I have been really interested in knowing what it is like when a person chooses to surrender to something that has been a "large issue" in their life for a long time (or was just largely significant regardless of the time span). When I say "give up", I'm not meaning in any extremely negative way (e.g. suicide).
I just mean, something that became such an exhausting theme for you that you just couldn't bear to deal with it anymore. I'm curious to know what this is like for people- how did it feel to finally release that burden? What did you go through once you made that decision? What changed in your life when you finally let go of it? How did your perception of the situation change?
If it helps you to answer this question, I'll go into a little more detail to where this is coming from. This isn't a unique story by any means, it's actually something I feel many people deal with. I have, for a long time, cared for one particular person. This person is different than anyone I've ever met, but as much as I care about them, I make myself miserable over them. I never get the feedback I desire from this person. I've never struggled so much with one particular person. I haven't had luck discovering what it is about this person and this situation that I'm struggling with, and it's been going on for quite awhile. What I've been feeling lately is just "giving up". That I have been trying too hard for too long with this, and have become so exhausted that when it is brought up I just feel the need to push it away. I haven't quite let this whole thing go yet... but I'm excited about finally being done with it. I want more insight on what something like this is like for others... since I'm not quite where I want to be with it. What is it like to finally be at that point and move on? Or, does anyone have advice on how I could view this situation differently and allow myself some peace?
asked 04 Jan '14, 01:22
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I've been through this needing-others-to-behave-differently thing many times in my life and here is what I've found works well (and what doesn't work well)...
What doesn't work well
It doesn't work well when you try to take your existing view of the person's behavior that is bothering you and try to force it into something that feels better to you.
The problem here is that in order to know whether the person's behavior has changed to something more pleasing, you keep comparing the old and new behaviors, even if that comparison happens almost non-consciously, and that keeps reactivating the vibration of the old, unpleasing behavior which keeps it around longer. It certainly can be done this way but it's alot of hard work as compared to the following idea...
What works well
What I find is highly effective instead is to embrace Bashar's notion that in every moment, a new reality is created with the potential for everything to be completely different.
In other words, you no longer try to wrestle with changing someone who is behaving in a way that you don't like into someone who behaves in a way you do like instead....you just acknowledge to yourself that you are going to allow yourself to move into a different reality where they already behave the way you prefer and you are going to interact with that New Person instead...and you keep going back to your inner vision of that New Person whenever you have no choice but to interact with them before your vibrational shifting has stabilized.
Moving to an already-fixed reality is a subtle shift in thinking but I find it quite freeing and empowering because, once you embrace it...
...you never have to change anyone in your life, you just let yourself shift to a reality where they are already the way you prefer :)
So, to relate this to your question, the "giving up" or "surrendering" that happens is not one of somehow accepting behavior you don't like and implicitly resigning yourself to it, but is instead a more empowering attitude of releasing your attachment to a reality where you feel compelled to bully What-Is into something different.
answered 04 Jan '14, 03:09
I have heard this idea from him before but I've never thought of it in this way... it makes a lot of sense. The "what doesn't work well" way is definitely the way I've been approaching it.. you're right, I find it doesn't work very well either. :) Thank you!
(05 Jan '14, 14:14) LapisLazuli
This is great advice, as always. I've done this on lots of different subjects and it does work and very fast too. :))))
(14 Jan '14, 11:05) Yes
It's the relief that works I think. Because you instantly see things as you prefer. It wipes out all the need for vibrational work. So you would say: Oh, phew, Person A is acting perfectly towards me now and keeps doing so, lucky me, now what else can I think about because that desire has worked out as I wanted it too. So, next desire please!
(14 Jan '14, 11:15) Yes
@Stingray-great answer as always. Cannot this approach be used for changes circumstances of all kinds?
(14 Jan '14, 12:46) Zee
@Zee - "Cannot this approach be used for changes circumstances of all kinds?" - Of course. The subject matter is irrelevant, it's the finding of an excuse to let go of what's preventing the change from happening that counts i.e. stopping observing current reality so much so that your new reality dominates your vibration instead and thereby materializes as your new current reality. See Will my new house manifest?
(19 Jan '14, 06:23) Stingray
@Stingray Does this mean that actually anybody can behave just the way we want and like? For example: literally any person can behave as an ideal partner for me, if I choose so?
(01 May '17, 06:10) Marin
@Marin - "anybody can behave just the way we want and like?" - Everything is possible but not everything is probable. In my experience, when you think of someone, you automatically activate your beliefs about them. Even if you shift to a new reality, you are still taking those beliefs with you. If you can truly believe they can be how you want, they might well match up - otherwise clattering may occur. I find it easier to just enjoy feeling better and let the Universe sort it all out.
(03 May '17, 03:24) Stingray
showing 2 of 7 show 5 more comments
Terrifying. Incredibly freeing and empowering. Worth it.
When all is said and done, for me anyway, it is about trust and self respect. You trust that you will be fine if you respect yourself enough to let go of something that is not right for you. Then you just light yourself on fire and walk out on that wire.
I had this kind of experience a couple of months ago, and it has been life changing on so many levels, all of it very positive. After the dust settled, I found it so much easier to take good care of myself - to say no to things and to people when I need to, and not feel bad. That is part of why it is so freeing - once you make that decision to put the care of yourself first, everything changes. I much more easily say yes to what is good in life, so life is getting better and better.
I have much less struggle with figuring out what is the "right" thing to do. I see now that if it is right for me, it is right, period. So much good stems from that, it's hard to describe. It all works out - I know it can sound incredibly selfish, but it works out because when you are fully you, your vibration is so high you create more of what is good around you, for yourself and for others. It also makes life much easier for anyone who loves you and hates to see you struggle, or to see your light dimmed in any way.
It has given me new perspective and insight that I couldn't have predicted. It turned out that there were facets of this same situation all over my life. Easy to see and deal with now, so more changes and goodness are flowing from many different sources, into these areas, too. Of course, when you feel so free and happy, you will just attract more reasons to feel free and happy. I have never looked back. Not once.
I let go. I lived. I'm living happily ever after. I have no doubt at all that you will too. Good decision. Good for you!
Sending you lots of encouraging strength and love,
answered 04 Jan '14, 02:24
@Grace- Such a beautiful answer! Thank you so much, Grace...and have a Blessed New Year! Love, Jai ♥
(04 Jan '14, 04:32) Jaianniah
Thank you for sharing this... it's really empowering :) I am happy for you!
(05 Jan '14, 14:11) LapisLazuli
Well, Lapis, I have to admit that I am not very good at surrendering...So perhaps I should not be writing at all. But I can so relate to your situation that I just had to say something....
I guess I bought into my dear old Dad's All-American "Do it or Die" way of facing life, even when in my heart, I knew I was doing the wrong thing for myself. I've even used the Bible to justify some pretty foolish decisions. When my ex-husband wanted to leave Illinois and move to Mississippi to start a business, I knew it was wrong. Not necessarily for him, but definitely for me! I prayed over it, and that Bible verse about "Whither thou goest" popped into my head, and I convinced myself that I was doing the Will of God Himself by tearing up our family's roots and leaving our home. I just couldn't admit, even to myself, that I was not up to doing what he wanted. I was afraid of losing him. I was afraid, period.
I guess that is what us at the heart of it- FEAR. We get afraid that if we change, other people may not approve of us. Disapproval hurts. But I tell you, that move was the beginning of total disaster for me, and my ex-husband, and my family. For me, it was especially bad. I lacked the courage of my convictions. I lacked trust in my own heart. Most of all, I did not think that John would consider giving up the idea at all, and was afraid that he would leave me behind with our four children to raise alone.
If only I had just surrendered to this fact: I did not want to accept that I was afraid to say, "No!"
It all is still a muddle, but I think that it is gradually sorting itself out. What I see now is that I lacked acceptance- of myself, of what I knew to be real and true, and I failed even to stand up for what I knew deep down to be God's Will for me.
God has blessed me with a new life here in Pennsylvania, and with a man with whom I can truly be myself. I knew that my life was on the line when I left Mississippi, and I finally, finally surrendered to the fact that I had made a mess of things, and I needed to get back up North where I could perhaps change myself for the better.
Wade is a wonderful man and a dear and accepting person. I have followed my heart, and my gut, and it feels good to have given up on Mississippi.
I have a long, long way to go yet, but I know that I will get there if I keep listening to that Voice in my heart and and doing the true will of God.
Your question could not have come at a more pivotal time for me, LapisLazuli. It has made clear for me that sometimes you have to surrender to win!
I am so happy for you. Trust in your heart, and raise up your soul to a new level. You will feel great!
Lots of Love and Luck,
answered 04 Jan '14, 05:14
Thank you for sharing this! I think fear has been a big component for me as well regarding this situation. I'm glad that I chose to ask this question :)
(05 Jan '14, 14:14) LapisLazuli
Out of the worlds hundred richest people today, 73 are self-made. Of the self-made,18 have no college degree and 36 are children of poor parents, but some billionaires had neither a degree nor wealthy parents. In other words,super-achievers are not born, they are self-made people. There is no point where one can say: this is my rock-bottom. Not realizing one's own worth (being the exact representation of God's very being (Mathew 23:9) causes some to give up!
answered 04 Jan '14, 07:47
T D Joseph
To surrender to the situation is to see the futility of continuation of the confrontation.
You see that there is a fork in the road. You have chosen the right fork and the other the left fork. You see that the more you fight the wider the fork gets, until you realize that there is no convincing this person of your point of view because you are on the right fork and the other is on the left fork.
So when you see that, you have to turn your back and walk away. The hardest part is walking away from someone actively trying the ruin you because you know the damage is done and as you walk away you will still be getting damaged.
It hurts a lot but you see no point in continuing the correction and rebuttal. In this case you walk away a destroyed person apparently defeated because you gave up defending yourself.
There is nothing but emptiness in this but it is better than the anger. It is a depression but you go because it is pointless to continue.
Slowly you pick up the shattered pieces of what you once believed in about yourself and go away to start over someplace else, you feel the loss but leave it to bury itself.
There are others that understand you, there are other places to go. Eventually hope raises again and the seasons of mood change for the better as you leave behind the old hurt for new found happiness.
answered 04 Jan '14, 23:30
cry me a river......
(05 Jan '14, 00:35) ele
do you really need to defend your self if you are trying to help someone. and they seek only division to praise them self? and they see your help as against them. every one as free will so of course it is pointless to attack or defend. it is better to be like light and water being the smallest and biggest number. can you destroy light or water? the one that make the choice to remain in darkness does not see what he is doing.
(05 Jan '14, 02:18) white tiger
what is the middle and the smallest number? it is o. what is the biggest number that contain all the number it is o. what is the symbol of infinity is it not 2 interconnected o. take that infinity symbol and ply it on the center so both side arrive together what do you get?o. what are 2 person divided from them self 2 o. add o+o you get o. the smallest number is in the middle of the biggest number(o).
(05 Jan '14, 02:33) white tiger
count to 9 in every direction.(9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9). what is 10? is it not another number next to the smallest number?
(05 Jan '14, 02:33) white tiger
@white tiger you are right, see the other person for what or where that person is then choose to stay in the light.
(05 Jan '14, 02:35) Wade Casaldi
(05 Jan '14, 02:47) white tiger
Wade Casaldi Nice reply!
(06 Jan '14, 01:32) T D Joseph
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Essentially, it could be engaged by accepting the way we face anything properly.
AT FIRST: HAVING TRUST
As the beginner, formerly, we need to build our beliefs system whether through logical or experience, at least gain a little bit trust. So that we could develop it further to rely the feeling of our dependencies mostly on Supreme Being more than the others.
It's not as easy as we thought. There are two kind of trust on this level.
Firstly, we trust with our result, with our experiences that in line with our logical thought or our wishes. Or we trust because we are always mostly at the right condition because of trusting thing. At this level, we trust something because something is good or we trust something because we are an expert with something. In a short, we can synchronize ourselves with something. So we can work together with something as something will reveal goodness for ourselves.
Lastly, it's the same as the first one but with slightest additional thing that would make entire "surrender" having huge different comparing to the first level above. It's our awareness that something we rely on it, or more powerful that rely on it, or thing with highest powerful that we rely on it, it has consciousness that could aware to our existence, rather than just communicating through vision. That we can communicate with this highest Being interactively. This would give huge different. Because we will be guided directly rather than making our own initiative. We will always be guided by Conscious Being, where for all of that we face, The Conscious Being will tell us, so we will see anything from wider perspective directly, so it will make their heart not only peacefully since they know the reason behind all of these, and since they know their own place among current situations, but including contently because of direct experience and interactively.
Both levels will give us feeling more secure or less worries, more relax. That's why you think that "this person is different than anyone I've ever met" (but i am not sure at what level), it's because you perceive their attitudes and their feeling transmitted automatically in line with their comfortable conditions. But at the second level, the result on condition and on our feelings will be lifted up tremendously.
The more we can maintain our total surrender, the more it indicates that most of your life fulfilled with correctness where you are mostly on the right moment with proper adjustment. The result? Your heart will be more comfortable with your faith and you become more calm, peace, you have less worries, because you will always know anything exactly from wider perspective, then, .. you continue surrender, because you can count on it!
At first, there is trial and error, and if you have strong faith to struggle, finally you are on God's hand where there is no confusion on yourselves about anything, and continuing it. At first, it's your effort with pain, but at last ... you will always be helped easily.
What is like to finally give up and surrender? At first, it's our trial to believe in our faith without prejudice and without a doubt!. Secondly, it's the result of proven guidance that would make ourselves having wider perspective, more tolerance and feeling more secure. And at last (as the highest level), it's the result of having more trust because all of trusts are build through direct and interactive guidance.
answered 14 Jan '14, 02:54
first know your self and you will know other. if you trust in things in this world you will often feel betrayed. since in this world people run after money power desire that do not make them happy. often people in this world even if they think they are helping you sometime are not helping you at all because they are not in your shoe. boss usely seek money and power at the detriment of everything else. those who seek to control other are often the one with the less control. the simple fact is-
(14 Jan '14, 04:53) white tiger
that what they miss inside is reflecting outside. so they cannot accept to be powerless over other they cannot accept that someone else is more powerful or know more then them or as more control then them. if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty."
(14 Jan '14, 05:02) white tiger
Very good answer! I give +1 vote.
(14 Jan '14, 05:19) Wade Casaldi
@whitetiger :thanks, that's strong statement, nice :-)
(14 Jan '14, 06:43) Seremonia
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what if I tell you that you cannot surrender? what if I tell you that you cannot let it go? what if I tell you that what you find pleasing might not be pleasing? what if I tell you that what you find unpleasing might be pleasing? what if I tell you that the problem is that you do not seek enough the truth? and you remain in error? in this world of duality everything is a mix of everything else. then can it be only yes or no? or is it a mix of yes and no? this complex thing that make you unpleased is made of very simple things or maybe that you do not see it yet? do you need to judge someone else? do you also need to be judge?
some are seeing only one part and decide this is the most important part. some see the other part and decide this is the most important part. they stay in division and judge each other. if I tell you both of those 2 people are in truth and in error. then there is a third way to see things. to see the truth and the error on both side and how they work together and against each other. to do this you need to lift that stone and to properly split that pieces of wood. this will happen when you clean the inside of the cup.
if you are telling the truth and seeking no division experiencing and enjoying. some that are in truth and error will still do you some bad be merciful you have been there also. also you will know before hand that they are going to do that, because you have solved something that they did not solve yet. knowing that you have free will and they have free will, you will know that you cannot change them they are the only one that can make that decision you can only show them the way. if you tried to help them more then once and they have refuse you they will keep refusing you so it serve no per pace to put oil on the fire you will only get burn. and will need to wash the inside of the cup again with water to remove that little darkness.
you should love the neighbor as your self and seek to help them, if they do not accept you deny and reject you, block their ears speak all sort of evil about you to praise them self. Give them what they want, let them to their own free will and faith and go your way they will learn to cry. and when they are ready to progress they will seek the truth.
Let there be light, be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.
answered 04 Jan '14, 06:03
Yes this is similar to what I wrote. Each going his/her own way and not able to see the other person's way. We need to give up because we can't change them, we can only present our point but this could be even greatly misunderstood. It is ultimately up to each to decide what she/he wishes to believe is correct.
(14 Jan '14, 05:28) Wade Casaldi
@wade casildi you say:It is ultimately up to each to decide what she/he wishes to believe is correct. yes every one as free will and should go by the truth or believe in things that are true. there is more then one problem and there is more then one solution. some in this world believe that they have the truth and stick only to one way of solving problem. example they want a 8 they see it only as 2+6=8. when you tell them you can make it like this 4+4=8 or 1+7=8 or 3+5=8 -
(14 Jan '14, 06:44) white tiger
they say to you no you do not understand anything you know nothing. is what they believe true? or do they have only 1/4 or 0.25 of the truth and cannot accept the other truth? because they believe that they are the only one having the truth and stopped their understanding on the only things they choose to be true. it is the same thing at school you get a new teacher each year that will tell you forget everything that you have learn I will teach you the truth. what amount of truth does he hold?
(14 Jan '14, 06:51) white tiger
you see silence is sometime better then talking. silence is gold and speaking is silver. if one cannot accept other way to make+ to get 8 then it is better to remain silent even if you know and can show him how to make - x / . π to get to 8 it will not help him since the problem is not there to begin with. the real problem is a lack of understanding cause by a choice to see only one answer as true.
(14 Jan '14, 07:19) white tiger
Thanks yes much agreed, this helps me feel better about my change LOA question.
(14 Jan '14, 11:48) Wade Casaldi
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@LapisLazuli - "What is like to finally give up and surrender?" - When you actually seriously imagine the prospect of a future without the thing you you have been desiring, if you feel a sense of heaviness, disappointment, regret, shame, etc., then you haven't surrendered...you still have resistance. When you seriously imagine the same prospect, but you feel light and relaxed about it, then it's a good bet that you have reached a place of surrender.
@LapisLazuli - Bashar once answered a similar question from an audience member. He said that when the alternative prospect that they didn't prefer was allowed to be a valid, "okay" experience, then their resistance was gone, and the thing that they desired would be on its way to manifesting.
Have you told this person how you feel?
@lozenge123 I was wondering if you, by any chance, had a link to where he said that at? If not that's okay, I just wanted to hear the whole conversation
@Beach Baby No, I haven't... honestly, I don't feel that I can.
@LapisLazuli - Sure thing. It comes towards the end of this clip...a conversation about diet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbWppuyezxI&noredirect=1
@lozenge123 Thank you!!