The last two years I've intensely work on myself, figuring out what is that I really want. As you may know (from my previous questions) I've had a really strong desire to be a cop since I was like 7. Then some time ago I was also thinking that maybe I should join the army (but that didn't last more than a year). Right now I'm again focusing on becoming 5-0. That's all good till now but I think I have an unconscious desire for violence.

The deal with me is that I had a rough childhood (parents were abusing me verbally (almost every day) and occasionally physically (I was in fear all the time though cause I never knew when is that gonna be), not to mention they were yelling on each other nonstop (I still didn't forgive them but that's the topic for another time). Then I was bullied in an elementary school (mostly verbally, but threats were made), secondary school (only verbally) I started with bodybuilding otherwise would be physically too I guess.

I still live with my parents (and they are very negative, yelling on each other often, not on me though, well sometimes too). I'm 19. Don't say move out cause that's been my plan for like the last 10 years but I just can't seem to do that. I mean last week I came to conclusion that I can't do anything with brute force cause it doesn't work and even if it does it doesn't last long. So right now I know I need to just choose to be happy and then everything will fall into the place (including living on my own). Anyway let's go back to the main subject.

I was thinking why do I actually want to be a police officer and came to conclusion that I like adventure, it's not a regular 8 hours job (I get bored quickly), I get to chase the "bad" guys... But something inside of me tells me that I actually want to use violence and being a cop and using a violence on a violent perp is a good thing (I'm not talking about police brutality) as opposed to just smack somebody on the street for no reason.

And I can say that in my teenage years I was actually trying to be a criminal (not a hardcore criminal of course) but didn't have guts to do anything. I couldn't even hit the guy who was verbally mean to me (fear or something else..I don't now) so now maybe a part of me think that a badge will give me that power and courage to finally use violence against somebody (against criminals but still).

The bottom line is: I think I enjoy thinking about using violence. An example: 1) I was working as a security guard and I was just praying that something's gonna happen (robbery, theft... so that I could chase the guy and use violence against him. And part of me would even say "you're doing the right thing. He's a criminal. You're a hero") Now as I'm consciously trying to feel better and think more positive thoughts I actually started to think about that. And part of me doesn't want to use violence cause I feel bad afterwards (even if I think about it I feel bad) but part of me does want and enjoy it too (and I suspect that that's one of the main reasons I wanna be a cop). And no I'm not a schizophrenic personality. :D Is my desire for violence based on my childhood abuse and bullying?

What should I do? I would really like to hear your opinion on this, Stingray as well as the others. I appreciate I attracted this forum and I appreciate that I have so many friends I can count on. All the best. Tim

asked 29 Nov '12, 13:17

timmyy's gravatar image


edited 29 Nov '12, 13:36

@timmyy, please title your questions with a clear, specific question rather than a general statement. Please edit your question title now and replace it with a specific question. It makes it easier for others to understand what your question is about without needing to read the detail of it. Refer to the Inward Quest FAQ for further information: Thanks

(29 Nov '12, 13:19) Barry Allen ♦♦

Sorry for that. Won't happen again. :)

(29 Nov '12, 13:37) timmyy

@timmyy, thank you

(29 Nov '12, 14:46) Barry Allen ♦♦

Pardon my language. Your story is nice and fluff, but unless you are being abused at this very moment, what happened to you in the past just doesn't matter. Just forget that shit and go create.

Doesn't matter what, just create. A picture, sculpture, song, body of your dreams, electromagnetic pulse warp engine.

Simply express yourself in an act of creation. You will learn 'bout yourself, life and love. Feeling of fulfillment? At your grasp, in creation...

(30 Nov '12, 04:05) CalonLan's all around you. Just look past what just meets your eye. In creation is joy and happiness. You create dreams and cloud castles with your thoughts, you create things with your hands. Kids are overjoyed when building stuff of sand. If your body is healthy, it creates new and new cells, new energy. And you feel what? Fucking great. If you're unhealthy, body gets destroyed and you feel like shit.

This or forever wondering about techniques to make you happy while you destroy stuff.

(30 Nov '12, 04:11) CalonLan

I tried to forget but deep down it was still bugging me and I think the desire for violence is a good example of this..

(30 Nov '12, 06:47) timmyy

Results. People are tied to past and the future, keeping focus away from the present moment because they desire results. Either results for present based on their past, or results for future based on their present.

So what are you trying to achieve? What result you desire?

(30 Nov '12, 07:00) CalonLan
showing 2 of 7 show 5 more comments

Is my desire for violence based on my childhood abuse and bullying?

Quite possibly. The way you describe your childhood sounds alot like mine actually :)

As a result of that upbringing, in those younger years, I came to believe that violence was a solution, a way of life to getting what I wanted.

Also, like you, I wanted to use (and often did use) my violence for "positive" purposes - or at least what I believed was "positive" :) - though not in an establishment-based manner such as the army or police force.

What I discovered was that a violence-based approach to life is a game you can never win. Violence begets violence. Even if you beat up one "bad guy", you soon attract more and more of them...until your life becomes a never-ending battle of fighting with and running from "bad guys". No matter how many you deal with, more just seem to keep appearing out of nowhere :)

This was long, long, long before I understood any ideas about Law of Attraction but, even then, I came to the conclusion that violent solutions were never going to be good for me in the long term.

Like you, there was a part of me that kept prodding from within that there had to be a better way.

Anyway, I don't much like dwelling on the details of my past so let's take a look at practicalities for dealing with this...

Here's what I would do to handle this today - instead of beating up the bad guys :)

You'll notice that this is an extremely streamlined variation of the ideas in Manifesting Experiment 4

  • Find a clearing method that works for you. There's some advice on this in Manifesting Experiment 4. These days I really only use Focus Blocks/Wheels, Faster EFT (especially the remarkable Super Power Quick Tap) and occasionally Sedona Method variants.

  • These next steps are going to make you feel really bad for a while, while you get in touch with the vibrational roots of your issues. I would suggest making sure you cannot be interrupted until the process is complete otherwise you may end up punching someone :)

  • Make a list of every memory or event in your life where you have felt disempowered or helpless. This might take a while. Just let those scenarios flood out of you. You are going to feel pretty terrible as you do's normal.

  • Now for each memory and event, make a list of all the emotions you felt at that time. You can also do this as you initially think of each memory or event.

  • You should now be feeling absolutely horrible ...don't worry, it's normal :)

  • For every emotion on your emotions list, ask yourself if there is anything in your life now (or ever has been in the past), that has also made you feel like that emotion.

  • If you can think of any further memories and events that give rise to those emotions, add them to your brainstorming because they are vibrationally connected. Extract the emotions from them in the same manner as described above.

  • Keep repeating the above process until you've listed every memory or event that has caused you pain, and you've extracted all the major emotions from them.

  • You now have in front of you the key to your emotional freedom.

  • If you can clear the negative emotions that you've listed (using your preferred clearing method), that will also clear the painful memories and events for good...because you are clearing all the vibrational causes, rather than just the symptoms.

  • This clearing might take a while if you are applying a one-at-a-time clearing method. Or it can take just a few minutes using something like Faster EFT's Super Power Quick Tap approach - my own personal preferred choice for a "major" clean-up. However long it takes, you only have to do it once ever, so it's worth the time investment.

  • When the clearing is done, go back and read every memory and event you've written and see whether it triggers any negative emotion within you. If it does, clear it immediately.

  • Also read through every emotion you've listed as connected to those memories and events and see whether anything negative is triggered. If you sense anything, clear it immediately.

  • Your target is to be able to read everything you listed and feel no negative emotional reaction at all.

  • If you can do this, you're now free and clear and you can re-evaluate your life decisions from a newer, fresher and reliable personal perspective. If you still decide to become a police officer, you can have the reassurance that you are doing it from a place of inspiration rather than a hidden desire for revenge.

  • Not only will this clear up all your violent tendencies, it will transform many other areas of your life too. So if you manage to reach this point, well done, and welcome to a new You :)


answered 30 Nov '12, 04:55

Stingray's gravatar image


edited 30 Nov '12, 08:04


You've probably heard that numerous times but you really know how to help people. Thank you very much. :)

(30 Nov '12, 07:11) timmyy

@timmyy - You're welcome

(30 Nov '12, 08:04) Stingray

@Stingray Can you briefly explain the "Super Power Quick Tap". I never heard of that one and cannot find information on it.

(30 Nov '12, 09:09) releaser99

@releaser99 - I originally learned it from Disc 3 of Training II ( ). Since then, Robert G Smith now appears to be calling it just the "Super Power Tap". I had a look around the internet and found this video uploaded by him regarding the "Quick Tap":

If, before you do the QT, you stack up multiple bad feeling emotional states within, the method becomes the SPT - and that knocks them all down at once.

(30 Nov '12, 13:55) Stingray

@releaser99 - He gives an example of the exact QT technique in that YouTube video though I'm not sure how understandable it's going to be to someone without the associated course.

Manifesting Experiment 4 deliberately contains the SPT multiple state-stacking approach when you are asked to create a long list of emotional states. The "stacking" happens automatically as you experience multiple painful states at once from reactivating multiple painful memories within a short time.

(30 Nov '12, 13:59) Stingray

@Stingray fantastic! thank you! i think i get the idea. it sounds simple but brilliant.

(30 Nov '12, 14:09) releaser99
showing 2 of 6 show 4 more comments

The classic line, "What you resist persists" comes to mind. Just embrace it and face your desire head on or it could become a life regret. Join a boxing gym or a martial arts academy and see how it feels to really fight. Go to a paint ball gun facility and act out a sniper battle. The real thing is not like the movies so experience it for yourself in a socialy acceptable way. If you wish you remove your desire, experience it first hand so you can learn, grow and move on. If you want to know more about being a police officer, call the police department and ask for an interview. Ask them how often they are required to use violence. Thank you


answered 29 Nov '12, 17:22

Brian's gravatar image


I bought a punching bag a while ago so I could express my anger in a safe manner.. Never really used it. Maybe I'm ready now to lift my depression into anger. Thanks.

(30 Nov '12, 06:55) timmyy


Just the fact that you are aware of this feeling, cared enough to ask this question, and shared a little of your difficult childhood with all of us in the process, speaks volumes about your character.

You are obviously wise, strong-minded and brave, and if you determine within yourself to use your authority or physical advantage responsibly, I have no concerns. I believe you will make a great cop.

Go be what you have always wanted to be, and enjoy your life, I think you are just fine. It may be that we all secretly would like to beat the tar out of the badguys sometimes. :)


answered 29 Nov '12, 23:55

Grace's gravatar image



That means a lot to me. Thank you. :)

(30 Nov '12, 04:59) timmyy

Until you deal with having been violated- meaning that all your abusers and tormentors still are living in your head, rent-free- you will never be free of the need for violence.

I should know. I was seriously abused as a child, and even though a woman, have had to deal with rage and the desire to rip someone's head off from time to time. "Violence begets violence, as dog begets dog"...(From Ben-Hur). Emotional and physical abuse is often a family disease, just like alcoholism. You have identified one problem- you need to get out of that house. You need to put yourself in the hands of a good domestic violence program. It is all well and good to say that what you resist persists, but you have been programmed from birth to expect your environment to be one of unease and unexpected outbursts of some sort of bad stuff. You would not know what it mean if you slept somewhere where there was peace- a place you could think and unlearn that stuff you were programmed to expect from the world.

You can do all the things suggested here- it is all applicable and good- but until you really, really dig down, and get to the bottom of your past, and get free from your abusive environment, you will still crave violence.

I just told my sleep counselor that my idea of the perfect bedroom would be a cast-iron bunker with concrete walls and an eight-inch-thick combination door. The bunker would have a firm bed and I would have an Ouzi to sleep with. Period. She started to cry for me. That is what my childhood left me with...and I have worked long and hard to find peace within myself and be free of all of the past. It is easy for some people to give advice, but unless you haven't lived in it, you cannot know the Beast that sits inside you and demands restitution for a lost childhood that will never be regained.

The answer is to search for peaceful people, love, and a good domestic violence counselor. Then you roll up your sleeves and dump all the crap that roils around inside you all the time.

I now live with Wade, and it is the first time in my life that I feel safe and can look forward to peace. It also helps me to know that he is a Sixth-Degree Black Belt and that I really am safe!

Get to work, get out, and move up the emotional ladder to love and peace, Tim. All your hard work will be worth it, I promise you!

Bless your honesty and courage,



answered 30 Nov '12, 01:01

Jaianniah's gravatar image


edited 30 Nov '12, 01:02

It's nice to hear from someone who speaks from experience. I've thought about eft but just can't push myself to do it. Thanks Jaianniah. Have a great day!

(30 Nov '12, 06:59) timmyy

Push yourself to something, Tim! It is time- you have identified the trouble. Get going! You will save your own life! Bless you and love, Jai

(30 Nov '12, 10:16) Jaianniah

wow..jai, perfect answer..

(30 Nov '12, 11:21) supergirl
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments

if you want the truth i will tell you. you have over flow of the heart and it produce evil,violence,hate. why because you have been affected by it around you most of your life. and you have never understood that violence bring violence. what you do will also be done to you. if you judge you will be judge with the same mesure. if you live by the sword you will die by the sword. you are seeking for justice and power. but you do not know that you are that justice and power. what ever job or costume you put on it will never solve that fact if you become a cop for returning violence to other people you will only make matter worse. cop are there to protec and to serve. the only way to solve that problem is to meditate make your water calm and pure. darkness cannot exist in the let there be light,Be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.


answered 29 Nov '12, 22:16

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger

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