It all began when I was dating this guy, we will call him bf#1, and we dated for about 6 years. We worked closely together and one day he had a very close friend come work with us. I don't know what it was about this close friend that attracted me so deeply. It could have been his personality, his laugh, I never thought I'd be physically attracted to him, but I was at that time.
What ended up happening is I started dreaming about him uncontrollably. We will refer to the guy I couldn't stop dreaming about as "dream guy". So the dreams werent even really sexual, but more about us coming together as a couple.. Long story short, one very drunken night, I could have had the opportunity to "hook up" with "dream guy". I was **, that's not what I wanted, my feelings were deeper than a hookup, and I feel like he knew that. I feel like we were on the exact same wave and he just didn't know how to handle it, and I didn't either. To make matter worse, I was still in a relationship with his best friend, bf#1. I went back to my boyfriend that night and told him that his best friend made a pass on me. He was floored and they became a little distant after that.
"Dream guy" of course became a little distant from me too, go figure. I ended up leaving that job a year or so later and breaking up with bf#1 of 6 yrs. I had an intention of somehow reconnecting with "dream guy" after my ex was totally out of my life, but then I met someone. Bf#2, I had known for many years prior to dating. We were quickly living together, mainly because I was thrown out of my house, things happened a little too fast and we ended up dating for 5 years.. During those 5 years, I began again, to dream of this guy in the same type of way. It drove me crazy because at this point I didn't understand it at all, he had gained quite a bit of weight and I didn't see him in a very attractive light. The "dream guy" also liked many things I don't like at all and could care less about. Why the hell couldn't I stop dreaming about him?
I ran into him a few different occasions and of course nothing came of it. I was trying to remain loyal while mysteriously dreaming about this guy non stop. I eventually forced myself to totally put him out of my mind and succeeded temporarily. My ability to put him out of my mind could have also been because he and this chick he began seeing got pregnant and ended up having a baby. Fast forward, I split up with bf#2 for 5 years, I went on a single spree. I had a lot of fun learning about myself during that time. At one point, I did reach out to the "dream guy" and we had talked about hanging out sometime. Reminder, this is shallow, but I was shaming myself because he had gained more weight and frankly looked like a lunatic with his facial hair. I kept asking myself why the hell would I even consider him, especially when his habits are not mine and he has a freeken kid, but was no longer with the mother.
Regardless, our plan to hang out never happened because I then met the love of my life bf#3. Bf#3 is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3<3<3, way way way better and different than I could have ever imagined. He loves me inside and out, is so incredibly caring, giving, funny, successful, smart, and much more. He would also make the most amazing father and I can truly see the rest of my life with him. I've grown so much since bf#1 and matured, bf#3 truly matches me. We also share lot of the same loves and passions. Here is the problem, I've been dating him for about a year, and all of the sudden, guess who's creeping back into my dream....I can't handle this. I've had dreams where I've had the opportunity to cheat on bf#3 and always had a huge NO sign/feeling/I love him/i would never do that to him/ I don't want to leave him period. Well "dream guy is back" and it's insane. In the latest dream, we were sitting in a car beside one another and I remember still being in a relationship with bf#3.
There was this strong wave of feeling between us. He then put his hand on my knee for a split second and removed it, I didn't react, almost as if I were approving, and about a minute later, he put his hand on my lower thigh by my knee and left it there. We were immediately together in that moment. I didn't feel remorse, I felt completely at peace, then I woke up. I was furious when I woke up too because I'm in a great relationship and don't want to ruin it. I had made plans a couple of months earlier to contact "Dream guy" about a reference I needed for work,...so that day, I texted him. He requested pretty quickly to call him instead of texting. My whole body began trembling, I was shaking like a leaf. The awkwardness was certainly there. I proceeded on talking business and said we should kick it sometime since I work around where he lives. That's all that's happened since then. I just need an opinions as to why I keep dreaming about this guy, especially if I am with someone I see a future with.
I used to think that I only dreamt about him as an omen that I wasn't supposed to be with that boyfriend. The feelings that are envoked from these dreams are so incredibly strong it's not even funny. I will note, that at one point in time, during the relationship with bf#1, I admitted to "dream guy" in s very secret 1 time conversation, that I had been dreaming about him, and he had been dreaming about me. Neither one of us got into the details really. I would love any and all thoughts.
I don't want to hurt or leave the man I am with now, bf#3, but I can't wrap my head around this and need help. Part of me feels like if I had the conversation with "dream guy" that it would get it off my chest, but that didn't work last time we had the conversation. 12 years had past since these dreams began.
I think you like the chase... the hunt... early courtship; whatever you want to call it, you like that rush of oxytocin, and the flush of desire. At least, your body does, and so does your subconscious. So make this relationship more of a chase!
Tell your dream guy you want to pretend, to role play. Then court him! Slowly, you will find that your mind will adjust to this new man. But if your body is hooked on that feeling, it will take time. No problem. Relax! (Seems like I am saying that a lot lately!)
Also, look into lucid dreaming. My husband is really good at it, and I am trying to get him to come back to IQ and write like he used to. I will ask him to write about lucid dreams. You might want to look at the posts of @Wade Casaldi. Google lucid dreaming here on IQ.
Lucid dreaming will really help. In those crazy dreams, you will be able to tell him to go away, and replace him with (hopefully) future husband. It takes practice but it is possible. Here's a link to start you off: link text
I had this crush guy I was nuts about since I was 10. I dreamed about him for decades! It did get annoying. I finally figured out that I did it because I was not comfortable with my ex. He just was not "it" for me. It was really hard to face. But it was the truth. This man, bf#1, is a symbol for you. What does he symbolize? If you figure that out, you will find the cure for this. Even so, your subconscious is not going to cooperate if you are not physically at peace. It will be slow, but it will work.
answered 15 Aug '17, 22:37
First of all the dream guy is the perfect version of the real guy, in other words he is your Prince Charming. But in real life he is not and can not even come close to how he is in the dream. In other words you fell for the fantasy of how you imagine if this guy were perfect, he would be.
So there are some possibilities of what could be going on, he could be attracted to you and thinking of you before he goes to sleep, you said he dreams of you too. Also there is the expectation fact of the fulfillment of desire. This could come as the fear of re-dreaming or in your case enchantment that you could dream of him again. This strong expectation whether in the form of worry or wonder stews in the brain and creates a reality based on this. If we look at a recipe, what we put into a mixture is what will bake into what is made. This expectation is the mix, even if you feel strongly, "I don't want to dream of him again, please no dreaming of him, not him, not him, no, no, no!" What is in the mix you have just put in your mind, him, him, him.... Because in order to think of not something, there has to be something to be the not something. Here is an example....
Don't think about a pizza pie, with pepperoni, sausage, meatball slices, extra cheese, and a garlic butter brushed crust. It is crazy to say don't think of that, when you have to describe that to not think of it! Another thing is quitting something, "I will quit this thing", when you use the will to think of quitting it you have to think of it to quit! Therefore your mind is really not in a place to quit the thing you want to quit.
So too saying I don't want to dream about dream guy, this is setting yourself up to dream about dream guy.
I see this dream guy as fantasy guy, as I pointed out he is your idea of him ideal if he were perfect, of course he is far from that, so he is fantasy guy.
Now if this were only a dream guy and not attached to a real life guy, you could explore these dreams, I feel that even if he had no physical counter part he is getting in the way of you enjoying your real life. So you could end up damaging what you really have for the fantasy of the ideal guy that only exist in thought of a Prince Charming world where he is prefect.
It is the idea of romance he represents to you, sort of like some soap opera whirlwind, everything perfect situation. That is a concoction of perfect based in the happily ever after fairy tales. Real perfect in love is so much more than that swept off your feet excitement you keep dreaming about. Real perfect is lasting through the days, some are hard, some are easy, some are exciting and some boring but day after day you thank God for having that life with that one. This is what I believe you have now with guy Boyfriend Three, this is what I have with my wife.
It isn't a fantasy ideal because if we take a deep look at that fantasy we see that that fantasy is like a cardboard cut out of a Prince Charming, an actor acting his part of your dream. He is in a limited environment and situation where everything is just right for the fantasy time after time. He is not in real life like you are and his counter part in real life proves that, as you see much less than that perfect guy in him.
Falling in love with the dream guy, and expecting the real guy to match your expectation of him based of your dreams is like falling in love with an actor because you fell in love with a character that actor played in a film. Two totally different people, they could be similar, but probably will have great differences. This would be unfair to him and you to go for him then keep trying to have him live up to your fantasy of him, I would feel resentment if my wife kept trying to mold me into some ideal fantasy of what she wanted me to be instead of loving me for myself as I am. Likewise she would feel resentment because she would feel like why can't I make him into this guy, why wont he just put on this costume and act this part for me, that is what I want him to be like!
That doesn't work, so that dream guy in real life won't be like the fantasy. Thank God for that too, because we live in a real world were there are real problems to go through together. If you had a one dimensional fantasy guy to live real life with it would be like a computer program with limited responses. Anything outside of the range of that perfect fantasy of love and romance would be met with "Does not compute."
Think for example of a handsome hero that always saves you in distress.... Exciting and wonderful, now think of that same hero trying to spend a lazy afternoon with you just watching television. He doesn't fit, he wants excitement, he wants to run off and save someone that needs help, his adrenaline is pumped and you are tired and just want to relax! Now you try talking about bills with him, he doesn't want anything to do with that, he is romantic action hero adventure guy!!!
He wants to save someone that needs him, he needs this action because that is what he is, he is nothing else. That is like this dream guy, take him out of the dream into real life and all of a sudden this perfect fantasy guy is like a fish out of the water. He doesn't fit or is much different than that perfect guy.
As for lucid dreams, you can program in your brain if you truly want that when you see him again you will tell him you needn't his company anymore in your dreams, thank him for everything and good bye.
This is a determination you set into place through desire and repeatedly reinforcing that feeling that you are going to tell dream guy you wish to not see him anymore, that he has served his purpose and now you have moved on.
Keep reinforcing that thought through your day and if you feel it hasn't worked it may take a few days or more but keep at it that you will tell him and feel relieved. Also reinforce that this will be good with no harsh feelings or regrets, you are being set free to fully love the one you love without this dream guy getting in between your love anymore.
Check out this book, The Inner Lover, by a Jungian therapist. Its premise is that not all our loves are meant to be lived out in the "normal" way. We can use these secret, unrealized passions for our growth and self-understanding.
answered 06 Sep '17, 21:00
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