Hi my name is Dana. I am currently divorced but still living with my ex husband. He is physically, mentally and financial and emotionally abusive. I have 3 children, how do I stand up for myself?

This man is a habitual liar and he is always putting me down. I have totally forgotten what it feels like to be happy. I have also forgotten what my dreams are. Every time I head towards my dreams he crushes me down. I am not financially secure as he would not allow me to go out and work. I feel like I am his slave. There is nothing that I can think and do because he would not allow me to. Everything is about him, even with the kids. He will control what we order at the restaurant; he will control what I can and cannot do in terms of decorating the home. Basically he wants to control everything.

He also does not want to face the truth about anything that is wrong. Like if there is a problem with the kids, he does not want to face it or he is not responsible for it. He only wants good things; no one must see him as bad. He refuses to see the truth to anything. If I disagree with him then he wants to fight and hit me. I must not disagree, even if it goes against what I think and feel. He wants to also control my emotions and complains about everything. Neither kids nor I must disagree or challenge him then he gets angry.

I feel like I don’t have a life and that I am a slave. I am not allowed any time to myself or do anything I enjoy even if it is playing an x-box game or surfing the net. He wants me to be at his beck and call. I must do only what he says. He steals all of my time and when he is not around then I rush to do what I must do for myself or the kids. Even in his business I must do all the admin but when he is around then I must be around him and help to get his work done, not mine. He is always criticizing me on how I do things and that he and his family are the best and have high values and morals. I sometimes feel so low down and depressed that I beg the universe to kill me and my children. I sit and pray and wish to die together with my children.

It is just so horrible. Many have said that I am paying for my past life karma. Can this be so, then how do I get rid of it? Must I pay with my life, must my children also pay with their lives as well. Please help me. I have read both of your books on Abraham. And I receive your daily quotes. Please explain to me how I solve this.

asked 18 May '10, 19:52

DANA%20RAMNATH's gravatar image


edited 09 Jan '13, 00:52

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

Please follow the advice listed below. You do not have to stay in an abusive situation and there is always a way out. You have already taken the first step by asking here - call the number Vesuvius listed and when you get yourself physically removed from the situation you may be able to begin implementing some processes to help change your way of thinking. Your main priority right now is to get you and your kids to a safe environment - your husband obviously has control issues and needs help but your job is to protect yourself and your kids - please make that call.

(19 May '10, 11:36) Michaela

well some are self righteous and like to make division and pick fight and seek to have control over everything to show how high they are. it only show how low they are and they do not realize it. because it show the lack that they have, they are out of control and out of fear they seek to control other to show on people on the outside that they are good. they are blind that lead the blind. do not worry and trouble your heart not every one is blind in this world some have eyes that see-

(12 May '15, 07:02) white tiger

and ears that hears. the simple thing is that you are with him by choice. so now you are getting to know him better and the choice is still your to make if it put your kids or you in danger make the proper choice to protect your self and the kids. is business, the boss mentality. it is strange that you did not see this coming. where you blind also? well now you see. is it because you have seek dream at the place of reality and now the reality of the situation is not how you have dream it.-

(12 May '15, 07:08) white tiger

also you are two in that and you have children so you both need to take your responsibility for your legacy. any one can make mistake it is never to late to correct them, but first you have to see what are the mistake, and you should know that not every one want to see it, some prefer to stay blind to it. in that case you have the choice to help your self and the children. blaming making a fight will not help you or the children. you chose him and he chose you surely you should have know that-

(12 May '15, 07:21) white tiger

you would have to help out each other. from you are saying you never went out to work. so he was the provider like in the old days when men worked to provide for the family and women stayed home to take care of the home and the children. some women complain that they would like to stay home and take care of the home and the kids like in the old days. so you see they have the same problem then you have it is called a boss. -

(12 May '15, 07:28) white tiger

the only difference in your case is that he lives with you and is suppose to help you and you help him. if you have divorce him and you still live at is place I would say that he is not that bad. but why are you still staying there since you wanted a divorce? that might be the question that you should answer. why did you make the choice to stay there if you did not want to be with him you divorce from him and got 50% of what he have. so why are you sticking around is it for the children?

(12 May '15, 07:32) white tiger

if it is dangerous for the children and you, would you not have make the choice to move out? and him why is he keeping you at is place is it for the children also? maybe he also did not think that this would be happening when he made the choice to be with you. so for both of you it might not be settle and that is the cause of your problem.

(12 May '15, 07:40) white tiger

why not serve your self and other to the best of your ability. at the place of fighting against your self and other. no one is perfect in this world and each one is interdependent. and you see that fighting and making war does not help anyone it only does misery and devastation. so first get to know your self then get to know other in this way you will know your strength and weakness and other people strength and weakness. in this way you will be able to help your self and other.

(12 May '15, 16:36) white tiger
showing 1 of 8 show 7 more comments


Ideally, you should be doing what the others are telling you here. If you feel this threatened, it would be a good idea to seek some help from someone you can physically communicate with...people talking to you through the internet can only offer a limited amount of support...but I can also understand that you may feel that the internet is your only option right now if you feel this trapped in your life.

I notice you've gone to a lot of trouble to ask this question that hinges around Past Life Karma so I think you deserve an answer to it.

So, even though it may upset a few people here, I'll give you as honest an answer as I can give you based upon many years of looking into this idea...since I was also once told this by other people when I was going through some very hard times...and that misunderstood karma idea kept me trapped and feeling like a victim for years.

Those people that have told you that all of this that is happening is because of Past Life Karma don't know what they are talking about.

They are talking rubbish.

Plain and simple...pure, absolute rubbish.

Kick that idea out - it does not deserve to be in your life. It's just superstitious nonsense that gets passed around by people who really don't understand (or refuse to understand) some basic ideas about life.

If you want more detail about why Past Life Karma does not exist I'll provide it, but maybe it will just give you a bit of hope to know you have nothing to "pay for" in this life. You are as worthy and deserving of a happy life as anyone else alive.

Please ask more questions here on this website if you need more information and if you think it will make you feel better about your situation.


answered 18 May '10, 21:25

Stingray's gravatar image


Nothing I find controversial at all about this answer. Indeed, I believe you have nothing at all to pay for from a previous life, other than perhaps your own (self-imposed) guilt.

(18 May '10, 21:49) Vesuvius


I used to go back & forth thinking - is there past life Karma or NOT. Then I thought about the Christian belief of Heaven & Hell. It was a NO brainer after that! We create our own realities. Just as we CAN create our own Heaven & Hell here on earth; we create both good & bad karma in the NOW.

Great answer!

For me - for the most part, Karma means the Golden Rule.

If you don't mind; I wouldn't mind reading some examples of why Past Life Karma does not exist.

Thank you.

(09 Jan '13, 00:23) ele


"and that misunderstood karma idea kept me trapped and feeling like a victim for years."

I couldn't agree more - victim mentality! Unfortunately for some; it becomes their identity & for many, it gives them the 'power' to 'control'.

They don't see how powerful they really are. If they can create Hell, they can create Heaven.

(09 Jan '13, 00:54) ele

@Stingray What about karmic patterns or is that different from karma?

(09 Jan '13, 02:02) Catherine

@Catherine - What are karmic patterns?

(10 Jan '13, 13:08) Stingray

@ele - "I wouldn't mind reading some examples of why Past Life Karma does not exist" - A couple of my past tirades against the conspiracy of karma :) Reincarnation: Has it always to be Karmic? and Is God/almighty still on my side or has he left me because I am bad?. I'm sure there are probably others scattered around IQ but can't think of them at the moment

(10 Jan '13, 13:15) Stingray

@Stingray Good question - karmic patterns are when you reincarnate with the same people to work through stuff from previous lives. From what I've read in mainly channelled work, you reincarnate with the same souls to experience variations on themes so in that sense you don't actually start fresh in each incarnation. You're working through, for want of a better expression, "old" karmic patterns. Hope this makes sense.

(10 Jan '13, 14:41) Catherine

@Catherine - "you reincarnate with the same souls to experience variations on themes" - Yes, I would agree with that in theory. But it's you choosing to participate in the exploring for the fun of doing the explorations...not some mysterious, arbitrary and mighty "Law of Karma" that is dishing out rewards and punishments in some pseudo-random fashion. When one engages in some physical sport, there is always a chance one might get hurt but the fun is worth the risk

(12 Jan '13, 06:34) Stingray

Awright, @ele, I hear your remark about NO Brainer! :) This whole thing about having past life "debts" has never made sense to me! How can you be held accountable for something you don't know and can't remember you did?

Seems an excuse for not cleaning up your act in the here and now! We are very powerful creatures. We control our destiny and not another. When you put your power outside yourself and go into "victim" mode, you are screwed. Self-screwed!

(12 Jan '13, 08:05) No Brainer

@Stingray Agreed - that explains it just fine. Thank you.

(12 Jan '13, 12:36) Catherine
showing 2 of 10 show 8 more comments

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224. They can assess your situation and advise you further on what to do.

If the situation is truly abusive, there are shelters you can go to that will provide complete anonymity for you and your children (they will not tell your (ex) husband where you are), while you make the important decisions that will put your life back on track.

It is very important that you make this call. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children.


answered 18 May '10, 20:03

Vesuvius's gravatar image


edited 18 May '10, 20:08

@Vesuvius: She is in South Africa, do they help there?

(24 Sep '10, 18:12) Back2Basics

Forget the karma and even manifestations right now.

Get to a professional service and get the kids out of there.

Also, do not wish death for your children, they are not you...

Do your kids a favor and move.

Here is info for your location:


Stop Woman Abuse National Toll-free Hotline 0800 150150

Life Line: Johannesburg (011) 728 1347

Durban (031) 23 2323; Port Elizabeth (041) 55 5581; Cape Town (021) 461 1111

Adapt: (011) 885 3309

Advice Desk for Abused Women: (031) 204 4111

Black Sash: (011) 834 8361

Domestic Violence Assistance Programme: (031) 260 1588

Family and Marriage Centre of South Africa: Johannesburg (011) 833 2057/788 4784; Port Elizabeth (041) 585 9393; Durban (031) 304 8991; Cape Town (021) 461 7360; Pretoria (021) 322 7136

Masimanyane Womens Support Centre:(0431) 43 9169

Nisaa Institute for Women’s Development:(011) 854 5804/5

People Opposing Women Abuse:(011) 642 4345

People Against Human Abuse:(012) 805 7416

Trauma Clinic: (011) 403 5102/3

United Sanctuary for Battered Women:(021) 572 5256

Wits Mental Health Society: (011) 484 1503

Women Against Women Abuse: (011) 642 4345

Women’s Net Website http://www.womensnet.org.za


answered 24 Sep '10, 18:16

Back2Basics's gravatar image


Wow Basic! I am truly impressed how men solve problems! I love you, namaste

(28 Sep '10, 08:45) daniele

who said I am a man? haha ok I am. love you too!

(28 Sep '10, 16:03) Back2Basics

Hi Dana, I hear your pain and desperation and how much you want to be free of the abusive situation. The first thing to do is physically remove yourself and your children if you can. But if you are unable to do that remember this one thing - your husband can control many things about you but he cannot control your mind or your thinking. Thats the ultimate control that you have and that is what can save your life. If you cannot or will not get out at this time then start by practicing affirmations and visualization. No matter what he does to you keep a positive affirmation in mind and repeat it over and over no matter what is happening. I know this is easier said than done. Repeat the following over and over "I CAN AND WILL GET OUT OF THIS ABUSIVE SITUATION". START TAKING BACK CONTROL THROUGH YOUR THINKING AND YOU WILL SEE REMARKABLE RESULTS. Do not tell your spouse or anyone what you are doing. Just do it.

I suggest that you keep checking in to this website because there are a lot of spiritually knowledgeable persons who can give you excellent advice.


answered 18 May '10, 22:17

Drham's gravatar image


edited 18 May '10, 22:31


(22 May '10, 11:00) DANA RAMNATH

a change comes first from within

(12 May '15, 06:07) jaz

I agree with Vesuvius, the first thing you need to do is get help and preferrably get out of this situation. Once you are physically safe then you can sort out your life. There are lots of people here on this site who can give you ideas and techniques on getting back on track but only you can take the first step and get out of your current situation. Abuse does not diminish and can unfortunately take a very nasty turn. So please get help and get out!


answered 18 May '10, 20:17

I%20Think%20Therefore%20I%20Am's gravatar image

I Think Therefore I Am

I was in your situation and can relate to you. Met my husband when I was 18, him 24 and 5 months later we were married. Things got totally out of hand when we moved to his country and I didn't work. I prayed for death, mainly his, but I was the one really dying from within, for I believed in marriage till death do us part and didn't wish for my kids to grow up without a dad. It took my seeing the pain reflected in their eyes to force me to wake up from the numbness and start living for their sake.

First, I forced myself to eat. Then, I started to force myself to say sweet things to my husband, despite the resentment and ache in my heart. I started to look for things he did that I'd be grateful for, like he paid the bills, we have shelter, warmth and thank him for it.

I knew nothing about spirituality but through hard work of looking,seeing and appreciating the positive side of my husband it changed him. I later realized he feared that was the only way he could hold on to me by isolating me and keeping my wings clipped.

The whole point is that it works. We're together 25 years now, very much in love and wouldn't have it any other way.

thanks and blessings, namaste


answered 24 Sep '10, 09:30

daniele's gravatar image


(An extremely late answer, but just for future reference for future readers I guess. Abraham advocates this message as well.)

Look and dwell only on the positives.

HOWEVER... Physically moving away from an abusive situation is what one must do first, yes, it is more important and comes above examining thoughts and emotions.

Why? Because for the average person, it is impossible to be directly in the presence of abuse and be a better vibrational person. Changing thoughts comes after one has moved away from the abusive senario.

Afterwards, it is required to change thoughts/beliefs/emotions. If one does not, one will only be a victim to these situations in the future in a similar if not identical manner.

Once this work is done, your circumstances will change. Either the abusive person will seize to perform such action or they will exit your life. This is true- it is law.

As for the Karma aspect of the questions- I have a question for the reader. Why worry about it? It's not going to assist you in making your life better. One may ponder countless years trying to discover the 'truth' behind Karma....Dont waste your time.


answered 26 Jul '11, 11:20

Nikulas's gravatar image


Dana, please call a professional agency, such as one of those Veusvius listed, to get some advice and help. I don't advise you to go on feeling as you do. It will take some courage to make the call, but you really need to do so. Just a moment's courage and you will be on the road to getting relief and help for you and the children.


answered 18 May '10, 20:21

LeeAnn%201's gravatar image

LeeAnn 1

@Dana, I agree with all the advice given to you here. However, I have a little piece of advice to lend to you and I hope it helps. In the meantime, while you're trying to get yourself and your kids physically away from the situation, tell yourself (in your mind) "I LOVE YOU DANA". Try to make it your dominant thought, especially when you're between sleep and wake.

The idea is-as long as you can love yourself the answers will become possible-and you need to open yourself up to those possibilities and answers, they're all there, just let them in - Loving yourself, even for a moment will let them in. If nothing else, do this for your kids, block him out, even for 1 second and love yourself, let it in. Nothing is impossible, I have never been in an abusive marriage but I've had some pretty abusive relationships with my siblings etc. and I know how that could tear you apart, I cannot begin to imagine how horrible it is being married to the abuser.

Challenge yourself to lift out of this, as long as you love yourself your life will turn around faster that you can expect - you can do it.

Please stay on InwardQuest so that we can help lift you with our positive thoughts and prayers. Much love and luck to you my dear...


answered 09 Jan '13, 08:11

MoonWillow's gravatar image


@daniele - Yay! Yay! Yay! Good for you! Focus on the positive and his good qualities! This WILL work.

I had to do a LOT of this when @Dollar Bill and I first met, first fell in love and got married. Whew! This was hard, but I was persistant and stayed focussed. He was very set on doing things his way, and he was a real player as far as women (up until we married.)

I seriously thought about adding Prozac to his breakfast (shh, don't tell him, maybe I did :).

Through our love, we both changed. But we changed aspects of ourselves that we didn't like and these changes came from within because we decided we would be happier if we changed. Not because one of use decided that the other should change.

So My Answer to this question is to find his good qualities and praise them. Do not expect an instant change. You may even find that things seem worse. His control issues may seem more entrenched. This is because you are seeing things differently.

BUT all behavior is a loop. You do something and he does something. When you do something differently, it may seem as though he is getting worse, trying to get you to behave as you used to do.

Be resolute. There are things that drew you together. Focus on them. Focus on them!

The problem with leaving any unpleasant situation is that you take yourself with you! Unless you deal with this situation, now, you will deal with it later, maybe with your next relationship.

Read @daniele 's answer, read it again, read it again. DO IT!

As far as breaking up, First, would he miss you? Sounds like he wouldn't. I would bet your behavior is also a problem for him. That he feels your depression, anxiety and frustration. Men like happy, loving women. I knew that if I was a bitch to Bill, he would easily find solace somewhere else, probably with someone else.

He was never physically abusive. I probably would have called the cops, but that was not his style. I decided to make myself absolutely essential and necessary to him. If he yelled at me, I praised the quality of his voice. Then we usually laughed. If we didn't, I found something else to praise until we did laugh!


answered 12 Jan '13, 08:43

No%20Brainer's gravatar image

No Brainer

Firstly, i would like to kindly request you to forget anything about past life karma debt, this is nonsense which will only make your problems multiply. Dont surrender for such wrongful myths. You are NOT paying for your so-called past life karma, but you're a victim of a bad marriage relationship abuse. Everything is for a reason sister, you have to sit down with yourself and be honest to yourself is this man that bad, does he have good aspects that could outweigh his bad side, does he regret what he does at some point and come to apologize. If you consider things carefully and conclude that he does not pay you the least of respect and is becoming unbearable, and if there is no chance for you to express yourself to him, then i dont see any reason why to stay with him anylonger especially if theres little hope for him to change his ways. i say for the sake of the children try to give him another chance and put your children as a prioriy when it comes to staying with him, but if his abuse grows worse then put this into real consideration. But i also want to notify you that perhaps his character is like that without intending to purposely hurt you , i dont mean to justify how he behaves but iam suggesting that it maybe that he comes from a different background where such behavior is casual and normal in their family. Did you consider that? Or what is coming from him is something that is directed and intended? These are careful points you shouldnt miss out when you measure your situation before determining if you want to put it to an end. try to get a good advice from a person who knows you both and most imoortantly Trust. i wish for you and your kids the very best and i may they grow to love and honor and respect you, Ameen


answered 12 Jan '13, 10:12

springflower's gravatar image


edited 12 Jan '13, 10:30

well from what you are saying you chose your husband. your husband is the provider and the home belongs to him. so yes he as the last words on the home. he provide so he is the slave. if you made the choice to stay at home with the kids that is your parts. but he should give you money for the work you do. then you can also pay for restaurant and stuff in the house so you will also have your word to say about some stuff. you feel like a slave but he feels like a slave also he works to pay for everything. so when he gets home it is normal that he want to be the master in is home. the real question is what kind of master is he? is he just is he good or is he not fair and bad? you live with him you decide. also death does not solve annything. you will have to face the same thing again and again until you get it right.

if he does not want to see and face truth. and say he is the one perfect in truth then why is it not working. you say he does not like it when you or the kids complain but you are doing the same thing so you will have to work on the same problem. you judge him and he judge you. you are booth playing the same game. then why not stop playing that game? and work in harmony toward the same goal? something made you pick him and something make him pick you. is that not the basic of you being together? and making child together? what is the legacy booth of you want to leave to your child? since when did you start seeing each other as ennemy? and what is the cause? is there some truth that booth of you do not want to see?


answered 26 Jul '11, 13:31

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

edited 09 Jan '13, 05:29

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