I divorced a classic narcissist. I had no interest in getting into a lengthy legal battle over the house and material things so I let him keep most everything. I focused all my energy on our children.
The dilemma I face is that he wants to control every parental decision. I try to pick my battle wisely -there are times I don't. We live 5 minutes apart. I want to move to nearby town for several reasons. The town we live in has built several 'transitional homes' for convicted criminals on release programs. The number of registered sex offenders has spiked to 82. My ex is trying to block me from moving.
He literally told me there is no way I can move down the street without his permission. He attempts to control everything. I sign my children up for baseball's he tells the coach they're not' playing and signs them up with a different league. The dentist he picked for the kids still uses metal fillings and doesn't believe in sealant.
It was a battle to switch them to a pediatric dentist. We have opposite work schedules. He gets the kids off the bus. The daily interaction is taxing. I try to stay positive and not let him affect me. I just pray that someday he will ease off and focus on what's best for the kids
asked 28 Dec '13, 22:20
Here's the core of your "problem"...
You've stated there quite clearly what you believe about your ex. And Law of Attraction being what it is will always attract out of other people in your reality behaviors that are consistent with what you believe about them.
You didn't always believe this because otherwise you wouldn't have married him in the first place so "something" has changed during your time together. It doesn't matter what that "something" is, it only matters that it has caused you to revise your beliefs and attract a different behavior from him.
For more information about these ideas, see What do you do when you live with someone who blames you for all their problems?
To make it clearer...
The behavior we get from others is always, always, always about us and never, never, never about them.
At first glance, this is a particularly depressing statement to make because it means we can never blame anyone else but ourselves for their behavior :)
But, at second glance, this is a particularly empowering statement to make because it means that we never need to change anyone else to get something different, we only need to change ourselves and then the world (and people) around us must change to match what we've changed to.
Your goal then is to eventually be able to write (and really mean it) a statement like...
There are many methods around (many documented on this website) to enable you to transform beliefs but the key to using all of them is that you need to have (temporarily at least) a bit of breathing room to work on that vibrational change.
It's hard to learn how to use a parachute when you are plummeting towards the ground without one :)
So, if I were you, I would try to (temporarily at least) decrease your interactions with him while you develop some inner vibrational stability regarding a new empowering belief of He lets me do whatever I want.
There are two possibilities that will occur when you achieve this change
It sounds like either result will suit you.
answered 29 Dec '13, 01:47
@stingray is it because she believe or because she is doing the same and both are playing the same game in response to one and the other. the control issue. you say it does not matter what that something is but I would say it matter; if something change your life it is important to find out what it is and why? about the parachute it remind me about the joke saying that there is no risk with parachute they are warranty to work or you can go exchange them. for the part about changing the view-
(29 Dec '13, 07:08) white tiger
point about: He lets me do whatever I want. it is going in the opposite direction of what she is doing now or that he is doing now. it will probably create a greater divide. since both of them will do what ever they want. and they need to take a decision together for the kids. also changing position like this might change the situation in the way that he will not understand at all what is happening with her and he will think she is nuts. and with kids involved in this he will seek even more-
(29 Dec '13, 07:13) white tiger
control to protect the kids. thinking that she is nuts. so it might be counter productive. even if moving from the control thing is help full. going totally in the extreme opposite direction is not the thing to do. they need to define what is the truth in this case taking the best possible decision for the children as 2 adult parent of the kids. the problem is that they have unsolved issue that make communication difficult and cause friction between them.
(29 Dec '13, 07:20) white tiger
Wow I hate this thought but it seems at least to me this is not about the kids at all. They seem caught in the middle of what ever he can oppose you at.
Unfortunately it seems he switched from love to hate and whatever you choose he will do his best to oppose and be in control.
I remember reading in my Rosicrucian secret book about love and hate being opposite poles of the same thing. They used water to demonstrably provide an illustration of how this could be.
It would seem they are two entirely different things but when compared to hot and cold, we could say cold is love and hot is hate, there is a transition of warmth between the two and so both are the same to different degrees.
We see that in the StarWars movies they talk about the Light side of The Force and the Dark side. Sides of one thing, not two things. They don't ever say come to the Light Force, or I'll get him to join the Dark Force, like there are two forces. They say one force with two sides.
In a more practical factual way this could be said for love and hate. We could say maybe the Love side of emotion or the Hate side of emotion.
The problem I see is there is a war, a battle between you for control and power. But there is more than this, it seems also hurt and pain fuel this need to be right.
So here is the situation, it seems that you can see what I am about to say while he can't yet. He believes if you are right he must be wrong, if you are good he must be bad. Hence he wants to be the right patent, the good parent making you the wrong parent and the bad parent.
There are no polarities of right or wrong in this to your kids. They look up to you both, neither should be put down by the other to the children.
This is the sad part because I could only imagine what being in the middle would feel like. Two people you deeply love, respect and admire that you want to grow up to be like fighting and tearing each other down until you are confused and don't know who to believe, love, respect, admire and look up to....
That is a very sad thing for the children.
So we have pulled back the veil to the destruction of belief and safety of those children. Now we get to how to heal this.
First you need to acknowledge that to the children you are both heroes. They need to know you both love them very much and are there for them. But now comes the hard part.
What attracted you to him? Think on this, think of what you once liked about him. Are they good qualities? Are these qualities you would like to see instilled in your children? Now the really hard part is to write a ten page essay on his good qualities that attracted you to him in the first place. While working on this there is one rule, this must come from love while you are writing. Maybe put on soft meditative music. The point is emphasizing his good and diminishing his bad. Now doing this in no way makes you the bad one. If you need healing as well then write one on yourself also. Keep in the emotion of love just like you do for him.
You are both, trying to be your best to those children. Neither is a beast or bad or wrong. Just two humans trying to do their best.
As we accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative we gain in gratitude. This gratitude for what is pulls your mind toward a harmonic that you felt attracted to him in the first place. This harmonic goes out into the mind of God and what happens is that this gets amplified. Everything is in existence as a guitar that can play any song. The notes when struck in harmony creates excellent chords however there are as well notes that are not in harmony. When these are played there are no chords just annoying unharmonic noise.
So in this knowing that everything from love to hate exists and we tune into what we want or don't want. Now consciously choose excellence.
As you see him as good, accentuate this, magnify it, add to it until you see a shift. Any thought of negative diminish and replace with a positive that is stronger. This is like learning to play an awesome solo. You will hit bad nonharmonic notes but little by little these get eliminated until you are excellent.
Choose to be excellent and that will magnify and return excellency back to you.
Gratitude will return something to be grateful for.
answered 29 Dec '13, 03:10
This is helpful. Hind sight-we never should have married. I accept responsibility for that. But I do have guilt in feeling this way as our beautiful children would not be here if I choose otherwise. Every night I light a candle and visualize peace between us, for my children, my job and all aspects of my life. It seems the happier I become, he becomes more enraged and bitter.
(29 Dec '13, 07:21) jmyou1
Thank you for kind words.
(29 Dec '13, 07:23) jmyou1
@jmyou1 You are very welcome, I pray for the best for your children and you. I also want to add welcome to IQ I am glad you came here, this is a good question and I believe you will find good helpful advice and support here.
(29 Dec '13, 14:56) Wade Casaldi
so you are saying that the problem is that he wants to control everything. are you not doing the same? you made them together so both of you have a say in this. why not work together on this to make decision rather then fighting or making battle one against the other? each one as is point of view see the truth about both of your point of view and make wise choice. if you have opposite schedule that means that he can take care of the kids when you cannot and vice versa. and sense you say: I divorced so you are the one that made this division. Or did you booth make that choice? and you say about him narcissist why do you say that about him? what narcissist attribute does he have that make him a narcissist? that he want to control things do you not also want to control things? then are you not doing the same? who divorced? if you made kids together it must be that you made that choice at one point? are you saying that he was not the same person? or that you are not the same person? what is the change? to seek the truth is a good starting point. start with your self. that is the first place to make the change. also you cannot make any one change they are the one that make the choice for themselves. so how do you interact with someone to make them change for the better? by being that change. you want a positive change make a positive change. as long as you see only negative from other you do only negative to them then how can you expect a positive change from them? if you are positive and they are not positive it is their problem not yours keep being positive have a good life.
Also since it is about the kids you should solve your egoistic view of being the most right to the view of doing what is good for the kids. if you do not come up to a resolve you could also ask the kid for what he wants since it is concerning the kid and he can make a choice on the matter at ends. sometime it will help solve the problem or he might have a different view of booth of you. it could give you more then 1 or 2 option but many more. there is nothing wrong to have more choice. It gives more possibility. each problem have a solution you just need to find it.
Let there be light , be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.
answered 29 Dec '13, 02:18
Yes I choose to marry him. He rescued me in a snowstorm. I would have died had it not been for him. That is why I overlooked all the warning signs. I made the decision to leave when I discovered he was having an affair. I also found out he was taking steroids to build muscle. We went to marriage counseling. He choose both counselors. He was clinically diagnosed as narcissistic and controlling. Every night I light a white candle & visualize peace between us. The happier I become, he gets wors
(29 Dec '13, 07:09) jmyou1
you overlooked what was not working. to believe everything would work out, rather then to work to fix what was not working. so you made a bad choice. If you get happier and he gets worst it might be because he is jealous of you. if he was having a affair he also made a bad choice. well you both have the opportunity to make better choice for your kid sake.
(29 Dec '13, 07:37) white tiger
using the kids as a weapon between booth of you or escape goat will not help both of you or him. it would be better if booth of you could work on your self and solve your problem and division and understand each other position on the different option that you have to make better choice for the kids. put your self aside for a time being when it comes to the kid. you most now your strong and week point booth of you why not help each other for the kids?
(29 Dec '13, 08:26) white tiger
Hello jmyou1, the situation you describe is riddled with defense mechanisms, a defense mechanism is an emotional reaction designed to protect against further harm. However you find yourself caught up in a vicious circle because the very defense mechanism that prevents you from harm keeps you imprisoned and forbids you from healing the original cause, it's what can be described as a negative loop, negative belief, or as bashar describes it negative synchronicity reinforcement
For example the phrase "I divorced a classic narcissist" is a good example of projection, labeling your ex "narcissist" protects you from your inner wound but however reinforces the negative conflictual situation. The first step is to examine with attention the bundle of feelings that push you to pronounce the word "narcissist".
Such mechanisms are easy to recognize once you know what you're looking for; watch out for emotions that suddenly swell up and burst when in a particular situation. If you're struggling with emotions such as anger(intensity), resentment(unforgiving), defiance(blaming others) ... then you certainly have unconscious negative beliefs.
The most common feelings are harshness/bitterness and fear/scare, harshness is "i will not allow myself to be hurt" and scare is "afraid of being hurt".
Here's an article you may find interesting;
The question "How to manifest a positive change in someone's behavior?" becomes rather "How to better communicate in a relationship?", here's a few guide lines;
answered 30 Apr '14, 04:16
The only way to change anything is to change our own vibration. Use any "permission slip" as Bashar says or any of the tools from Abraham or anything which makes YOU feel better about yourself. I have begun to see that, as I raise my vibration and reach for the better-feeling thoughts, I get to rendezvouz with the "improved" versions of the people around me and I have better interactions, things go more smoothly, etc. Yeah I can get into "story"...raised by "narcissists". In fact I now see that all of the aspects of my current life which I tend to resist and not like are due to looking for what was wrong: in me, the world, others, etc. I'm turning it around through belief changes, letting go of the "past" and reaching for the better thought, also really visualizing in general what I'd like when I do feel good. It has begun to work for me. Be well!
answered 14 May '14, 19:27
Oh baby, do I know how this one goes. I'm a step-dad in a situation with an extremely controlling natural dad; so much so, that when the girl was high school age my wife gave custody over to the dad.
While the control issues slowed down a bit, they didn't entirely stop. Who pays for what was still an issue. My wife had a savings plan for her daughter and now that she's entering university this fall, the girl will be getting $18,000. The dad AND girl both pounced on my wife, "IS THAT ALL!" Yes, university is expensive and it seems the kid chooses to go to one costing $40,000/ year. AND... she doesn't want to get a job, preferring to 'study hard' and finish in three years!
Of course, I haven't been allowed to even get near the kid myself - the dad made sure he poisoned the girl's mind against her mom and especially me right from day one.
At least my wife has maintained her weekly visiting rights. For her, it's just business as usual. She accepts the fact that the natural dad is just a first-class * and lets it go at that. She just does her best for her daughter, hoping that someday (and hopefully soon, once the girl moves away to university) that her daughter will see the truth for what it really is.
So that's the lesson I've learned from my wife - jerks will be jerks, no matter what. Don't even TRY to change them. Instead, FOCUS ON YOUR CHILDREN! Do what's best for them. Sure, it may break your heart in the process as you wade through all the brainwashing and * your ex may throw in your path. It's *** hard not to get sucked in to all that drama.
Being 'the man', I'm more than ready to step in and protect my wife. However, she just thanks me for my support, squeezes my hand gently and says, "It's OK Honey; I got this one!"
It's a MARVEL for me to see how my wife operates with her ex! Ignore him - put ALL your eggs in your children's baskets!
All the best from Toronto, Russ
answered 09 Jun '14, 13:10
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