Hi ,

I have been ill-treated by people by the way I look,my complexion,my weight(which I reduced recently).I never bothered about my looks or anything till my graduation.Once I got into job..I met people who look good,have fair complexion,look awesome.

Iam so down that I have '0' level of confidence.I can buy any worth of items for others but couldn't spend a penny for myself because every time I go to buy something I feel Iam not worth it.I earn good but I can't spend it on myself. :(

This person I loved deeply told me (after 7months) that I don't look good,he would prefer fair skin."Anyone should marry people who are beautiful else there cant be romance in marriage" there was a another word for marriage that he used but I changed it considering the public forum.

Now,I hate myself so much that I don't look at mirror at all.

The worst thing of my life is that people judge me by my looks.The strong believe I have about myself is that Am a good person,I don't hurt anyone,caring,loving but no one wants to see that rather hurt me for what my looks are.

Many people threw me out of their life because they couldn't spend their life with me due to the way I look.It hurts deep when people do this to me.

Iam with dusky complexion ,simple dressing and like to keep it simple always.No tacky things,nothing stylish.

But it seems,people who are good looking are luckier.And like it's said "Beggars cannot be choosers" I cannot choose.

Why does only physical beauty matters when the body is gonna die one day?Isn't the persons nature that's important?or may be the beauty dominates everything .

(And of course,this person is married to the beautiful,fair skinned girl).

asked 15 Jul '12, 09:35

insilentpain's gravatar image


edited 15 Jul '12, 17:01

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

@insilentpain-You might find something useful in these answers here also:). http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/12540/how-do-you-simply-love-yourself

(15 Jul '12, 10:45) Satori
showing 0 of 1 show 1 more comments

" I am with dusky complexion , simple dressing and like to keep it simple always. No tacky things, nothing stylish "

You physically sound like my kind of girl :)

@insilentpain, for some reason I feel magnetised to giving you an answer to your question, but the truth is, no answer shall satisfy you one bit whilst you are so far out of the vortex ( feeling good )...It is sad from my persepctive that I cannot help you, nor can anyone, until you reach a better feeling state.

Here is all I can offer at the moment ~.~

  • When you are feeling good, read the answers to this question again. Most likely, new answers/ comments will spring up, as well as you being capable of reading previous answers with different bits of information sinking, that shall be of more assistance than when you were reading this feeling bad
  • If you say you never feeling good during the day, which is untrue, remember than everything in life is impermanent, and your feeling will actually increase for the better at some stage for a while. I can promise you that
  • Waking up in the morning always provides one with a somewhat emotional "reset." Try coming back to this question first thing tomorrow morning ( after coffee and chocolate, of course, hehe )

alt text

And get this; in my experience, most people who consider themselves unattractive are, ironically and without their knowing, actually extremely good looking



answered 16 Jul '12, 05:57

Nikulas's gravatar image


edited 16 Jul '12, 06:02

@Nikulas:I was cmg bck to these ans time & again to find myself better and guess wat, you answer exactly did wat I needed.I can't express in words how elated am after your reading power words."You physically sound like my kind of girl :)" and "And get this; in my experience, most people who consider themselves unattractive are, ironically and without their knowing, actually extremely good looking" actually made me feel good...

(16 Jul '12, 07:09) insilentpain

@Nikulas...I felt as though someone is out there who finds me attractive.That's a million dollar boost for me.thanks a lot..and I owe you a great deal.And yes you are right..everyday is emotional reset but its the memories and hurting from this guy that haunt me always.Hope things get better soon as you said.GOD BLESS YOU ..:) YOU MADE MY DAY CHEERS!!!

(16 Jul '12, 07:09) insilentpain

@Nikulas - a plus one from me for a great answer.

(16 Jul '12, 07:49) Catherine
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments

My friend, I think its time for some tough love for you:)

Let me venture here to show you how you are making things convenient for you by playing a victim and why this will not solve anything for you...

Reading your question, I feel, you are venting out your frustration towards this particular dude. Be as it may, let me guide you on how you may be able to start fixing some things with a spiritual approach.

Count how many negative things you have written about yourself in this post: I gave up after 38

Count how many positive things you have written about yourself in this post: 5 and I counted all.

Think about it for a minute! Would YOU like to be with a person who has such opinion about themselves? Answer honestly!

Our relationships reflect on what we have received from others, what we have given, and what troubles we have caused. Genuine self-relfection affects so many aspects of our life-the presence of gratitude, our relationships with our loved ones, the degree of judgment we have about other’s faults, our mental health, lifestyle choices, investment decisions, even our faith in a supreme being or life force.

Keeping that in mind, Your question really tells you about yourself than about what is happening to you. Let me risk here by saying how you come across:

Here's the tough love part:)...

You like people 'who look good,have fair complexion,look awesome'

You would marry someone who is 'beautiful and fair skinned'

You could only spend the good money you make on yourself if you had fair complexion and you look good and was awesome.

Your thinking is that people who are good looking are luckier. They are the 'choosers'

Because of your looks, you think you are 'unlucky', a sort of a 'beggar' and hence cannot be a chooser.

So you don't feel worthy of spending money on yourself...

DO YOU SEE that in this whole thing, the guy'who-married-the-beautiful-fair-skinned-girl' has nothing to do with how you feel. You always felt this way about yourself, he just came into your life and reflected that.

Do you see that all you see of yourself is what you do not have - lack of complexion,good looks, being awesome- and what you focus on will expand.

Did you ever consider that maybe this 'beautiful, fair skinned girl' this guy married is really a great human being, that they are in love and that is why he married her?

OR ...Consider this: Suppose you were given fair skin, great complexion, good looks and all the awesomeness, do you REALLY think that every guy who passed you by would fall for you? Or all your problems related to relationships would be solved?

Do you know that on our planet - the planet Earth- there are more dusky/dark/wheatish complexion people than there are fair skinned ones? That also ONLY when compared to fair skin people:) And most of them have/will find their soul-mates. All those people are doing just fine...You, my friend has an issue with skin color!

I am not dismissing whatever happened to you with this guy, but really, honestly, he maybe a blessing in disguise. It's time to look within.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It won't help beyond some sympathy and empathy. Stop judging people by their looks and you'll be amazed that is what will they do towards you.

Stop focusing on everything you think is wrong with you and run with the positive things in your life: You are a graduate, you make good money, you are a good, caring and loving person (5)..this 5 positives have enough power to neutralize all the negatives you perceive in your life. AND, these 5 positives will exponentially multiply, I guarantee you...actually, the LAW OF ATTRACTION guarantees it:))

There's no quick fix, magic formula on IQ (trust me I looked:) Start by building your confidence. Take time to understand LOA, 'What you focus on expands' and other processes.

People haven't walked out on you all your life because THEY think you are not good looking, maybe, they have walked out on you all your life because YOU think YOU are not good looking.

Understand this difference and you'll be on your way to 'feeling good' about yourself regardless of your complexion, looks and degree of awesomeness.

I hope you take this in right spirit, I did say it was going to be 'tough love' answer:)


answered 15 Jul '12, 11:18

Xoomaville's gravatar image


edited 15 Jul '12, 11:29


@Xoomaville-Motivational speaker in the making here,you have a gift:)

(15 Jul '12, 11:33) Satori

@Satori, ha ha ha...you made me smile:))) Thanks for the kind words. I was not really thinking of that while answering this...omg, I have revealed too much about myself here:)

(15 Jul '12, 11:36) Xoomaville

Thats a nice answer and I do agree to major extentand would surely follow most of the valuable advice:).But I disagree that I like only fair skinned people I saw them and the way the are liked by everyone..and yes also seen every guy does fall for them.but for me I like anyone who is caring and loving.I overtime starting this low after being mistreated. And the guy did compare me to her to state that she is better than me.BTW,whats this LOA?

(15 Jul '12, 11:40) insilentpain

@insilentpain, Okay, maybe you do not like only fair skinned people and if others like them and treat them nice, and maybe every guy falls for them, you can't do anything about it. You'll have to get over what this guy told you. You should be thinking you are better than him and her, and both of them put together:) This is your life, don't live observing what others are doing to other people. Mould yourself by just recognizing that you are already awesome:) And that is the truth...

(15 Jul '12, 11:51) Xoomaville

...also, since you are new here, I want to suggest again that you spend sometime on questions and answers already posted here and understand some basic terms and processes. These are used generously across the site and it is a vast site with tons of info. LOA means Law Of Attraction, EFT means Emotional Freedom Technique...I think you will be just fine, just need to shift certain perspectives and thought patterns:)

(15 Jul '12, 11:55) Xoomaville

As @Satori has already posted in comment above, if you haven't already, please read this entire thread: http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/12540/how-do-you-simply-love-yourself

(15 Jul '12, 11:58) Xoomaville

@Xoomaville,I thank you for one more point that I never considered.You are right this "girl" must be a great human being that why he must have loved and married her.He deserves her better than me.In complete agreement to your points.

(15 Jul '12, 16:25) insilentpain

Great answer Xooma!:)

(15 Jul '12, 19:53) LapisLazuli

@insilentpain, you are welcome:) see that's already a good start, not the thanking me part, but letting go of this guy part. Another little tip: Whenever someone is upsetting me or are getting on my nerves, I just silently say 'God Bless you' to the other person and let go. This works for me great as it shifts my initial negative instinct to a positive one. I silently say 'God bless you' to everyone (while driving, observing people etc.)It's a good way of not going on the negative thought path:)

(16 Jul '12, 00:21) Xoomaville

@LapisLazuli, thank you:)

(16 Jul '12, 00:22) Xoomaville

@Xoomaville, very nicely said about how everything in our life in fact just reflects ourselves to us, so that we can get to know ourselves better and without bullsh*tting ourselves as we often do.

One thing though, I would not shift focus from negative to positive. I mean, know what you got and what you appreciate - yes. But also, know what you want to improve and let the power of positivity and appreciation of your current blessings pump you to fill the imaginary holes within you...

(16 Jul '12, 05:09) CalonLan

...perhaps when you fill them at last, you realize that they really were not that important or worth crying over. And you might have a good laugh about it as well. Maybe it's pity that this realization cannot be simply "suggested" but must be realized, it would be so much easier :-) But what am I saying, there's nothing really hard, no reason to rush anywhere to some enlightenment or something. Just a ride to enjoy.

(16 Jul '12, 05:12) CalonLan
showing 2 of 12 show 10 more comments

When I say matter from now on, I'm assuming general priorities of an ordinary person. Yes of course we could talk philosophies and stuff, but lets talk real life instead.

Person's nature matters indeed. But so does your looks. And everything related to you. See, it's a very big picture where everything's interconnected. Your thoughts, your attitude, what you think about yourself is displayed to the world through many ways - how you look, how you speak, how you carry yourself around. It's in your handshake, in your posture. I believe you can look the person in the eye and you'll just see right to their soul.

I see you are very troubled by your current looks. Well, I assume not only because of how others treat you, but also because you yourself don't quite like it. The important thing is not to look away from it. Don't try to justify your worth by drawing your focus on "being a nice person" or for example "being a good cook".

Apparently you would like to have a great relationship with someone. We all dream of it. But sometimes we are afraid to face our own demons and fix our own problems, we try to hard to bring that little light of ours shine a bit more by focusing on it. If you're a good cook, then you can become a chef in a restaurant, but don't expect to "catch" anyone on it. If you're a nice person, then you may help people in Salvation army, but again don't expect it to be a reason for having an exciting thrilling romantic relationship.

You want to look good? I'm sorry...great? Perhaps it's time to do something about it. Nobody was born "fat" or "skinny". And if you a person is one of those two, it's NOT a LABEL for LIFE! It's a temporary, momentary state in which they find themselves. It's a "right now" kind of a label, which can be thrown away the very next moment.

And if you don't like it - change it! See, people are generally afraid of UNKNOWN. That's the reason why they try to find ways to accept their current situation focusing on good side of it. Yes, you can go to a garbage can and maybe after several moments of searching you'll find a cookie that's half-way eatable. But is that really way to eat? Is that really way to live to be in an uncomfortable place, and try to find something good about it ONLY SO WE DON'T HAVE TO FACE OUR FEAR OF UNKNOWN - of the CHANGE? It's a sad life. That's what it is.

You might have already read, that the universe won't give you what you want, but who you are. So if you know what you want, and you know who you have to become to get it. Then do it! You CAN BE anyone YOU WANT! I've seen people lose over 100lbs, I'd never believe how just 15lb weight loss can create a WORLD of DIFFERENCE in someone's looks. You can be whoever you want! Just Don't be afraid of it! Ok?

Here, in short, I'm just trying to give a little of hope and perhaps help raise your confidence level. Go to youtube, search for motivational weight loss videos, and watch them. Let the inspiration and motivation of other people grow on you until it gets so big that it will move your fears away and you'll go and take life back into your hands. If you cry watching them, don't worry, I cry watching them too. It's rather emotional to see people so high in spirit and determination that they break all barriers and just shine.

I do the same thing, if I want something I surround myself with it. I let it grow on me until it gets so big and strong, it moves my life by itself.

There's so much more to it, and I'm sure a lot of people will have their say and perspective to share on this. This is just my 2 cents and advice from personal experience of what I would do. Sorry I haven't gone into a greater detail in specific topics, but it's really big as life and a month of writing wouldn't quite explain it all.

Don't be afraid of what you can be when you live with no fear. Don't compromise with yourself. Nor with anyone or anything. You want something, go get it. Period. There's always a way to have what you want. NEVER COMPROMISE!.


answered 15 Jul '12, 10:43

CalonLan's gravatar image


edited 15 Jul '12, 10:46

@CalonLan, great answer:)

(15 Jul '12, 11:25) Xoomaville

@Calonlan-a lot of good points here:)

(15 Jul '12, 11:35) Satori

"If I want something I surround myself with it. I let it grow on me until it gets so big and strong, it moves my life by itself." Really loved that line:)

(15 Jul '12, 20:00) LapisLazuli
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments

Whatever another person says or thinks of you is irrelevant... but how you think of yourself means everything.

The mind is a very powerful thing- what you choose to bring your focus to is going to expand, for better or worse. That means that if you entertain thoughts of fair skinned people being luckier and more beautiful than you, you are going to see more situations that make you feel that way. The key is- stop focusing on those thoughts and start paying attention to things that make you feel beautiful and special. :)

Fair skinned, dark skinned, thin, thick, short, tall... the question is, do you absolutely have to fall into a specific category to be beautiful? Beauty ranges over all the categories- everyone is beautiful in a different way. But you have to see your own beauty in order for others to see it.

So, disregard what others think of you. Stick to what you think of yourself, your opinion is the only one that matters. Know that you are beautiful and you do deserve love. But you have to be the one to see it... and when you do, things will change. :)

Take your attention away from the negative things... start looking at the positive. If it helps to exercise, meditate, or eat better, do that. If it gives you more confidence to dress well, do that. Think thoughts that make you feel good and do things that make you feel good.

No one is better than anyone else nor is anyone's opinions more valid than anothers... you are just as important and valuable as everyone else is. But we each are solely responsible for our thoughts and feelings... we cannot change the way another person thinks, but we always have the ability to change ourself.

Take advantage of that... fill your mind with beautiful things and feel good even if things aren't the way you wish they were. See how powerful that is?

What surrounds you is just a reflection of what you are thinking and feeling on the inside. Just like if you look in a mirror, you must smile first before your reflection smiles back.


answered 15 Jul '12, 19:50

LapisLazuli's gravatar image


"if you look in a mirror, you must smile first before your reflection smiles back." - Simple, great, bottom line..er..line:)

(16 Jul '12, 00:25) Xoomaville

Hi ISP , just came across this , you may find helpfull


theres also a pod cast included in the link

Wishing you Love and Light Always ...SL :-)


answered 16 Jul '12, 00:26

Starlight's gravatar image


@Starlight I was on that exact same website last night!

(16 Jul '12, 01:03) Catherine

Fantastic how LOA responds eh, lol :-)

(16 Jul '12, 01:16) Starlight

Oh and just finished listening to podcast, very insightfull

(16 Jul '12, 01:17) Starlight

@Starlight I got interrupted about half way through but intend to go back to it ... I particularly liked his philosophy of giving you the first few sessions free so that you know what you getting when you buy the full programme.

(16 Jul '12, 01:37) Catherine

Yes Catherine tis most generous of him :-)

(18 Jul '12, 11:55) Starlight

@Starlight - Love the link, thank you! Haven't had time for the podcast yet, but the discussion on identifying a core belief "...like solving a mystery of the illusions in your mind." hit me right where I live right now. It is the most exhilarating feeling to free myself! :)

(18 Jul '12, 15:11) Grace
showing 2 of 6 show 4 more comments

@insilentpain - As you explore this board you will find a common understanding that we attract what we think about, particularly when that thought is powered by emotion.

You have a pain-filled question. If you examine your focus, it is on how you look and that is why you think people are not interested in you.

The answers you get to your questions filter through your belief systems. This is universal to all of us.

I am reminded of a story where a woman who is dusky, plump, simply dressed but felt she has another major defect. She lost an eye and was only able to afford a replacement made of wood. It was beautifully painted and realistic, indistinguishable from a real eye but she felt everyone was looking at it and rejecting her.

One day she saw the man of her dreams, he seemed to be quite interested in her, so she approached him. As she got nearer, she noticed he was smiling at her and that that he had a slight harelip. But she was more focussed on her own wood eye and that he must be judging her accordingly.

Mustering up her courage, she walked up to him and asked, "Would you like to go out with me?"

His smile increased and he eagerly responded, "Would I?" She screamed, "Harelip! I don't want anything to do with you either!"

The Universe is trying to give us what we want, what will make us happy, but our belief systems can get in the way.

I suggest that you look for women who look like you. You may even find some women look worse than you. See how many are wearing wedding rings. You will be surprised at how many of these women are married. They have found men who like the way they look, fell in love and are having a good relationship. There are men out there who like the way you look!

You may even have a look at the tall, skinny, blond supermodels and see how many are single.

You are here, in this world, to be happy. It is your birthright. You came to Inward Quest because you have reached that point in your life where you are beginning to understand this, otherwise you would not be here.

Lastly, since you are just beginning here, you might think of a more positive Inward Quest board name, and re-register under that name. Do you want to be thought of as "InSilentPain"?


answered 19 Aug '12, 06:54

Dollar%20Bill's gravatar image

Dollar Bill

edited 19 Aug '12, 06:55

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