I can feel sadness battling with feelings of appreciation and lightheartedness for supremacy inside me. Its a familiar feeling, but I don't understand it.
Sadness is something I don't want. I'm very clear on that. So why does it seem to me right now that if I would just give in to it, it would be such a relief? I want to crawl into a hole and pull the hole in after me. But what the hell good would that do? I'm absolutely determined to enjoy my life. It's mine, and I'm not going to give it up.
Spending time on this site, I am starting to see that I have been on auto-pilot for many years, not being myself, just doing what had to be done to raise my son. I have read many of the books people mention here, years and years ago. But I forgot. Forgot it all 'til recently. Now, I'm willing to peek at who I am again, but I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff... I've lost all that peace and happiness. I'm slipping. Slipping fast. I can't concentrate at work. I'm holding back humiliating tears all day.
This makes no sense to me. I'm hoping it does to someone here. I've been reading here about all hell breaking loose when you make progress, but I'm not understanding it. I'm also getting really mad because I feel like I'm throwing away all of the work I've done toward manifesting a relationship I wanted so badly. Is all that gone now? Have I lost everything? I was having these wonderful vibrational matches regularly. I was truly feeling so happy, and sharing it with and trying to encourage whomever I could. Now, how can I possibly be missing something/one I never had? But I am. I know I'm going to regret this rant, but I don't know where else to turn. Who else could talk to me about missing an unmanifested manifestation?
Now I feel like if I hadn't tried, I wouldn't have lost anything, and I'd have been better off.
Cheer up, Grace, you're just going through a time of change as you become more deliberate about the thoughts you are thinking.
You haven't "wasted" any work. Indeed, the fact that you are now unhappy demonstrates that You are now a different person (because you've changed) and are ready for a different life.
This time of "transition" happens to everyone when they first get involved in these kinds of subjects - I remember I had a very bumpy ride myself - but I've never met anyone who, in the long-term, regretted any of the changes that came about as a result...quite the opposite, in fact.
Let me try and explain why things are not as bleak as they may appear to you right now. But it might not be an explanation you will want to hear when you are feeling bad. Only during those times when you are feeling better, it might console you that what you are going through is just a natural process of "re-awakening" to who you really are.
So I suggest you ignore this message until you are feeling better and only then try and understand some of the concepts behind what it is going on.
Having someone present "logical theory" to you when you feel in need of emotional comfort only makes you want to punch them in the face :)
There's a couple of other answers to read first to lay the background to the following explanations:
If you've now read and understood the ideas in those answers (and the answers they link to), you should easily be able to grasp the following answers to your questions.
In the analogy of the battered old cars, when you make "progress" in your life you are now driving your battered old car a lot faster so the ride becomes more and more bumpy because you may be reaching the limits of what it can handle.
Until you get a new car delivered ("install new beliefs"), that's just how it is going to be for a while.
You haven't thrown away anything because it's impossible to throw anything away.
Step 1 (launching of new desire) is a natural process that happens without your involvement. During Step 1, you created your relationship perfectly.
All the "work" you've been doing has been Step 3 (allowing) work only. The "work" you have been doing has not been about creating your relationship, because that's already created, it has been about coming into alignment with what you have already created.
Something that has once been created can never be un-created...the most you can do is forget where you put it :)
When you are feeling good, you "remember" where it is again :)
It doesn't mean you now have a longer distance to travel to get back to where you were before you started feeling bad because... there was never any distance to travel ...the idea of us having to do any vibrational work at all is just a game we play with our mental selves... it's basically a way to trick that aspect of ourself into giving us a faster car (as in the battered car analogy).
You can just forget completely about what's missing from your life, just find ways to get happy and it will work out the same (if not better) as doing all that "work" you did.
This is because when you are "giving in" to sadness you are effectively slowing down your battered old car again. This will give you short-term comfort because you are no longer driving beyond the limits of the car.
However, you now know that driving faster is possible and you know it feels great to drive fast so you won't be satisfied with driving slowly again because you realize (at some level) that driving faster is what you really want.
That's why once you have a desire and get a taste of it, you can never go back to your previous state of "innocence".
People who tell you to squelch your desires to feel better don't understand this idea. Yes, driving slowly (squelching your desires) feels better in the short-term because it alleviates the pain of driving fast in a battered old car but it never brings true fulfilment in life because we were all born to drive fast :)
Actually, even if you hadn't tried you would still be in the same situation emotionally because the desire had been launched... though perhaps you might have avoided the horrible fate of the likes of us at IQ preaching to you that everything is still okay :)
The metaphysical way of looking at this is that Step 1 (the natural launching of desire) has caused your "Inner Being" to permanently expand and now to regain your alignment to it (as viewed from your physical perspective), you must now also expand. Going back to how you originally were is simply going to leave you now out-of-alignment when previously it might have felt aligned.
The natural launching of Desire always leads to a one-way trip ...and that's how you wanted it to be from your higher perspective...eternal, joyful expansion.
All of that theory above is probably fair enough but the big unasked question is...
What do you do about your situation right now?
To understand an appropriate course of action, it can be helpful to refer to some weighing scales...
At times of stability in our lives (even bad-feeling stability), the "scales" of our life are actually out of balance. One side or the other is dominant and weighs down the scales. It is that heavy weight on one side that provides the stability.
As we come to a time of change in our lives, we now have two opposing forces which cause the scales to come to a delicate balancing point. But the thing about the balancing point is that the slightest touch can cause the scales to oscillate dramatically from one side to the other.
You must have seen this happen many times when playing around with anything that is delicately balanced.
That's where you are right now ...it's a point of balanced instability.
There is a change coming but your vibrational setpoint is still oscillating between the "old" and "new" sides of the scale. But there will come a day when suddenly, perhaps without any warning, the scale will tip right over onto the new side and you'll find stability on that new side.
So what can you do right now?
Really, I don't know if there's an easy answer. It's about accepting that, for a while, you're not going to feel comfortable with your new driving speed (in that battered old car of old beliefs) but eventually your new car will be delivered (new allowing beliefs will become habitual) and then your life will settle down again at a more joyous level.
Until that happens, if you can, keep trying to find ways to keep yourself in good-feeling places. Even take your mind off what you want (the relationship) for a while and trust that changes are happening in your reality that you may not be aware of yet.
It's really about finding ways to keep yourself in the present moment because being in the present moment gives you direct access to your Inner Being's viewpoint and comprehending that viewpoint will bring you inner peace because you'll understand at a deeper level within yourself that everything is just fine.
As I said at the start, one person presenting a logical explanation - like the one above - to someone feeling emotional distress just makes that upset person want to punch them in the face :)
I have two things to say to that, if that's what you are now feeling:
Stingray's wonderful answer is spot on. Your spiritual awakening is like trying to drive a battered old car too fast.
Your default belief system may be that you would like to believe that you can create your world, your destiny, your happiness. You see others that are doing this, but it is hard for you to believe that you can also create a happy world for yourself. So you are trying to push that old belief system beyond its limitations. That can give you a bumpy ride!!
Part of you may say, "I can create happiness." but another part may say, "Who in the hell are you kidding?" Maybe THEY can do it. Maybe THEY are kidding themselves and living on false hope." But whatever, the overwhelming evidence in the World Of @Grace says YOU can't do it, so shut down, crawl in a hole and have a pity party.
And then every door you open seems to open into despair. I submit that you are looking at the World with crap-colored glasses.
I freely admit that I sometimes feel like this. My answer, for myself, is to find something beautiful. Something! Anything! Look at, or smell, or taste, or feel, hear, something beautiful. And as you find this, stay in the present with it! Don't anal-lyze it, FEEL it.
For me it often happens in heavy traffic. Perhaps this is why Stingray's car analogy is so powerful to me. I am teaching myself to feel triggers. Mine is when my solar plexus begins to tighten, I am reaching for my crap-colored glasses! My World begins to take on a crap-colored tinge.
I feel the crunch coming. I stop, take several very deep breaths while looking for some small Beauty and I expand that Beauty. The traffic light has a scintillating brilliant emerald green. If my crap-colored glasses are on, I can think, "Yeah, it is green and I could go through it, but someone coming the other could run the light and hit me."
However if I stay in the Present, the green brilliance grows, I see the red tail lights, bright red because the car in front of me has their brakes on, go to a softer red and the car in front of me moves forward. While staying aware of the road conditions, I expand the emerald light, the soft red tail lights into the beautiful color of the sky, the happy people around me, a gentle breeze, some sweet smell.
Not only do I feel much better, but the traffic disappears and I am effortlessly driving. I know that I would otherwise be stuck in the miserable traffic jam that I created.
I do not yet have the ability to look at the traffic and wish it gone, but I can open a corner on Beauty and as I do this, often enough, my belief systems change and I experience more open roads.
You did not create your belief systems overnight. You may not be able to quickly re-imprint new belief systems, but you can begin to incrementally shift them into more powerful designs.
I don't think that I can do this with my conscious mind, on my own. But by connecting with Source through a conscious focus on Beauty, I can introduce personal change in partnership with my Source and inner processes. Then this happiness happens automatically.
Just open that little corner on Beauty, stay in the Present, find more Beauty, and more. Your world will shift on pleasant directions. It HAS to. It is the Law! The constant immutable LAW!
The most difficult part of deliberate manifestation is the release part. The Bible calls it faith. Some people call it allowing. It is like tying a string to your arrow incase you miss, you can pull it back and try again. If you really let it go and release it in faith, you don't need a string incase you miss. You don't even watch as the arrow moves toward the target. You release the arrow and then walk away expecting that you will know when the arrow hits the target.
So how do you let go? I have found that Two Hands Touching works wonders at releasing thoughts. It works really well after a possitive affirmation instead of repeating the affirmation over and over and over. So say outloud a possitive statement that suits your situation. For example you could say one from Florence Scovel Shinn, "When you send out real love, real love will return to you, either from this man or his equivalent, for if this man is not the divine selection, you will not want him. As you are one with God, you are one with the love which belongs to you by divine right." Change it to suit your situation. Change the word, "you" to "I/me" stuff like that. Then do Two Hands Touching.
answered 20 Jun '12, 10:01
sadness is usually personal
when where or what
yet selfish centeredness
what was it that i wished for
answered 20 Jun '12, 21:45
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