This question is marked "community wiki".

I received a vicious, hurtful email from my sister filled with half-truths and even lies about my character. How do I let go of my pain and anger?

Here's the kicker: I found out that my very own daughter has been the source of this mis-information! Now I understand why she will not return my calls- I have not heard from her since September of 2010.

My family of origin died the day my Dad died July 27, 2006. Ever since then, my sisters have been mean to me, disrespectful, and down-right awful to me. It does not help that I resemble my Dad to a great degree, was "Daddy's girl", nor does it help that they spread gossip between the three of them without checking facts through me.

I feel totally betrayed and totally devastated. How could they do this?

I know what I must do: I must erase these people from my life permanently.That is easier said than done....

The worst part is that I think I have given it to God, and let go, and then waves of grief swell over me, and I am back to square one. Has this ever happened in your family, or am I the only one?

Blessings, Jai

asked 28 Aug '11, 13:54

Jaianniah's gravatar image


edited 17 Jan '12, 07:20

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

I guess I am....nobody has an answer????????????????

(28 Aug '11, 20:08) Jaianniah

"patience is a virtue"

(28 Aug '11, 22:26) ursixx

how could they do this they have free will and so have you. experience and enjoy.

(29 Aug '11, 03:16) white tiger
showing 1 of 3 show 2 more comments

In 2008, I went up-state with my sister to visit a relative. We had a wonderful time, and our last night there, we sat outside of our motel laughing, talking and drinking a few beers long into the night. Our father had recently passed and we talked over many happy memories. It was just a very nice night of closeness. The next morning we went our separate ways. Everything seemed fine.

That following weekend she was to have dinner with my adult kids; I was still away.

I should also add that she is my only sibling.

After that weekend passed, she stopped returning any of my calls, stopped answering any of my e-mails and simply would not speak to me. Since everything between us had been great up until then I was very confused as to what I had done to deserve that. I asked my kids if anything had been said in my absence that could have been taken the wrong way by her, but they couldn't recall anything. Jai, I was so hurt. It seemed with our Dad just gone, that we would need each other more than ever and there was business with his estate being left undone as well to make matters worse. I questioned her daughter and some of our Aunts, but no one knew what was wrong. I think if she had delivered some blistering attack on me that would have been better than silence. I made a few more attempts to speak to her, but I had no choice other than to let it go.

When I would go to my meditative level, I would always tell her I loved her and give her a hug. I could only hope that on some level she would be aware of it.

A lot of time passed. I was hurting, but went on with my life. When there is simply nothing you can do to repair a situation you can only let go of it and hope it may change later. I was not reactive and said nothing against her to anyone in the family. I burned no bridges, I closed no doors, I made no complaints to anyone. I stopped trying to contact her and only kept up with the mental work. I think that Ursixx's comment about not burning bridges but moving to higher ground is absolultely perfection! It's difficult for anything to grow again on scorched earth. So I waited it out and did nothing to make it worse.

Eventually, she did contact me again, and we got toegther for lunch just before Christmas. I didn't ask her why she wasn't talking to me for such a long time when I most needed her. I didn't ask her what she had been angry about. I didn't say anything, and she didn't offer any explanations. Maybe this was for the best. Anything either of us said at that point may have made matters worse. Are we as close again as we used to be? No, but we are back in each others lives. I am very glad now that I didn't force any issues, make accuasations, get angry or reactive to her silence.

From experience, I would say I know how it hurts when family seems to turn on you, but take the high ground and you may be very glad for that later. Even if it helps to repair nothing, you will know you did nothing to make it worse, and that you have nothing to feel bad about. Leaving the door open is best; hearts can change.

This answer is marked "community wiki".

answered 29 Aug '11, 00:34

LeeAnn%201's gravatar image

LeeAnn 1

What a story! It gave me chills! This is what has happened to me, except that the people involved are choosing to believe the most horrible, vicious beliefs they can about everything I do...and it gets back to me one way or another, leaving no doubt about what they think of me and my life! That's the part I cannot ignore...Someone is deliberately spreading poison about me, LeeAnn, and it HURTS!!!! That email even made fun of my name, "Jaianniah". Ouch. So I am going to do as you say, and just take the high ground (as if there was any other path with Wade at my side lol) and forgive.>>>>>>>>>>

(29 Aug '11, 01:05) Jaianniah

So sorry you are going through all of this!

(29 Aug '11, 02:23) LeeAnn 1

some people spread poison about other people. that is their game to get other people to like them. yes it is stupid and only work for a short period people eventually see it. then they get what they deserve. experience and enjoy.

(29 Aug '11, 03:29) white tiger

Excelent answer

(29 Aug '11, 11:17) Paulina 1
showing 2 of 4 show 2 more comments

I received a vicious, hurtful email from my sister filled with half-truths and even lies about my character.

Do you believe the the things you sister said?

I found out that my very own daughter.....

She is also someone else's daughter and niece...

they spread gossip between the three of them

They did that. Do you remember the old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" I remember learning that as a child. or how "I'm rubber your glue what ever you say bounces off me and sticks to you"? I know these are very childish but very good to remember. I have not spoken to my mother in over 10 years, neither have my sisters.
Your life is what you decide it is and who is in it is also who you decide is in it. It's a tough one.
Do it out of love for yourself and for the ones who love and treat you right now.

I know what I must do: I must erase these people from my life permanently.

I would use the words moved on not erased. Do not burn bridges,just move to higher ground.

This answer is marked "community wiki".

answered 28 Aug '11, 23:09

ursixx's gravatar image


Excellent answer, and excellent advice. thank you so do not know what this means to me!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(28 Aug '11, 23:21) Jaianniah

jai it might be a case of how they view things maybe they do not fathom you. like some that do not fathom me. smile. experience and enjoy.

(29 Aug '11, 03:13) white tiger

ursixx it is funny the part about not burning bridge some burn bridge and after when they need help they expect to walk on those bridge. should we make miracle and make them walk on the air? or let them fall down? smile. experience and enjoy.

(29 Aug '11, 03:20) white tiger

Ursixx I hope you dont mind but I'm going to tweet that wonderful phrase of yours "Dont burn bridges just move to higher ground" It's a great one.

(29 Aug '11, 11:21) Paulina 1

@Paulina: Thanks :D

(29 Aug '11, 21:39) ursixx

Ursixx I like that bit about not burning bridges too. But I am in a similar situation (with a friend not relative) and for the last week or so I have been thinking about burning the bridge indeed. What's wrong with that? It won't liberate us?

(30 Aug '11, 04:01) Pat W

@Pat W. I would see the symbolism of the burning the bridge as cutting all ties from the person in question. As I believe we are all one in the same this is really not possible .But to mentally say the that bridge is burned and have that that thought is. In moving to higher ground You have bettered yourself, You have moved on, You have done the right thing you have left the door open for the only certainty in life ... change.

(30 Aug '11, 07:56) ursixx

Ok, so you're saying just leave the door open for change, as that is still possible...?

(30 Aug '11, 15:34) Pat W

@Pat W your liberation will come from your change .You doing what makes you feel good. Many use the metaphor of "the journey" that we are all on.To be in a situation on your journey where you are un-happy is like being off the road spinning wheels and going no-where . If your friend wishes to stay (un-happy) there that is their choice.Where as you have decided to get back on the road(feeling happy). You cross the bridge,your example of your happiness is why you do not burn it.It is now your friends choice to follow or just disappear in your rear view mirror.Keep moving forward Pat


(30 Aug '11, 21:46) ursixx

Thanks ursixx :)

(31 Aug '11, 06:23) Pat W
showing 2 of 10 show 8 more comments

Remember Jai, nothing has any value except the value that you give to it.

This answer is marked "community wiki".

answered 29 Aug '11, 06:07

blubird%20two's gravatar image

blubird two

I once read 'The Zahir' by Paulo Coelho. There was an incredible technique there. I don't remember the exact name by which he called it, but I can tell you the practice. It's actually a way of forgetting the past, by forgetting I do not mean that that you actually don't remember it any more.

It's just that the power that a particular incident had, which made you upset, the power diminishes completely. and most importantly this has no mumbo jumbo, or any spiritual procedure or scientific procedure involved in it, so it can be done by any one who has no idea of any kind of meditation or EFTs etc. But 1st, an example. Just like when you punch on the punching bag, initially it hurts and hurts . But when you keep on doing it, one day your fist becomes numb and hard, and no longer feel the pain.

Similar is the technique and it can be tried in case of any childhood trauma, any big setback, or anything that made the heart weep horribly at a point in time. And I once told about this technique to a friend and it really worked for him.

His problem was that he used to love a girl, and things didn't work out and the girl married another guy. Now the day the girl told him that she had got married, after that very moment he started having visions of her and her husband having sex. Which is quite obvious after marriage. He was not able to handle such images. It used to hurt him. He was not able to work because of this.The more he tried to discard them, more they came.

Finally I suggested him to visualize the whole episode of the girl and her husband having sex as creatively and wildly as possible. and told him to do it for several minutes. he started doing it, and obviously it bothered him more. he then had the worst of emotions when he was doing that. but after a while he got numb. As he had visualized every possible way of them having sex, and had felt all the pain fully without suppressing, now he was free of any botheration. the reason is that his mind was exaggerating the size of the event and this made his life hell. But when he felt every emotion in its entirety, everything got over.

The power which the unconscious visualization had in it, that was no longer there. .. actually in the zahir, what Paulo actually tells you is to share the incident with someone as best and in as much detail as you can. Talk about it. and go on doing it, continuously, 5 times, ten times, or more. Initially you may cry and stuff, you may hate doing it, you will want to avoid it, but do it.

Speak out everything from the real incident to your reactions to your present emotions to everything. but after a while, the incident will lose its power.

This answer is marked "community wiki".

answered 29 Aug '11, 05:59

abhishek%20mishra's gravatar image

abhishek mishra

edited 17 Jan '12, 07:26

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

@abhishek mishra - for me the method you descrbe is spot on and replies to a question i was asking myself " what is the best way to liquidate the emotional content of a disruptive event" ... thanks :)

(17 Jan '12, 07:14) blubird two

you chose your friend not your family. stay in harmony keep the it does not mean you have to accept what they do to you. why do you accept to have pain and anger? it does not make you happy solve the problem and turn the page. set the example you have free will experience and enjoy.

This answer is marked "community wiki".

answered 29 Aug '11, 00:49

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

edited 29 Aug '11, 03:09

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