What do you do when you do not fit in in your day to day life. I ask for a couple of reasons. I think im an average girl, i eat well, i keep fit, i listen to my favorite band. I like manga books, victoria france art, i love dancing and drinking cocktails.

A few years ago I hit a rocky patch, it took me a long time to even start to get better. my life now couldnt be better. I love waking up, I have lots of plans for my future, i sleep well etc. However I feel totally out of place with my life now.

At work, a lot of my colleagues have admitted to me they are on anti-depressant meds, they have stable families, a job etc but are never happy. I realise i could have atrracted this environment as this used to be me but i seem to be a focus of attention now. They are obsessed with what i eat, i eat normally, nothing fanatical but ive had comments like you must be anorexic, oh i suppose she'll be eating salad again. (I'm a uk size ten and i eat pizza too by the way!) a lot of them are on diets but i simply dont like the taste of junk food thats why i dont eat it.

If i talk about something, nobody seems to know what im on about. I seem to have had such different life experiences and they often roll their eyes when i talk. I even overheard someone say 'oh what is she saying now?!'

The second is my friends. I just cant interact with them anymore, i feel totally different now and have taken to spending time on my own now because I feel like I have to put on a personality to be with them. My parent has taken to saying things like, you've become so picky when it comes to men/friends, you should lower your standards a bit, oh putting make up on again are we.

But my old freinds were drug takers and the men were bad tempered cowards. I dont want that around me again. I feel like an alien now, how or where do i go to fit in. There is NO WAY im going backwards. xxx

asked 18 Feb '12, 16:13

Red%20Shoes's gravatar image

Red Shoes

edited 19 Feb '12, 04:27

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦

Your question is not very clear, Red Shoes...

(18 Feb '12, 17:13) Benjamin
showing 0 of 1 show 1 more comments

Hi Red Shoes. Sorry for this long answer. But it is meant just for you and I hope it will be helpful for a long time to come. I have made some assumptions here such as where you live.
If it is incorrect, feel free to adjust it according to how you prefer.

You are looking for acceptance.

Right now you are looking for it in this community.

Fortunately everyone here is of open heart and open mind and have an intimate understanding of what you have gone through and will most likely continue to go through in your life.

The most important thing that you must realize is that "self-acceptance" is the most powerful thing you can do with yourself in this lifetime.

That means accept not only who you are, but also, who you must be in order to exist and survive in this reality.

If in a moment, someone threatens your safety unless you accept the Sun God as your savior, the right thing to do in that moment is to throw up your hands towards the sun and worship the sun, so that you can live to see the sunrise the next day.

You said "i feel totally different now and have taken to spending time on my own now because I feel like I have to put on a personality to be with them." There is nothing wrong in finding the middle ground between what your friends enjoy doing and what interests you.

Where you don't see eye to eye, you can stand up for what you believe and agree to disagree, but still respect their disagreement; because there is no rule that one must abandon one perspective in order to adopt another.

You can, instead, choose to see it as an EXPANSION of your personality and widen your understanding and acceptance of your new ideas along with your previous ideas.

Examine your own comfort level with your expanding personality and every time someone (your previous friends) disagree or shake your foundation, remember that moment and then work on that experience in the privacy of your home.

These moments are actually your own soul trying to teach you something through living moments.

So re-play the event that bothers you from your friend’s perspective and see if their comments or ideas were justified. Because often we are upset by things that we actually agree with deep inside, but don't want to be reminded by outsiders.

From my personal experience, I know that I am upset the most when someone says something to me that, I privately believe is true, but don't like to be made fun of in public.

The universe often plays this cruel game to force us to confront that which we have chosen to avoid, but at a deeper level we know is necessary change for the growth of our soul.

So examine your discomforts from an honest perspective (from the other side) and assimilate your understanding into your own point of reference; in other words, accept yourself for who you are and how the world may see you.

As you become more comfortable with examining your strengths and your miss-match with what surrounds you, by accepting all of that as your normal self that is in a constant state of expansion, you will no longer be concerned with being out-of synch with your former friends, or even your new found friends.

The more you accept your own "problems as perceived by others" as a normal part of you, the easier it is for you to not react to their well-meaning comments with anger and hurt.

The more confident you are with yourself (including all the problems about you that you don't want them to point out), the easier it is for you to "Fit In" to almost any situation.

Because when it comes down to it, what exactly is "fit in"?

Is it a measure of your friends no longer accepting you?, or is it YOUR perception that they are not accepting you?

If it really was a situation where you friends and family don't want you to "fit" into their world any longer, they would say, "We no longer want to hang out with you, please go away."

But that will not happen until you give permission to the universe to allow that to happen.

And the way you give permission to the universe (to tell your former friends and family to reject you) is, you have to start imagining and believing that they don't like your company anymore; and keep believing it in your mind until their behavior catches up to your belief.

So from this understanding you can choose to be accepted by your friends and family, in-spite of the fact that they don't agree with your new ideas.

When you accept yourself (all of yourself) you become confident in your good and you bad. When someone praises your good you can accept it with a smile and say "thank you" instead of trying to down play it. At the same time, when someone points out your bad, you can just as comfortably say "you know you are right, I am working on changing that about myself", or you could stand up to yourself without letting your emotions go into a rage.

In the example where your parent said "Oh putting make up on again are we", you could ask them "Mom/Dad why did you say that just now?", and keep on forcing them to examine the nature of their criticism instead of falling victim to it.

Here is a completely made up example of how you could have responded to them.

Mom/Dad: "Oh putting make up on again are we?"

You: "Mom, why did you say that just now?"

Mom/Dad: "Because you are not the same girl we knew"

You: "What do you mean by that?"

Mom/Dad: "You think you are better than the rest of us, like someone special"

You: "Don't you want your child to have a better future?"

Or "You are saying it like it is a bad thing, don't you have dreams for a better life?"

Or “I feel good about myself when I put on makeup; If you did something to make yourself feel good I wouldn't dream of taking that away from you. So, Mom/Dad, you will help me a lot by encouraging me instead of criticizing me"

Well you get the idea.

The most common trap that people fall into is they beg their friends and family to accept them with words such as "why don't you accept me the way I am".

But if they examine that it is actually their own inner self revealing to them that they are not accepting of themselves, but this truth is played out in a third person perspective.

Once you accept yourself the way that you are, you don’t' have to beg others to accept you. By the universal principle, they will automatically fall in place, because there is no inner confusion on your part.

However if they did criticize you for being different, because you are comfortable and confident within yourself, a different answer will automatically come out of your mouth, perhaps something like "Oh you are saying that because you don't understand my reasons for being this way, so tell me...why is my decision to change bothering you so much?"

Ultimately, everything that happens to you on the outside is a physical representation to what is happening to you on the inside.

Your entire question is a good starting point for you to examine what is happening to you on the inside. The picture you paint with that question is a snapshot for what is going on within you right now.

The way to fix this is to examine your inner self.

It will not be an overnight process; in fact it is an endless process.

I believe that your sense of "I don't fit in" is an idea that exist within you that, somewhere along the way, you have taken on as a burden you must bear and a price that must be paid for the transformation you are going through (this is only a suggestion)

Until you examine and discover this for yourself, you will feel that you are "not fitting" where ever you are.

"I am not fitting" is an idea that is only true if you accept it as a truth about yourself.

So do you want this to be a truth about yourself?

Now you don't need proof to know that you have accepted this idea, because you were inspired to write this question obviously in trying to come to terms with the experience of "not fitting in"

So the only question is, do you want to continue to "not fit in" for the rest of your life?

If the answer is NO, then realize that you have to take away the power source of this experience in your life.

The power source for this experience, that is feeding and keeping this experience alive, is YOUR OWN CONSCIOUSNESS.

Recognize that the idea "I no longer fit in" exists within your consciousness.

Examine all the areas in your life where the idea "I no longer fit in" comes to life within you.

Be honest with yourself and examine it as an energy existing within you.

Are you starting to define your life through the idea "I no longer fit in because my beliefs are different from those around me?"

Is that statement (above) true?

If this is true, then it must be materialized in all facets of your life.

It won't change, as long as you believe that this is true.

You have to stop this idea as being the truth about YOU if you want it to go away.

You can't un-do it.


From now on, every time you catch yourself experiencing the idea "I don't fit in because....." Immediately put on your mental breaks and say to yourself "Whoa...Wait a minute...I am expanding and I am fitting in with everybody"

When you do that a large part of you will say "But it's not true"

Just ignore that Genie and keep telling yourself "I am expanding and I am now fitting in with a wider and wider group of people"

Keep saying "I not only fit in with my old friends, and my family, but I am also starting to relate to people that I look up to and used to be intimidated by in the past"

The moment you catch your mind explaining to yourself "because I don't fit in....." that is you cue to reverse that with your new idea "I am expanding and starting to "fit in" with so many new people"

If you do it long enough, your mind will start to believe it.

Once you believe it, you will start to think it in many new and exciting ways.

You mind will come up with all the wonderful new and exciting ways in which you can "fit in" with your existing family and friends and your new found expanded and confident person that you are emerging into.

You can throw your imagination into more and more exciting possibilities with believing and accepting that you are in-fact becoming a more confident, dynamic and easily relatable beautiful young woman.

Can't you already see the articles in your local paper "Local girl makes it big in London", perhaps the article is about your new designer gallery that you opened in London where you had all these celebrity guests who you have come to know on a personal basis, show up to support you achievement. Don't you remember how you arranged for your parents to be there, and it was their first ride in a luxury limousine and the red carpet experience was just over the top?

The best part was that you were looking back to the day way back when you posted a question on something called the "Inward Quest" about not fitting in and look at you now, see how far you have come and the number different personalities that you call friends.

Can you believe that you have changed so much that you were able to effortlessly "fit in" among the guest at J.K Rowling's party last week-end where you were chatting with Sienna Miller, and just as effortlessly spent the next two days back home with your parents where they were so appreciative of the transformation you went through? Rememeber how they told you that they were proud of you for being strong and not crumbling under their criticism and that they are happy that you went on to pursue you dreams, to become someone who has no problem "fitting in" anywhere in the world?

Make your desires real within you and the universe will show you how to "fit in" to it.


answered 18 Feb '12, 19:40

The%20Traveller's gravatar image

The Traveller

edited 19 Feb '12, 01:38

I don't know what to say, other than brilliant.

(18 Feb '12, 20:36) Liam

You sure are one wise soul Traveller... I think this answer was meant for more than just Red Shoes :)

(18 Feb '12, 21:57) Michaela

Amazing answer... inspires me :) Thank you for putting the effort into such a wonderful message

(19 Feb '12, 01:21) LapisLazuli

Thank you guys for your heart warming and encouraging comments. Is it OK for me to admit that each time I read it, to edit my grammatical & spelling errors, I am glad and inspired that this answer came through?

(19 Feb '12, 01:32) The Traveller

Thank you very much for your answer, The Traveller it's made me feel quite emotional. I can only hope to be as much help to someone else one day. xxx

(19 Feb '12, 08:35) Red Shoes
showing 2 of 5 show 3 more comments

It is okay if others don't understand you. Not everyone will, so instead of aiming to fit in, aim to be yourself and find people who understand and connect with you. Love yourself, you are a lovable person and when you see this for yourself, others will see it to. It can be difficult finding meaningful relationships if you don't already love yourself.

I used to try so hard to make others happy... they are NEVER satisfied, no matter how much money, time, and attention you give them. Even if you do what they want, its usually never enough. You just simply can't make another happy. They have to be happy first. So don't worry what they think or say of you... its usually got more to do with themselves than it does you.

Do what makes you happy. Focus on the good, focus on improving yourself and your life in your own unique ways. If you aren't hungry, don't eat. If you feel good putting on make up, do it. The type of people you want in your life will come... don't force yourself to settle if it doesn't make you happy. Do it for you, all of those are your decisions... no one elses.


answered 18 Feb '12, 19:04

LapisLazuli's gravatar image


edited 18 Feb '12, 19:11

Hi, again, Red Shoes!

(BTW: Love the name you chose...I have a friend who is a ballerina, and loves the movie, "The Red Shoes". Or are you referring to Dorothy's Red Shoes? Anyway, I like it!)

I am going to try to keep this really, really simple for you.

You have transformed yourself. You have "moved up". Your energy is healthier, better, higher, more in line with God's will.

People are jealous!!!! You are a threat to them and their comfort! They liked you crazy, sick, drinking, whatever you used to be. Now, you are a pretty girl, and they sense the change; they sense God in You.

You may not have realized it yet, but you are now a new Creation In God. And the bad in those people sense this, and are afraid of you.

You need to hang in there for a while- you need to learn how to be a loner for a time. Read all you can about manifesting new things into your life. Hang out here, and read. WE LOVE YOU JUST AS YOU ARE!!!! YOU ARE SEEKING ANSWERS< AND THAT IS A GREAT THING!!!!

Ignore these bad people, bad comments, even those of your parents. For truly, you are scaring them with your new Spirit!

There is nothing wrong with you! It is mostly a bad world, but remember this:

Becuase you changed, because you went through that "bad patch"- you came out the other side a New Creation. Soon, God will send you new people to love. In the meantime, join a new church that makes you feel comfortable. Or another type of positive social group. Hang with them, and your enemies will fall away! I promise!

Blessings to you, my dear,

Your new friend, Jaianniah


answered 18 Feb '12, 20:44

Jaianniah's gravatar image


@Jai excellent answer honey. You said just about what I was going to say.

(18 Feb '12, 20:58) Wade Casaldi

@Red Shoes Your friends feel like they want the old you back. It is like the expression "Misery loves company." But you have made a decision to change. You don't want to suffer anymore. We hate seeing our friends suffer but there comes times when we have to grow. This may be leaving those friends behind not because we are better but they want to stay where they are. It is in this time that we have to watch and wait. Stick to your guns! Trust God. Wade another new friend.

(18 Feb '12, 20:59) Wade Casaldi

Thank you jai and Wade for your comments, all greatfully recieved xxx

(19 Feb '12, 08:45) Red Shoes
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments

well Red Shoes i would say first of all you need to see who is wrong or not in the truth is it you or them? you know what you like and so do they. you do not like the fact that they divide when you speak about something and they do not agree or follow what you say; but the fact his that for them it is the same. why judge them? why divide on anny baseline? you have your point of view and them also. you will meet new people and them also. can you be friend with people with out having to divide? can you accept people like you would like to be accept? would you like someone who his picky? do not judge or you will be judge with the same mesure. stay in the truth and be the light that you can be. experience and enjoy.


answered 18 Feb '12, 18:19

white%20tiger's gravatar image

white tiger


That is very true, do not judge or you will be judged. I will try to remember.xxx

(19 Feb '12, 08:48) Red Shoes

I agree with most of the above advice. However i like to increase options instead of trying to change deep seated beliefs. You are responding to your perception of your friends not allowing you to "fit in."

Some of them I would not want to fit in with, like druggies and depressed, unhappy people. BUT I only know fewer and fewer people like that anymore. They are becoming a increasingly smaller part of my reality.

Until I began studying this wonderful teaching, I considered myself a "Problem Solver". I asked that I had better resources to handle problems, not fewer problems. I handled some "monumental" problems. I saw myself as a disheveled, torn, tired soldier at the end of a daily battle, saying, "I think I won!

I thought that my accomplishments were the direct result of struggle. Perhaps the "struggle" only wore me out to the point that I allowed inspiration to come in and give me an answer.

I know that my manifestations came come very easily or through struggle. They come is a way I have asked. If I firmly believe it will take a struggle to get something, it will!

However we have certain belief structures (like your friends don't like you) that can be very resistant to change. Belief structures that have deep roots, programmed into you by previous environment, friends, family, etc.

For instance, my Mother used to tell me, "If you go out in the rain without an umbrella, you will catch pneumonia and die!" Well, truly that was after I had forgotten to take an umbrella on several occasions. I tried to tell her that I regularly got VERY wet in a shower without adverse symptoms. This made her angry and she ramped up her remarks. I was left with a deep printed belief that rain would make me ill. Even now, I hear others say, "I got wet in the rain and caught this cold."

My Mother was trying to keep me happy and comfortable. I know without question that she was not trying to make me sick. She just had limited options in conveying her way of making me comfortable.

I have studied many techniques for change and it seems that IF I try to directly attack a belief system, I get nowhere. It comes from some place I can never truly understand. However I believe that all the internal parts of me are working for my good. Some of them have fewer options to fulfill their good intentions and this manifests in disuse-full behavior. However sometimes I may need to know that I really do not fit in.

So I have an internal dialog with the part of me that, in your case, says that it wants me to be happy by making me perceive people don't like me. Some will, some won't, there is no single behavior/response I can make in all situations. Nor do I want a single, limited response.

However, that part of me has only that response. It WILL resist me if I try to take that response away. So I give it permission and ability to find more responses. And it may not trust my conscious mind to make the best choices so it can do its job.

I had a talk with my gut once, asking how the digestion process worked. It refused to give me answers. It said, "Not gonna tell you. Remember how you asked about controlling your heartbeat and you got it down to almost nothing? That caused some internal problems. I think if I explained how to control the digestive process, you would go eat a couple of dozen cream filled donuts and have them whiz through without causing any problems. This would make my job MUCH harder."

So that part of you that suggests you don't fit in, is working for your greater benefit. IT may not tell you either and it may not listen easily to your ideas of how it should change.

Lets postulate that your inner part is your extension of Source. "Extension", not the Big Source. I suggest that part of me has my permission and desire to connect with Big, Universal Source and find alternate behavior patterns -- that it can implement when it feels one of those behavior patterns will do the job and make me happiest -- AND it does NOT have to let me (consciously) know WHAT pattern it is using.

I find my behavior changed in dramatically easy ways that I usually do not recognize that I have changed.

For instance, I had a problem with Road Rage. Someone cut me off in traffic and I boiled over. I cut them off as as soon as I could. Usually did worse than they did, and from there on it escalated if they responded. I risked not only my life and limb, but my family as well. I was not doing any drugs or alcohol. It just seemed that i HAD to Teach THEM a Lesson. Logic did not enter in. My wife's pleas and admonitions did not enter in, I was like a possessed man.

I asked, "Why?" No answer. I tried to stifle, but paid the price. I tried saying to myself, "Put white light around that ass so he does not hurt himself or others", even that did not help.

So I had a talk with my Self, and suggested it find new, additional options and that it had my permission and desire to implement new options when IT felt it was the best way to do its job of taking care of me and make me happiest at the same time.

Road Rage went away. People cut me off in traffic and I barely notice them. After some time, my mind began to somehow remember that I used to have this problem, it seemed a dreamy, unpleasant, almost deja vu experience. Was I rally that bad? My wife said I was and I respect her opinion - from my new perspective.

But I don't do Road Rage anymore. Did I change worlds? Increase my options? All I know is that my world does not include road rage any more.

Have a talk with your-source and have it get some better options from Universal Source. Give permission and request it chooses what options will make you happiest. It will.

If you struggle, you are mainly on your own. If you connect with Source and act from that co-creative perspective, you can accomplish anything and do it easily and joyously.

Know thy-Self, talk to thyself and let it do its good and perfect work through you.


answered 19 Feb '12, 10:33

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Dollar Bill

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