Hi All,

I am an emotional person and having tough time dealing with myself.I found this site of much help and with great content from absolutely amazing people.And I couldn't resist joining this wonderful site of such good people around.

I have a simple question to begin with.I am a joyful,clear hearted person..but over years I have faced much trouble and pain being so.I am trying hard to change to a person who is damn reserved within themselves,stays calm in the worst situations,doesnt respond to anyone however bad they might be/treat.

Just want to be someone who has world within themselves since that wont cause any pain or hurtings with anyone.

Do help me please..as I need to change myself..also do correct me if my thinking is in wrong direction.

I want to be happy in me..than with people who tend to hurt.

Thanks in advance,

asked 13 Jul '12, 16:13

insilentpain's gravatar image


edited 14 Jul '12, 03:29

Barry%20Allen's gravatar image

Barry Allen ♦♦


A weed can be more beautiful than a prised rose

(14 Jul '12, 02:18) ursixx

@insilentpain - Welcome to IQ. Great answers here. Just one further suggestion, why not get a more empowering nickname to use on IQ? If you hang around here long enough and follow the advice, you won't be "in silent pain" any more and it's hardly a positive reminder of who you really are :)

(14 Jul '12, 05:34) Stingray
showing 1 of 2 show 1 more comments

Welcome to Inward Quest!

How to answer you is hard, because it depends on what part fo the world you are writing from. I say this because I know that women are oppressed in certain parts of the world, and are expected to be seen and not heard, and behave and all that.

But if you were born High-Spirited, then you would have a real battle on your hands, wouldn't you? I thought I would mention this because not everyone here in IQ is from where I am. [The USA]

Now, it matters not where you are from if you are fighting this battle in your heart. You wish to change. Why??? Satori's words are very wise- read them carefully! You do need to be your own best friend. You need to learn something called self-acceptance.

i do not know about you, but I have this voice in my head I call "Mean Helen". She wants her way all the time, is rude, and speaks her mind despite horrible consequences. I have had to learn to sit her into a corner and to tell her to be quiet. Don't laugh. "Mean Helen" has gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years. It has taken some strength of will and discipline to learn to smile at my thoughts and to ignore them when they might turn "ugly". When "Mean Helen" comes, it means that I need a break from what is going on. I have noticed that she is very bad when I am oppressed.

Either way, you must accept yourself. Love who you are. Love whatever qualities that God or Allah gave you, and, at the same time, be sure to find an outlet for your frustrations and temper. Physical activity is good for this. Take a walk. Clean a closet. [You cannot imagine how many closets I have cleaned when I was feeling enraged about something!]

Remember to love yourself, even when you mess up. All you can really count on is you, and I have learned that it is miserable inside your head when you hate yourself.

Good luck!




answered 13 Jul '12, 23:47

Jaianniah's gravatar image


1000% agree with physical activity. Don't just walk though, lift some weights. Man or woman, everyone should be lifting weights and growing muscle. Just by doing that you will feel incredible. I heard a great line about effect of working out. -> "Weakness leaves, pride comes in, confidence raise...awesome life" ;-)

And from my personal experience, I can confirm it really feels like that.

(14 Jul '12, 06:53) CalonLan

I go back to a piece of wisdom my mother used to tell me, If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. This applies to You speaking towards yourself and towards others. Practice this philosophy and you can redefine yourself to be the person you described above. This practice will also help you to cultivate listening to your inner witness or higher self. Thank You


answered 13 Jul '12, 20:10

Brian's gravatar image


Welcome to IQ :)

It's sounds like your being a bit hard on yourself there:)

Become your own best friend first.Forgive yourself for your mistakes.Be good to you,baby steps at first if need be.Accept yourself and you'll effortlessly become that person you wish to be.

Remember your whole life mirrors the relationship you have with you.Once you get it right everything else will fall into place:)

It's not what you are that holds you back, It's what you think you're not. ~Denis Waitley


answered 13 Jul '12, 20:26

Satori's gravatar image


edited 13 Jul '12, 20:29


Great answer & love the quote:)

(13 Jul '12, 23:41) LapisLazuli

@Lapislazuli-Thanks for the kind words:)

(14 Jul '12, 05:22) Satori

@Satori, great quote and great advice:)

(15 Jul '12, 08:47) Xoomaville
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments

I have read something many years ago in a book from Dr. Norman Vincent Peale "The Power of Positive Thinking". That if something bad is happening to you, or people are not treating you right, anything which would make you very upset, Instead of taking it personally and react to it, pretend and imagine that you are an outsider watching you and the situation going on in your life without emotions, just like a not involved observer of this situation.
If you are able to practice this a few times it will become 2nd nature to you, but really observe like it is coming from outside of you. It will help you be calm and not get upset or excited.
I have practiced this for at least 30 years and it has served me well. I do not get upset at injustices done to me. I do not retaliate but find other ways to put the person in the wrong in their place. It has helped me never to speak more than necessary and to listen more than I talk. This method helps you shrug things off and tell yourself it is not worth losing your cool over it.
It will help you become cool, calm and collected inside without any upsetting thoughts. This actually will help you get your thoughts in order.


answered 14 Jul '12, 00:24

PurpleRose's gravatar image


edited 14 Jul '12, 02:15

ursixx's gravatar image


@PurpleRose Great advice!

(14 Jul '12, 02:16) ursixx

Hi @insilentpian, welcome to IQ, I understand your question and there are some great answers here, but want to take you in a little different direction...

You asked: How to become a silent, calm, reserved person?

Ask yourself, what will it lead you to once you become the silent, calm and reserved person? What will change for you once you become that person?

It seems that you want to change the way you react to others

In that case, DON'T react the way you reacting now. or Just BE the silent, calm and reserved person with the silent, calm and reserved reaction.

But I think there's more to it than just that...

From the way you have put your question, it seems like you are wanting to run away from something. I do not know from what, that's for you to figure out.

Maybe, you want to become non-confrontational

Maybe, you want to just go into the shell and protect yourself from the hurt people cause you.

Maybe, you don't want to face your own fears.

I don't know what and none of it is abnormal, but understand that, as you say in your post, the change has to be from within

Short of it is that everything we feel in our lives is our reaction to others, events, happenings and (surprise, surprise) to our own actions/thoughts. Change the way you react consciously and you can change feeling hurtful to feeling 'no-judgement'

Others are not going to change. Whether you let them hurt you is up to you. Don't let outside events affect the way you feel. Now that you are here and asking, you'll learn that its better to trust yourself than to be at the mercy of other people's doings. It never pays to play a victim.

I would recommend you read through all the answers here couple of times and also, search for questions similar to yours on IQ. There are lots of them. Participate and ask more. We all have learned the same way here:)

Meditation, EFT, affirmations and other methods are very useful. Once you start building your own confidence and get some clarity, it becomes easier. Trust yourself, love yourself first. Always.

And yes, as suggested, I would change the username from in-silent-pain to something positive:)

Good luck!


answered 15 Jul '12, 08:47

Xoomaville's gravatar image


edited 15 Jul '12, 09:00

I want to know what these EFT,Affirmations are and how to use them for my personality growth or be at peace.Iam beginner and what would u suggest to begin from?

(15 Jul '12, 08:52) insilentpain

@insilentpain, Just browse through the questions that pop up from search field. use 'EFT'. 'Faster EFT', 'Affirmations', 'Rampage of Affirmations' as search words. lot's of good stuff here:)

(15 Jul '12, 09:07) Xoomaville
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