I have discovered I am a sex addict.
I ploughed a little further and discovered and am also addicted to love/romance and being in relationships with girls.
No addictions are good, and before one feels inclined to give their wisdom that such a thing doesn't exist, yes, it does.
I have given up women, given up any style of sexual behaviour or activity or even thought, I am have even given up any requests to the universe to find love at this point in time. I have recognised that whilst I am a good person, I am just not fit for a relationship yet.
The past year I have devoted to living a singles bachelor lifestyle. I became unbelivebaly expert at it and enjoyed it. The issue was, after having sexual relations with some girls, I ended up coming home feeling even more lonely and empty inside. In fact, this weird emptiness became so strong one night that (I never thought I'd say this) I turned down sex from a very attractive woman.
Upon reflection, I saw what an addict I was. There was a part of me that knew it was unhealthy, self-destructive and a waste of energy. The other side wanted the validation from a girl, the thrill of the chase, the drug like effect from sex...Once I reflected on this I knew the way to happiness (because clearly even after achieivng my desire to get women, I see how unhappy I have become) is not through sex.
Now I have devoted to celibacy for at strictly 3 months. Afterwards I will see where I am as a person and go from there. I have dropped any subtle behaviour, lifestyle choice, friendship or contact that involves energy towards women for my own health.
I actually don't feel I'll ever be able to have a relationship again...I feel reverting to sex is a lower consciousness thing. It has caused me so much stress, pain and unfulfillment.
My question is: how can I give up this addiction, and has anybody ever gone celibate for periods like myself before?
asked 04 Jan '14, 06:10
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In my own experience, deep, persistent issues like this are sometimes tied to an even deeper issue that you are not even aware of.
Since you have been on IQ for a while, and seem pretty experienced with the various techniques and principles regarding vibration and manifestation, I am guessing that this might be so.
In my own case, there was a particular issue involving relationships that persisted for a very long time. I did a score of focus blocks, and several long, serious sessions with Manifesting Experiment #4 to address this issue during an extended period when it seemingly refused to go away. No matter how many techniques I applied, when certain triggering conditions in physical reality arose, I found myself reacting in the old, highly negative manner. It seemed as though I just could not make this issue, and my feelings about it, go away.
At one point it seemed to intensify, and I took a whole day to just sit alone by myself and think about it, with a few spreadsheets of ME-4 before me. Brainstorming any and every possible issue that the "mega" issue might be related to.
During this brainstorming session, an idea finally struck me like a bolt of lightning. I almost immediately intuitively realized that this lay at the heart of my recurrent negative reactions.
I had been searching for things that had to do with relationships, that had to do with how I felt about the other person, about how they felt about me, etc..
What the actual issue turned out to be, was an underlying sense of powerlessness.
After this realization, I began clearing that sense of powerlessness with EFT Youtube sessions, Faster EFT, focus blocks, etc... Finding ways every day to cultivate and reinforce a sense of feeling inherently powerful everywhere and in every situation.
I found that the formerly repetetive negative situations were reduced dramatically, and that they no longer provoked the emotional reactions in me that they had previously.
It may be a completely different issue for you, but hopefully this will give you some food for thought.
Because of this, I think your decision to abstain from relationships--at least for a time--is probably a healthy one.
I have known (heterosexual) monks that have spent a lifetime abstaining from sex and relationships, and I always sensed an underlying sense of regret and resistance that was never fully eradicated.
I think when this feeling of "I actually don't feel I'll ever be able to have a relationship again" disappears, and you feel that you can do whatever you desire to do and you'll be okay whatever the case, then your issue will be resolved.
I think the way to get to this state is to discover what really lies at the heart of it all. As I noted above, it is probably a deeper issue that may be (surprisingly) unrelated to love, sex, and relationships, aside from its ability to affect those issues.
Best of luck!
answered 04 Jan '14, 12:47
@nikulas it is not that sex is bad. but sex is not the only thing in life. sex can be very good. the problem is that you want love and a partner in your life someone that you can trust and share with and this is very hard to find in this world that concentrate only on the outside for desire, what can be gain? how do I look on the outside to praise my self and be superior to other? the simple fact that someone ask this question show where he is at. also this world is a world of consumer buy sell, I do not desire this any more I want the latest model buy, sell. and people run after time everything need to be fast and done with as soon as possible. speed dating? so people go fast do not take the time to know each other and make better decision and you see what happens. I would say go reflect on all this make better choice. find what you want and you do not want and make the proper choice.
answered 04 Jan '14, 06:33
Nikulas, if you've read my questions and answers over the years, you'll know that I, similarly to you, had a lot of problems with my love life and sex life. I really wanted to meet someone, but would end up with only casual flings and heartbreak. At some point I also decided I was a sex and love addict. I went to a SAA meeting but decided never to go to another one because I felt that it would only exacerbate my "problem" if I spent time around lots of other people who were also talking about their problem and making it out to be a huge and permanent issue (I am not saying it can't be a huge issue for someone, but from a Loa perspective we know that the solution cannot be found in the same vibration that you're in while focusing on the problem).
However, things have changed for me. Mostly, I think, because I started my own business doing something that I was passionate about. I was't really happy with my life before and I desperately wanted someone to help me find happiness, even if it was only for one night. Opening up my own business not only improved my self-esteem and self-confidence tenfold, it gave me something to live for. And what do you know, now I'm in a relationship with an awesome guy. but it's not the highlight of my life and if it doesn't work out, I'm cool with that because now I know I can genuinely enjoy being single, and I also know that my love life will just get better and better.
Everyone's path is different, and I can't tell you exactly what it is that you need in order to ameliorate your situation. I would however recommend getting into something which fills your life with passion, whether it's a hobby or anything else, because a lot of the time our longing for a significant other is also mixed up with a longing for thrill, excitement and passion - having something in your life that makes you grateful to be alive each day. So, I'd set the intention to find something like this.
And about the sex addict thing - it can be really helpful to realise that you are "addicted" to something. It's incredibly empowering to realise that you have been letting something control your life and finally say "no more". And to reach out to other people who have experienced the same thing, and trade tips on how to cope with it. And celibacy sounds like it could be a good option for you, especially if you also focus on finding other things to fill your life with, things that make you happy and joyful.
But from a spiritual perspective, there is a certain point when the addiction story ceases to be empowering, if you involve yourself too much with it. This is why I personally don't resonate with programs like AA, SAA and NA. There is too much focus on the problem. Like it's this huge thing we can never heal from. Sure it can be helpful for some people, but from a spiritual perspective, I feel that addictions is often a symptom of a deeper problem. For me, it was mainly lack of self-confidence and self-love that was the root cause. For you, it may be something else.
To sum it up, I think your decision is great, but be wary of giving up too much of your power to the addiction narrative. Find things that make you joyful. Focus on cultivating profound self-love and self-respect. Good luck, you're a great person and you can do it :) :)
And as a sidenote - if I remember reading correctly, you are quite young, like in your early twenties or something? If I am right about that, then congrats on coming to these realisations so early in your life! My quarter-life crisis has probably been my greatest blessing, even though it was pure f** agony at the time.
answered 04 Jan '14, 12:37
Whatever name you may give, love/attachment means giving others the power over you, becoming a slave to others. Everything in this world is changing (1 John 2:15-17) Everything is transient. Those who are attached to the transient are bound to suffer. Hence you do well to reestablish your rightful sovereignty over your own self. Prioritize your affairs! As someone said: "The world is like a bridge for you to pass, not to construct a house on it."
answered 06 Jan '14, 01:41
T D Joseph
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I see this ? is closed cause you haven't fixed the title yet. You should cause there are some good answers there & you may get even more valuable insights. You may not have the same issue any longer; but I recall at least 1 other user expressing views similar to yours. You may want to go back & re visit & read the answers again.
You told us numerous times you never wanted to be a male strumpet. Many times you said you were searching for your one & only. Some guys are NOT into meaningless sex. You're looking for love ... Just remember there are many forms of love.. One night stands are NOT for you. Many ppl enjoy meaningful sex with someone they care about whether or not it leads to marriage. Don't be so hard on yourself..
yes @ele, all people run to realms of spirituality to escape the pain of reality. Oh wait, you didn't say that. Must be the wine. =D
I did that too, unhappy in life, trying to escape, find many teachers many ways, try them out. Spirituality is the same ho changing dresses with each new 'teacher' or a 'way' she presents.
Sex is lower consciousness, oh please. There's only this awkward moment when you're done and want to kick the other person out, cause you wanna have the bed for yourself...
...as for one night stands go. That's why I don't do them anymore, the added awkwardness is just not worth my time. It's like going out with a friend, so he doesn't have to go alone, even though you don't really want to go anywhere. It's stupid, terrible investment of time.
I've been in Celibate for years now. If you don't count the "I do it myself" =D..but w/e can't go out with someone I don't love. Now, you could love just about anyone, it's a silly delusional emotional bond you talk...
...yourself into anyway. That's the fascinating thing about love. The thoughts in your head trigger condition of delusion. =D Mind is a really powerful instrument.
But for god's sake, don't look for answers on how to live in reality in spiritual realms. They're not there. You can have whatever you want...go and get it. Use the spirituality to see 'behind the scenes' of reality and abuse the knowledge to have your way. We're all equal, good or bad.Now universe, gimme money, drugs, hos to love.