How do I tackle spiritually my mom calling my daughter names like "stupid", "useless", etc without blowing my top. I try not to blow my top but then I really do not like the name calling and I do not want to resort to making a fun game out of encouraging my daughter to call my mom names too as I want the act of name calling to stop with her.

I tried to ignore the name calling and have talked to my mom softly about stopping it but ignoring does nothing but to fan the inner fire which will eventually blow up in a heated shouting argument.

A little bit of background behind this, as I was growing up my mom constantly called me names like "Terminator", "mongoloid" and others which still smarts until today. I really did not like this and have tried throughout the years to change my mom's habit of dropping names for everyone that she meets. It used to be funny when I was younger but then as the years passed and the more spiritually enlightened I became I realized exactly how damaging these name calling can be.

Please help as the relationship with my mom is just getting from bad to worse.

asked 17 Mar '14, 05:40

lowks's gravatar image


edited 17 Mar '14, 12:11

Grace's gravatar image


Is the daughter you speak of the one you are holding in your picture? If so is that an old picture or is that the age she is now?

If that is the daughter and not an older daughter in her 20's or more, and that is a recent picture then how your mother could call a little girl like that worthless and useless boggles the mind! It is bad enough when someone in her 20's gets put down, but saying that to a little girl, oh what a sin that is!

(19 Mar '14, 13:38) Wade Casaldi

Firmly look her in the eyes and say STOP IT! If your mother was taking a razor to your child and cut them what would you say? STOP IT! . This is what your Mother is doing.

alt text
You are an adult now. You have a responsibly to protect your children. Every time she calls your child stupid she is taking a razor to the child's skin and drawing blood.
Your Mother has problems and those should not go over your family I'm sure your mate is also uncomfortable with her too.
Unite with your mate for strength and stability. If there is something harmful in your child's environment you REMOVE IT.This is your life now and your mother needs to know the rules of your house.
Look her in the eyes and say this is not acceptable. Period.
I believe you create your own reality. If this was my reality I would do what ever it takes to remove my child from harm.
Sometimes we need to accept the fact that our parents are not the best role models and form our own image of what good parenting is.


answered 17 Mar '14, 11:50

ursixx's gravatar image



Yes. Wish I could vote this up ten times.

(17 Mar '14, 12:06) Grace

Thanks @Grace the question kinda hit a soft spot.

(17 Mar '14, 15:34) ursixx

You are right ursixx my mate is very concerned / uncomfortable about the whole situation, about the removal, it can be a tad tricky as my daughter and my mom spend a lot of time together in the house. Now, she has grown to ignore her grandmother.

(20 Mar '14, 04:24) lowks

@lowks I understand your situation. You should talk with Mother adult to adult not son to mother. Explain your concerns . And to quote the Quran 49.11 "O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] person; perhaps they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule [other] women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames."

(20 Mar '14, 09:07) ursixx

Your answer is great but I just have to say that as a former self-harmer, that picture jumped out to me as possibly quite triggering - not to me, but there may be other people browsing on IQ who also self-harm or used to self-harm, and the pic could be quite upsetting... I know that a few years ago it could have triggered me big-time. Possibly consider editing it out?

(21 Mar '14, 15:28) cassiopeia

@cassiopeia Sure ! Thanks for the input. I think @lowks got the message. Was not aware of such implications. As soon as I get near my pc tomorrow I will.

(21 Mar '14, 19:56) ursixx

Cool, no probs :)

(22 Mar '14, 00:19) cassiopeia

@ursixx- I, for one, was a self-harmer- and a large part of it was from not just the "terrible"abuse, but the drip-drip-drip of daily name-calling. I do not think you should edit the picture because, just maybe, this is exactly what needs to be seen in order for these people to really act on the abuse. The picture did not trigger me- it made me mad for this poor girl, and more determined than ever to emphasize that abuse is goes on in your head a long, long time. Jai ♥♥♥

(22 Mar '14, 02:41) Jaianniah

@Grace- I wish I could vote it up a thousand times...

(22 Mar '14, 02:42) Jaianniah

@cassiopeia What do you think about what @Jaianniah says?

(22 Mar '14, 04:25) ursixx

@ursixx and @cassiopeia The picture is of scars or scabs it brings feelings of compassion. Had the picture been of her arms with fresh cuts of blood everywhere that would be upsetting and disturbing. Love is the key. When we see this we just want to love and let this person know she is worthy.

(22 Mar '14, 12:08) Wade Casaldi

This may help you "By the law of reversibility, that all transformations of force are reversible, the energy or feeling awakened transforms itself into the state imagined. He never waits four months for the harvest, if in four months the harvest will awaken in him a state of joy, then , inversely, the joy of harvest now , will awaken the harvest now. " Neville Goddard..... Prayer The Art of Believing Feel your mother as the lovely person you want her to be,say nothing , just feel it into being

(25 Mar '14, 20:51) Starlight

@Jaianniah ad @ursixx - Maybe it's because her scabs are in the same location that I used to cut myself, but looking at that picture brings back memories of the feeling of doing it. Were I still a self-harmer, it's possible that I would feel a longing for that feeling. Up to you ursixx, I don't mind if you keep it or delete it, just wanted to let you know how it could possibly affect people.

(28 Mar '14, 09:06) cassiopeia
showing 2 of 13 show 11 more comments

This is a simple one. Simply say to your mother "Calling my daughter names is abusive, and if you don't stop that behavior, you won't see my daughter anymore."

Then, follow through. Either she stops, and everything is fine, or she doesn't stop, and you remove your daughter from the abusive situation.

That is all.


answered 20 Mar '14, 16:07

Vesuvius's gravatar image


edited 20 Mar '14, 16:08

@Vesuvius this is the truth seen by him, what about is mother is she so blind that she does not see what she does? Your brothers and your mother are standing outside."

He said to them, "Those here who do what my Father wants are my brothers and my mother. They are the ones who will enter my Father's kingdom." Do not be surprise if she does not want to see the problem and see it as attack on her person and as is son making a divide in the family. yet he needs to make is choice.

(20 Mar '14, 19:36) white tiger

@Vesuvius- You hit the nail square on the head. As parents, allowing our kids to be abused and to do nothing about it, no matter what age, teaches them that that abuse is acceptable. This abuse is NOT acceptable on any level. I wish I could give you a zillion points, too.

(22 Mar '14, 02:47) Jaianniah

An important part of working in harmony with your environment is to accept what is happening in the present now moment even if it seems contradictory to how you would like it to be. By accepting what is happening now you begin to transform it into something more pleasurable, by rejecting and resisting it you are feeding the very situation that you would like to avoid and are reinforcing it.

Remember that you always have the power to voluntarily change your focus, change your feelings, change your heart. As already explained focusing on the negative reinforces it, conversely by focusing on the positive, negativity is automatically banished from your reality, there are only two types of emotions, positive and negative and they are mutually exclusive. You cannot be positive and negative at the same time, you can however perceive both the negative and positive aspects when you are in the center of your being.

Whenever you feel yourself being drawn into a negative situation, recenter your thoughts on things that you enjoy, on things that you love, on the emotion that deep down your mother loves you. accept the fact that sometimes your mother has a negative attitude, but also know that your new positive state of being will rub off onto her and you will find that her negativity will diminish. Promise yourself that you can do it, any anger that may occasionally arise within you is intensity of emotion, use the intensity of that energy for constructive, loving purposes. Have faith in your own capacities to deal with the situation

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answered 17 Mar '14, 07:35

jaz's gravatar image


edited 17 Mar '14, 07:51

Hi, I am certain that you will be able to solve this issue with your mother. Begin by giving yourself a pat on the back. You will understand why in a moment. It is partly due to the fact that you put out a request for assistance. Consciously or not, you recognize the tactical advantage you can gain when you anchor yourself to an objective position. This is the first and really one of the most important things to do in this and any future circumstances of a similar nature. Stepping outside of yourself allows you to see the entire dynamic taking place. We can now "study" the three players involved. The best outcome is the one that benefits all parties involved. Understand that from the perspective of spirit, both you and your daughter may be more advanced souls than the soul that is your mother. Based on your description. She is not as mature. First, we need to see what your subconscious might have revealed in your post in the way of belief, personalities. Etc. What follows is a cut and paste rearranging of your post.

About Mom:

Mom calling my daughter. Mom calling my daughter" useless". Mom constantly called me names like "Terminator", "mongoloid". Mom's habit of dropping names for everyone that she meets. The relationship with my mom is just getting from bad to worse.

About You:

My mom constantly called me names. It used to be funny. I do not want to make a fun game out of name-calling. The hurt I felt then still affects me even now. (Rephrased.) I really did not like this. I really do not like the name-calling. I want the act of name calling to stop. I became more spiritually enlightened.. I realized how damaging name-calling could be. I have talked to my mom softly about stopping it. I have tried throughout the years to change my mom Ignoring her does not work. It only leads to a heated shouting argument. I try not to blow my top. How do I "tackle" my mom without blowing my top?

About Daughter: ?????????????????

What can you, the objective observer learn from this.

  1. Clearly, this issue has more to do with the harm your mother may have caused you. Once you have address the real issue, your daughter will receive the healing by proxy from you. I suspect that there is a much bigger issue at stake. In short, the real victory may be one of you being able to get through this while remaining fully in control of your emotions. Regardless of whether or not she stops. There are two indicators of this. One is the lack of any references to your daughter and her thoughts about all this. The second is summed up in the big question "How do I tackle this issue without blowing up? Again, I can only speculate from what I see. Is anger an issue else ware. That would not lessen the name-calling problem, No doubt, your mom has some issues of her own and you can take steps to protect your daughter. In addition, reveal your own pain as well Rather than put you to sleep with all this now, give this all some thought and let me know. That would help to determine the next step.

answered 17 Mar '14, 09:56

i4cim2b's gravatar image


edited 17 Mar '14, 10:10


@i4cim2b If you look at the Gravatar picture it seems that @lowks daughter is a small child,("lack of any references to your daughter and her thoughts about all this.")so verbal expression of her feelings might be limited... just a thought

(17 Mar '14, 11:27) ursixx

Thank you. Yes I did check that out.

(17 Mar '14, 16:42) i4cim2b

@i4cim2b BTW great answer! I hope the questioner comes back and reads this and responds

(19 Mar '14, 02:10) ursixx

Thank you, I'm just hoping that the combined energies of all our responses will enable him to find enough love in his heart both to protect his daughter and at the same time forgive his mother.

(19 Mar '14, 12:58) i4cim2b

Thank you for this great answer! Did not see it that way at first. I guess my issues here lies with the hurt that is still there plus the fear I have about it leaving some kind of scar or something that my young child has to work through in her adult life.

(20 Mar '14, 04:21) lowks

@i4cim2b yes forgiveness!

(20 Mar '14, 09:08) ursixx
showing 2 of 6 show 4 more comments

Wow, sounds like your mother has a few heavy insecurities she needs to work on. Calling her offspring harsh names, after it has been expressed that it is unwanted, is deep.

Such a lack of details, on my part, can give a somewhat immature answer. So I will answer based on what I construct in my head, and from what it may be totally off key, hopefully it will be useful on some level.

I can give you a physical based answer which I personally would adheed to- don't see her again. And if you're more concerned with your daughter being called names (though not sure how old she is), communicate, if she is perhaps over 18, that it's her choice whether she wants to see grandma or not.

Initially I just see she has a lack of respect for her children.

Or...does this name calling bother your daughter, or does it just bother you?

And why does the name calling bother you? Ask yourself what specific names make you tick, and explore those issues that come up.

If you're finding it hard to lighten up about an issue or subject, it is a good indicator that it points to other, perhaps even unrelated insecurities.

IF you feel comfortable and have enough courage to share more details, I can give a sharper answer.

Spiritually spekaing (and this is generalised so wont do much satisfaction), everything is designed to just shape your up to become a better, more established character.

My motto, "I am awesome, have always been awesome, and I am just on the fun journey to becoming even more awesome."


answered 17 Mar '14, 10:25

Nikulas's gravatar image


My answer is best for a daughter in her teens or more. I now believe your daughter is too young to apply this answer unfortunately. In this case stand up for her like Ursixx answer.

Now for my answer about removing power from negative words.

We need think of an Aikido way to win the fight without fighting.

She has such hate for your daughter. We are commanded not to murder and that doesn't mean just physically but spiritually and emotionally and mentally. This is why Jesus said weary the one that says to his brothers or sisters the phrase, "You are a fool!" is in danger of hell.

Hurtful phrases murder that person, because those phrases become believed by that person. They believe they are good for nothing thus never try and may one day lead to actual suicide.

The answer just came, positive uplifting is value. It is life, negative putting down is devaluing and death.

So negative holds no value, it is worthless words and thoughts, worse it is killing words and thoughts.

Whenever you or she hears those words say to your selves or out loud, "worthless words and worthless thoughts have no effect or meaning because they are negative they have no power or authority and are meaningless chatter. I am above this dribble, these words fall flat on the floor. Only positive words have value and influence me, all negative are just junk words." To make it short you could imagine her words falling on the floor and say, "junk words." In other words she attacks you with a sword and you changed the sword into a sword shaped limp noodle. Give her worthless words no value, you accept only positive and you prosper.


answered 17 Mar '14, 12:43

Wade%20Casaldi's gravatar image

Wade Casaldi

edited 20 Mar '14, 12:06

Well if someone call other names they probably have some unsolved issue. they would probably not like to be called name them self. Even if you tell them often they will not accept it. Every one make error in this world. Who is with out sin to cast the first stone? Love each other as your self. If you are not able to properly love your self how can you love someone else properly? You see she might be blind to this but you are not. Yet she might not accept it if you tell her. Many in this world are blind and justify things that are not acceptable. if a blind leads a blind both will fall in to a pit. Try to help people if you can if you cannot and they reject you it is their choice.

Do not let your heart be trouble. speak the truth from a good heart. Justice mercy and good faith. If you all ready know that she will not accept it and she made her choice and seek confrontation. do not seek confrontation as she is and make your own choice for your self and your family. Even if she see a speak of dust in your eyes if she does not take out the beam in her own eye she cannot help you over come what she did not overcome of her own yet. In this world many seek to be the first and will be the last, and there is some last that will be first do not be surprise at this. Many cannot accept the truth and correct their own error, and will blame other and blaspheme other, they will make inconsiderate choice and seek division. And reject and hate other. And to the same measure it will be applied to them. Use the time imparted to you wisely and make good choice. Let there be among you a person of understanding.

Let there be light, be the light that you can be. experience and enjoy.


answered 17 Mar '14, 12:40

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

edited 17 Mar '14, 13:56

No matter what your daughter's age you can begin an ongoing conversation with her - your own version of course - that goes something like this: Have you noticed that Grandma often makes mean comments or calls us names? She has always done that - to me too when I was a child. I don't really know why she does that, but I do know how bad it can hurt. Here's somethings we can both do that will help make it not hurt so much. First we can both remind ourselves all the time how smart, worthy, loving we are, so that when she says other things we know that they are not true. Second, we can remind each other to (neutrally) tell Grandma that we don't like those words and that they are not true. (It may be easier for your child to be neutral with Grandma about this because you have so much built up hurt around it.)

Keep checking in over time with your daughter to find out how she is doing with being called names, and as you do your own work to heal your wounds around this you can share with your daughter your 'wins' like times your mom says something derogatory and you don't feel hurt by it.

This way you become a team, with your daughter in facing a challenge that is actually pretty common in humans (unfortunately).

The less charge you hold about the words your mom uses, the less charge will build up in your children.


answered 03 Dec '15, 15:05

imaginesue's gravatar image


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