Great self-esteem comes from within. Cool comes from within.
One of the traits I've noticed amongst the most legendary of characteristics is to not care what others think of you. If you do, you immediatly have issues related to self-love, confidence and self-acceptance.
Stingray has given me a quick tip in the past, when I asked him, "how do you learn to not care what others think of you?"
His response was "practise", which I feel was a great starting block.
Having now gained the liberty of not caring what others think, I can confidently say it did take me a while to develop the unconscious skill.
I've noticed that I stop caring what others think of me when I place my attention on other people. When I'm at work (customer service), I don't care what others think of me perhaps because my intentions are on getting their needs met instead of mine.
What exercises would you recommend to insecure people to gain this trait? Do you care what others think?
asked 04 Jun '13, 03:10
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Great question Nikulas.
This has been a lifelong process for me so Stingray is spot on when he says it takes practise. Several key points moved it on for me though.
Firstly, the realisation that you can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time. At some point you have to soothe yourself through those moments when someone is not pleased with you because you aren't doing what they want. You have to actually move through the uncomfortable feelings of being disapproved of - more difficult for some of us than others.
Secondly, "being yourself" is a cliche but a really important part of self acceptance. I found it really helpful grasping the fact that it was Okay not to be at the centre of everything. I found I actually gravitated towards people who I had more in common with rather than trying to fit in with large numbers of people I wasn't that interested in in the first place. Friend numbers on Facebook makes this particularly difficult for young people. Do yourself a favour and free yourself from worrying about being universally liked! If you don't like yourself then any number of friends is not going to fill that hole.
Thirdly, to make real progress with this at some point you have to turn and face yourself. This can be a painful process. I'd done some shadow work in the past, half heartedly, but the best and quickest way to do this is to get a natal birth chart astrology reading and ask for total honesty from the astrologer (or do it on line). The natal birth chart gives a highly accurate picture of your personality - warts and all. Once I was aware of the things lurking in my shadow I felt lightened - just shedding light on these things, led to improvement. With knowledge I was able to work on the less desirable aspects of my character/personality and I also had insights into how others might view me. Self acceptance leads to the not caring so much what others think you mention in your question because once you know yourself and accept yourself it matters much less what other people think of you.
It is an ongoing process - the only danger in not caring so much about what other people think is that it can make you careless about other people's feelings - I don't think you would ever fall into that trap N but worth mentioning here anyway. The ideal is to accept yourself and everyone else - now that does take some practise!
answered 04 Jun '13, 05:24
I really appreciate your honesty. I've talked about in another answer that the keys to self-love all branch to confidence, self-esteem and acceptance of yourself. I feel "being yourself" means you're being yourself 100%; you acknowledge others yet you don't feel so dependant on their comments to flux how you feel, because you decide that instead of them. Also you're not really worried of their reactions and thus you can flow through interactions easier.
Super fly answer sister :)
(04 Jun '13, 05:36) Nikulas
@Catherine do you have any recommendations for the natal birth chart if one wants to get it done? I think it is ok to post just the naked link (i.e no affiliate)
(05 Jun '13, 10:43) kakaboo
@Catherine - Wonderful answer. :) "... at some point you have to turn and face yourself..." Pure truth.
(05 Jun '13, 23:34) Grace
@Grace Thank you @Kakaboo I had an astrologer read my chart - this has several advantages in that they can view it in a wholistic way. Instinctively they can tell you the main themes and the solutions. The problem with this is that they probably won't give you the low down on your darker side. For this I went to several websites - astrotheme is the best - quite hard hitting, cafe astrology, astrodienst, etc all do free natal birth charts. You will need the time of birth though.
(06 Jun '13, 02:52) Catherine
Whilst the topic is still hot, I found this:
(13 Jun '13, 21:44) Nikulas
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I don't worry about it too much, but if I find myself knocked out of the vortex due to caring about what someone else thinks, I have found the quick exercises in these videos helpful:
Hope these help! All best.
answered 04 Jun '13, 19:02
Absolutely - what others think of us - is NOT our business.. Great links @lozenge123 w/that said - will delete my comment to Bill..
(04 Jun '13, 19:22) ele
@lozenge123- Sorry for the late response! Yeah I totally can see how when I'm not feeling the best it is during those moments I may 'slip up' at times and worry about how I look etc...Nice contribution :)
(09 Jun '13, 03:27) Nikulas
No, no, and um...not really no:-)
The only thing that matters is what I think of me. Judgement of others is simply a deep rooted judgement of yourself anyways. What a person thinks of me is their own business and baggage. It hasn't got anything to do with me. It's all about the reflection they see in the mirror everyday.
A few of the techniques that I use which I have mentioned before are the Stop, Drop, and Roll change of awareness and the Repetition of things that make me feel good habit that I mentioned in an earlier question that you asked.
For me the key is to get into a habit (or choice) of reacting in the way that I prefer in every now moment event that flows into my experience of life. When a new repetitive action takes root, the old one will eventually die off and rot away.
I also like to keep things as simple as I can in situations like these. As an example...
"A person says something negative to me, or gestures something negative towards me, or looks at me angrily, or makes me slightly paranoid that they are thinking bad about me...etc."
So what...So what..........So what?
Two very powerful words of wisdom that my good pal Bashar has inspired me to recently start using more often.
"The collective agreement says, any individual can experience any collective it wants - Bashar"
So since we can experience our own personal collective at any time we choose, why should we care what others think about us when we are the ones actually creating the reflections of "those others" in the first place.
If we don't like the collective consciousness that is showing up in our reality everyday, we get the easy choice of choosing a different one any time we choose to do so.
I'm glad to hear how good you are doing lately @Nikulas. You are a great example of The law of attraction in action. Keep living the good life my friend:)
answered 05 Jun '13, 03:04
I love stop drop and roll and use this also :)
I also admit to thinking "Fk it!!" as a good way to get my power or focus back.
(05 Jun '13, 07:29) clearheart
Great to see you Cory. My heart warms at your honest sentiment towards me.
(05 Jun '13, 10:35) Nikulas
@clearheart I'm glad to hear that the stop, drop, roll technique has helped you.
"I also admit to thinking "Fk it!!" as a good way to get my power or focus back." I love this. I also use this awesome technique myself:) It can be a great way to instantly release resistance when it comes from a point of empowerment and not dis-empowerment.
(06 Jun '13, 00:06) Cory
@Cory every your comment is inspired by Bashar. I fucking love it !!! Do you successfuly use his teachings in everyday life ?
(06 Jun '13, 11:26) Marin
@Marin Yes I do. Bashar seems to resonate on a deeper level for me than any other teacher I have come across to date. I have immersed myself in the teachings and synchronicity always seems to be present in my life. This especially started happening when I began putting quotes that I enjoy the most all over my house where I could easily see and read them everyday. It's like a constant affirmation of things that make me feel good and I am as stress free as I have ever been.
(07 Jun '13, 13:48) Cory
@Cory- Excellent answer Cory. Your are also a great example of LOA in action. :)
(07 Jun '13, 14:47) Satori
@Satori Thank you, and I also wish to reflect that statement back to yourself as well;):)
(09 Jun '13, 00:51) Cory
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one day I realized that most everybody I know has a seed of lack at some point; and if that is so then how could they know more or be more than me. I look at people who run businesses and gov't. and they seem like they are also flying by the seat of their pants. So if they don't know about their own self, hth could they know about me and my stuff.
I study abraham and bashar and pray always to Jesus my Lord and saviour.
I love the idea that first I do have to feel good in order to make good decisions. I aim to focus on the now and think good thoughts and plans for my future self. I tell my new story about everything always works out better for me than I can imagine.
I also like to treat others in kind equally cause that is an idea I want to promote. It has taken some time to shed old behavior patterns that caused me to ridicule or treat someone in an unkind way. I love being able to grow and learn to be who I want to be and expect that kindness and high integrity from others too. I love these studies.
And armed with this I can see that it really does not matter what they might think or want. It's my focus and my response. Even in a situation where I am doing what another decides, when I do it with that knowledge that all things work for my good no matter what it looks like-then I am able to think better thougts about me and my life.
Then of course they get to live,think,feel however they need to for their own journey and it won't 'get on me'. I can shake it off and know my truth.
answered 04 Jun '13, 05:37
I love the contribution of sharing. Just got to say, good user name selection "clearheart"
(04 Jun '13, 05:49) Nikulas
@clearheart perhaps you should run for an elected office - you get my vote...
(04 Jun '13, 18:25) ele
This is one thing that I have also been trying to practise and work on whenever I have the chance to do so. Although I can't say that I can completely ignore other people's opinions about myself now, I can confidently say that I can handle them a lot more better than I could a few months or a year ago.
One thing I have noticed that when people start to form opinions about you, they are usually trying to elicit a response from you. If you actually manage to control your own emotions and ignore them completely instead, you can see them getting frustrated and getting even angrier at you and forming even nastier opinions about you. Once you have done this a few times, you get really a kick out of this and laughing at them in your heart secretly, compared to getting all flared up and arguing back with them instead.
Once I also read a quote from a famous person, I think he was Robert Kiyosaki: the most successful people in this world gets rejected the most. Today I have this amount of success because I have as many people rejecting me as much as people who support me.
Of course the quote is not exactly word-for-word, but something along the lines and similar, and I am sure most would get the point.
answered 04 Jun '13, 08:44
Yes I have noticed this opinion/response hamster wheel. It is fun to have control over my alignment and set my own confident tone.
(04 Jun '13, 09:10) clearheart
Loved the truth in the second paragraph and I've fallen in love with the Kiyosaki quote. Thanks for sharing. Good to see ya btw
(04 Jun '13, 10:37) Nikulas
Caring what other people think is probably a side effect of our parents trying to train us to be civilized human beings. The first thing, is to notice that we are judging ourselves through other people's eyes. For me, once I realized this, I could see how unfair it was for me to judge myself, and also how unfair for me to assume what other people are thinking. Realizing that I am probably wrong about what I think other people think about me really helped. Then, if I really think I am right about it, I ask, "So what if they think that? How is that going to hurt me?" Sometimes that makes it all so silly. Then, if I still have a problem, I remember that it's none of my business what other people think anyway. And then, I give myself the benefit of the doubt, and realize that I am doing the best that I can. I think that this is a big part of loving yourself.
answered 04 Jun '13, 10:08
Whoa there, Hondo! Sounds a bit altruistic. Is getting their needs met, (instead of yours) getting your needs met? How do you know they are getting their needs met? Does getting their needs met give you a good feeling? How about when you can't get their needs met? Do you feel badly?
I do applaud you for your changes. I have noticed a rapid articulate maturation in your posts. You have come a long way and I really like that. Do you feel better after reading this? Well, it's true, but I suggest that the more you understand that you operate from self-interest, the happier you can be.
What I mean is that you look within and decide what makes you happiest in the moment, right now!. the key words are "RIGHT NOW." And what other people think is irrelevant.
And, I also suggest that you change the wording from
To: What do I think about mySelf? How can I feel best in this situation. How can I get MY needs met?
When Anne and I walk into a possibly knotty situation, we used to say, "I want to walk out of here feeling great, and I trust mySelf, My Source, to give the guidance."
Now we say this every day. That is our "exercise" and it does take practice.
answered 04 Jun '13, 08:55
When Anne and I walk into a possibly knotty situation, we used to say, "I want to walk out of here feeling great, and I trust mySelf, My Source, to give the guidance."
I like this, and yes better to allow the other do their own work. If I'm a cooperative component then that is good, still it's not my job to make them feel better,do better,be better. they are right where they are at that point in time and I don't know their journey.
(04 Jun '13, 09:08) clearheart
@clearheart - the most, the very MOST you can do for another is to focus on their good qualities. If you can't find any, make some up!
(04 Jun '13, 09:27) Dollar Bill
@Dollar Bill- I feel you have taken your first paragraphs point slightly out of context; to re-state my point, I am saying that in the work I do the entire concept is (regardless that I'm getting payed for it) to just serve a customer. I'm not worried about how I look, if I make their day or not or even how I feel when I'm focusing in the moment on them. I've noticed during those moments my self-consciousness drops significantly, that was the point I was articulating.
(04 Jun '13, 10:42) Nikulas
@Dollar Bill- I greatly agree with "What do I think about my Self?"
I stated the post in the manner "caring what other people think of you" because most people loosly understand what I'm trying to get across when they initially read the question, which revolves around self-acceptance, which I feel you have worded well in "What do I think of my Self?"
(04 Jun '13, 10:45) Nikulas
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its is ok to care. But to not let it bother you mean that you are not at peace with your self or other. If you are not at peace with other it is because they are doing something that is not right and that you see no solution to the problem. is it your problem in the first place? Or do you let it become your problem? To the measure you judge also will you be judge. eventually you will use discernment and truth and fix the problem inside and outside.(born of water) The truth will set you free. and you will overcome and go above.(born of spirit) Even if people judge you and do all kind of evil and stupid things they are hurting them self and other. That is the level they are at and they do not know it if they would know it they would make every effort to change their way. until they grow forgive them they do not know what they are doing.
Let there be light, Be the light that you can be, Experience and enjoy.
answered 04 Jun '13, 19:08
The simple answer to this is to raise your vibration ( get in the Vortex or as close as) daily with a process that works for you.
As you raise your vibration the limiting beliefs you hold just simply become too painful to think about leaving you no choice but to let them go.
As you start to gravitate to being Who You Truly Are on a daily basis you will realise that when your being Who You Truly Are you will not care one iota what others think of you:)
This simple process of touching the Vortex daily has worked for me and continues to work. I use the Advanced Focus Blocks Method by Stingray. Hope this helps.
answered 10 Jun '13, 05:07
Yes, the hindering beliefs become too painful to think about and you have no choice but to let them go, those are some empowering words.
Just to add (for newbies to the idea), even if you don't necessarily know how to let limiting beliefs go (such as Bashars limiting belief questions), if you stick with raising your frequency you eventually do end up attracting ways to allow you to let go of those beliefs and experience more pleasure.
(10 Jun '13, 07:00) Nikulas
This where ego properly used can help. Everything has a purpose. You see it expressed here often kill the ego.
While it's true killing the ego would keep you from caring what others think. It would as well stop you from thinking good about yourself.
Ego poorly applied worries about image and how others see you.
Ego properly applied creates image, it says I don't need your approval because you don't know me. I'll do this my way, get out of my way and watch me!
These are the top dogs that can do this, the leaders and trail blazers.
When I play my guitar for people, I can mess up bad if I think they heard a error. But when I am really getting into my playing and enjoying it, it is like they are not even there.
When you are really being yourself and enjoying that moment, you are not worrying what others think.
answered 05 Jun '13, 16:50
Every body makes error and that is the truth. Yet we can learn from mistake and better our self. why stand in division judging and inequity? To praise our self? is that really good?
(05 Jun '13, 18:41) white tiger
Read books and audio books by Brene Brown. These will help you and answer all your questions about caring what others think.
answered 12 Jun '13, 13:03
I also like Karen Casey
(12 Jun '13, 20:11) clearheart
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There are two things. One is power. Two is to have nothing to lose. You care what people think of you because you believe their opinion has power to help or hurt you. This is all this boils down to, you care because you believe it actually matters.
So start by asking yourself the question. Does it?
Don't fall under the illusion that self-esteem, self-confidence and not caring what people think of you are the same thing. Cynicism gives you "not caring" but it doesn't give you "cool" and cool itself is not the same as self-esteem which is not the same as self-confidence.
Would it matter to you if people thought you were a terrorist? A child molester? Considering this could result in you being locked up in prison, it should. The same applies to all other cases. If you intend to live with others, it matters what people think of you. What you describe as "cool" is high social status. High social status is power. The alpha wolf cares what other wolves think of him but he does this from a position of power.
The other wolves have to police themselves in order to avoid stepping in the alpha wolf's toes. Basically it's them making sure they stick to their role. The alpha wolf has to stick to the role of alpha and the betas have to stick to the role of beta. So instead of thinking in absolutes, think in terms of the role you are playing, because you'll play one consciously or unconsciously. Do this until the role is automatic, just like the one you are sticking to now.
Note the example you gave of losing inhibition when servicing others. That is classic low status mentality. You have an excuse to do whatever you are doing, you are helping others. So you feel safe because you know others won't think you are helping yourself, which you don't feel you have full permission to do. You are fulfilling your low status role in which you feel safe.
There is one tip that I could give, but which could backfire. That is to be conscious of what you are doing/thinking around/in relation to others. This helps you identify the role you are playing. If you don't like the role, the anger/disgust at the realization that you are playing it will motivate you to shift your thinking. The problem is when you are too rooted in it to shift; this will strengthen your self-identification with the role because now you are playing it consciously.
The essential thing is to believe you have power (even if it comes through "metaphysical" means). That is self-confidence, belief in your own power. If that belief is false you'll crash and burn at some point but you can bluff your way through life somewhat. Ever heard "power corrupts"? That is why.