I actually, deep inside, did not feel intelligent or worthy. So I put on a show for others, and they knew it. Perhaps you need to work on your own insecurity as I did. It really helped me see what I was doing.
answered 24 Jun '13, 06:41
We've discussed intimidation elsewhere. I wanted to make a couple comments on the subject of lies. Something to ponder ~
"The one who lied and the one who believes it are both responsible for the result. So, instead of blaming him/her, just take a moment to reflect on where you fell short."
You said and I quote ~
I agree, honesty matters. Trust is hard to repair.
Why don't you think you deserve better? Forgiving is great but there is something to be said about that old adage "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Nothing destroys a relationship more than lack of trust.
Sounds like you felt like you weren't worth the truth. That feeling alone puts a huge dent in your self confidence. "You've got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em." You need to recognize your own value. Lies erode and destroy relationships.
Its been said that love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to. Relationships are about trust. Trust is the glue that holds relationships together.
... but Love and Trust are not the same. Love may be unconditional but trust isn't. Trust is about respect and that also includes self respect.
This answer is marked "community wiki".
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