Why do I feel so insecure?

I have a beautiful relationship with a man who cares but I still get insecure about the fact that maybe his love for me might diminish.

I'm going to give a very silly example, but which affects me so much that it throws me in the abyss of blackness in terms of my thoughts and emotions. We regularly text each other during the day. When he is busy at work he may take a couple of hours to answer. Those two hours are torture for me. I start believing all kinds of things; that he is ignoring me, that he is not thinking about me, that he must not be feeling love for me. I've opened my heart to him and told him this and he said he does not want to feed this insecurity but he also understands that it is a real emotion and that I'm feeling it. He says that when he is very busy I just need to remind myself of the solid foundation that we have in terms of love for each other. But I always ignore this when this happens to me. It's like a chronic illness which emerges every time this happens.

After this happens and we discuss it over, I feel such shame. I feel so weak even though in other areas of my life I am very strong.

How do I dissolve this insecurity in me? I do not want this to remain haunting me. It is a form of self-sabotage and also could be a sabotage of the relationship which I so cherish.

Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

asked 29 Jun '18, 04:50

nbd028's gravatar image


@nbd028- Please see my update in my answer. I hope it helps.

(03 Jul '18, 22:42) Nikulas
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yes the answer you are looking for is this:

the cause of your insecurity is a limiting belief you hold about yourself and that belief is not positive- but negative -

im using positive and negative to make it understandable for you but its actually not really positive or negative because everything is neutral

so im going to try and do the whole explanation of why this is in the most simple way possible


so you are you- the human form of you as you see yourself in the mirror- but there is also a higher octave of your being- thats the part that never dies and always exists and always will- because its not just the body of course that we consist of for if that was the case corpses would be people- so obviously they are not and that means that when that other part of us leaves- the body remains but the other thing goes on- and that particular part of you is not some nebulus cloud swishing over your head sitting there like a genie whilst you are reading this answer your computer- it is actually, reading it exactly with you- as you read this yourself- it always is there- it never leaves-when you think something- it hears it- when you lie it hears it as well- everything you do its there- it never leaves for it is the very thing keeping you alive as we speak- only you dont actually consciously hear it- because its NOT that nagging little voice in your head that is right now reading this to you in your mind- it doesnt do that- its far more subtle and way less vocal- its emotional. so when you do something that is wrong- usually the voice in your head goes- i am so stupid! i should be ashamed of myself! everytime i do this i cant stand myself i hate myself! and exactly at that time you might experience a very bad feeling.

so here is the deal that i only got after a lot of failed attempt at understanding reality creation.

the bad feeling you get- is not because you did something stupid- its because you are cursing yourself out- that is what is causing the bad feeling- its not that your higher self is giving you the bad emotion because it thinks you did something wrong- it doesnt care about that it loves you no matter what you do- you could literally kill a thousand puppies and your higher self would not only still be on your side completely it would not judge you whatsoever and it never does- its unconditionally loving you- no matter how stupid you are- what is causing the bad feeling is the fact that you are telling yourself how stupid you are- now that is something- your higher self is completely and totally against- no one calls you stupid- your higher self hates that and is so against it and so different of opinion- that you feel that bad emotion- its not you doing something stupid- its you thinking you are stupid and believe me your higher self does not like it at ALL when anyone talks smack about you- you will feel that in a second- its telling you to STOP because this is NOT what your higher self thinks at all and the difference in the thought you are thinking about yourself and what your higher self thinks about you is so BIG- you feel it- the further you steer away from the vibration of your higher self- the worse you feel and you can only feel better by treating yourself with so much love its insane- and never ever ever does your higher self think anything that is negative about you- its just impossible for it is you and you are it and how can it think badly about in essence...itself? get it?

let me put it in a shorter way of explaining:

that part vibrational higher self is so pure and so good and just love- that if you think anything that is the oppposite of what that vibrational part thinks about you- for example like you said- i feel such shame -i feel so weak- well your vibrational higher part of you- the part that is far more intelligent than you for it lets your heart beat from the day you are born until the last one- whilst you sleep- it is what makes you breath also, it can grown bones and hair and im sure you have no idea how thats done because its not the thinking brain thats doing this- its that higher part would never ever ever think it- its not even an option- its like totally insane for your higher self that YOU are now thinking it and its not even going to engage in any sort of conversation about you being ashamed of yourself instead it gives you the feeling that something is off- so you know that there is something in your thoughts that is not good and you should figure out what it is pronto

so you need to find out what the negative belief is that is obviously limiting you and causing your vibration to split with your higher self- and that is giving you that bad feeling have you ever seen abraham hicks? well they explain what a belief is- its a thought you just thought once- and again, and again and again and you thought it so many times that now its not something that you consciously have to think because when you keep thinking a thought over and over again- it becomes automatic- it becomes ingrained- it becomes a belief- you dont even know what it is anymore because its so real and true to who you are (you believe) that you cant separate it- so what you do is you have to uncover it

how to uncover a limiting belief:

  1. first know- your higher self is DYING for you to uncover this limiting belief- it is literally every second of the day sending thousands of signs and signals and information and help your way you so can uncover it- it is fighting against the beliefs that are limiting believe me it is- it is on your side and most important- your higher self WANTS you to uncover it- so you know that you already have such a big edge on the belief that you always come out a winner- it cant be otherwise- its just that you never knew you had it so you never bothered to uncover it- but now that you do - it will be fast and easy

  2. sit down- close your eyes and say to yourself: why do i feel so insecure? dont let your logical brain give you an answer as it will right away try do that- usually it will blame others so the belief can stay nice and hidden and you never find it- dont let your mind give you an answer straight away- just say out loud- why do i feel so insecure? and leave it blank after- dont THINK of an answer- just literally say the words and think of black space or something.

  3. after that- do something else that has totally nothing to do with any sort of negative belief- do the dishes or whatever- distract yourself

  4. your higher self will give you the belief- it will pop up within the hour just very important- DO NOT THINK OF AN ANSWER- you dont have the answer- let your higher self help you.

good luck.


answered 29 Jun '18, 15:05

Januaryfeelings's gravatar image


thank you so much! i am very familiar with abraham hicks. i will try this exercise and see what happens :-). I am fed up of being sucked in so much into this belief, that i cannot get out of. Thanks again.

(30 Jun '18, 08:08) nbd028

yeah im sorry i forgot to tell you- first you have to believe that it is possible for you to get out of having this belief- the first step is always to believe its possible to change something before you can actually change it. good luck. i think that is what is been holding you back. if you dont believe that you can get out of it- you wont- even if you already uncovered it- it will not feel like you have because you dont believe that it can be uncovered at all- start with that.

(01 Jul '18, 17:36) Januaryfeelings

make a focus block that states: It is possible for me to get out of this belief. work on that. make another one that states: I can uncover any limiting belief. i used to struggle with focus blocks and they never worked and i wasnt understanding why- i did all the right statements- the statements did provide me relief but there was always thing under-lying feeling something wasnt right- and it was the belief that i could never get out of any belief and i could never uncover any belief.

(01 Jul '18, 17:38) Januaryfeelings

after i did those two focus blocks about me being able to change beliefs using focus blocks- i was able to change beliefs using focus blocks. its really funny to me now- but it wasnt so funny back then and its just ridiculous how our brains work literally ITS THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND HERE LOL good luck

(01 Jul '18, 17:40) Januaryfeelings
showing 2 of 4 show 2 more comments

hi nbd028

I am on the other end of the stick, meaning i'm the one who everyone is complaining that im not answering immediately to their massages...haaaaa so it would be easy for me to answer that i geuse.

look, every sutuation is different but, when i write a message to someone, i do it because i feel like and i dont care what their response will be. no matter who it is. i want to say "good morning " or "i love you" or "what are you doing now?" - i write it because that is what i want to do in that exact mommet.

let me be specific --- i DON'T do it because i have to or cause i want to maintain our relationship or because i think he wants me to or because i think this is what you should do...

i do it solely because i feel like.

so, i want to be with someone who writes me back only when he feels like and avalable.

when someone complains that i dont answer on time/ immediately and then i try to - it takes all the fun and authenticity from the content i want to write. because i dont write when i want to. you see, now i write for them . now i write because they want me to, i write for them so they wont feel fearful. and when i do it i feel such nervuos in my fingers and every message takes me twice as much time to write. i feel like im being controled and limited and thats just not me....so the other person gets hurt and i never ment to hurt him. i just didnt wanted to be in a codependent relationship, and be the source of security for him.

if you got that so....

you have to let the space between you be ok.

write because you feel like.

expect no answer from him.

let the relationship flow.


answered 30 Jun '18, 19:21

myself's gravatar image


edited 30 Jun '18, 19:25

Everyone is in their own reality. Yours is different to another, even if you both share a bubble of laughing or connection together.

When I was younger I dated a girlfriend whom I loved dearly, yet, was so attached to her and her mood that everytime she was upset, or in a bad mood, I would think it was because of something I did. My belief was I was responsible for what mood she was in, and therefore, if she was upset or ignoring me, it was almost on account of my 'bad behaviour.' If she didn't open up to me, I thought it was because I could not be trusted. If she did not hug me, I thought I was unattractive and our love was falsehood.

Turns out she was just experiencing her own 'stuff' that I, nor anyone, could figure out. It is not a puzzle to be solved, it is just HER reality not mine.

What did I need to do? Let each to their own. Take nothing personally! Because it is all their reality and has nothing to do with you! Yes I mean nothing!

I used to have this reactive experience with my friends. If my friend didn't text/call me back later that day, after about a couple hours I would begin to think they were avoiding me for some reason on account of a character deficit of mine. Did I upset them? Did I trouble them? Are they secretly angry at me? Maybe theyre passive aggressive at me?

No! Relax! None of your business anyways! Let each to their own, and just get happy without them. If they join you then you can have together, and if they don't, you need to have an attitude of high acceptance that they are allowed to choose whatever they wish, with, or without you. It's all their reality! Relax.

I once was with a friend and whom I was sharing a feel good story of good luck that happened to me. He then was negative about my experience and said heavily, "Yes, but your luck wont last forever and then youll be sorry for believing in magic. Magic doesn't exist forever."

Do you know how I (mentally and internally) responded?

"Yes you are correct.....in YOUR reality!"

Oh that was cheeky. People come and go in their alignment. If they are out of alignment it is their responsibility to get aligned, not yours. You cant even help them if you try!

One time, I also wrote a big "R" on my hand, and it stood for "relax." That way, everytime I encounter a friend or lover whom was behaving in a heavy, negative way in reaction to something -I did- I would always just relax, relax....it's all their reality. They are just speaking to themselves anyways.

Added Edited Bonus Exercise (4.7.2018)

Here is a very daring 'exercise' one could partake in if it is their goal to learn to understand that everyone is in their own reality and to take NOTHING personally. For background reading, I advise to read Rule #2 by Don Miguel Ruiz in his summary of his book The Four Agreements so you can get a better feel as to where my exercise is heading towards. For further context on this skill I will explain you can read Stingray's fireman analogy.

This exercise is titled,

Facing The Petty Tyrant

In your life, identify or find someone who you feel is a bully, or an annoying distracting person, or someone that gets under your skin and makes you annoyed, or someone that just tries to make your living existence hell whenever you are around him/her. The 'worse' they are and more unpredictable they are in their antics, the better.

You want to seek out an absolute tyrant with zero empathy or slightness of compassion with an all out domineering agenda. Perhaps you are familiar with the works of narcissists and psychopaths, to which I would recommend to get one of these. Ideally, you want to find one who is in a position of absolute supreme authority or in a high bureaucratic status but who you also have to interact with. If you cannot find someone like this, then someone who is just annoying and obnoxious is a white-belt level. At black belt level, you want to seek out a manipulator, a deviant like Nurse Ratchet from One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.

alt text

"A petty tyrant is a tormentor. Someone who either holds the power of life and death over warriors or simply annoys them to distraction...A petty tyrant is a person who causes distress by imposing his/her will on others using psychological pressure rather than physical force. The petty tyrant feels he may impose his will because he believes that he is a superior being and because he wants to operate from a position of authority...My benefactor used to say that a warrior who stumbles on a petty tyrant is a lucky one..."- Don Juan, from The Fire From Within.

Now, providing you are in touch with your emotional guidance, you typically may get a gut feeling to avoid this person because of their lowly vibration. And this is obviously wise to listen to your Emotional Guidance System. It is your greatest knowledge available to you and it never expires like an Encyclopedia.

What you are going to do is deliberately try and be around this person more that you normally would. Try and interact with them more, try and talk with them more...just find any excuse you can to be around them physically MORE. And you will notice that they will try and press your buttons and annoy you intentionally.

Your role is to not react. Your role is to reaffirm to yourself "This is ALL THEIR reality. Take nothing personally. This is ALL about them." The game here is to maintain your vibration of being grounded and aligned without them letting them get their hooks into you.

If you get angry, or annoyed, or distracted (and are annoyed about the fact that you got distracted), then you 'lose'. You also lose if you get angry about the fact that they may be deliberately trying to knock you off balance. Consider it a game of vibrational judo, but you don't have to throw them or beat them, you just have to remain standing on your two feet.

You 'win' if you find amusement or entertainment in their efforts to try and spoil your vibration. You win if you maintain being aligned. They may complain, toss passive-aggressive talk your way, call you names, gossip about other people in front of you, endlessly discuss how horrible the world is, pinpoint to you everything you did wrong (and not looking at anything you do right).

Note that this is NOT about 'beating them' at their game or whatever. This is ALL a game you are playing with yourself, and as such, that is the context in which this ought to be 'played.' Your goal is not to prove to them ANYTHING at all. You are not here to FIX them, or shift their vibration higher, or change their agenda, or anything. Your goal is to simply stay aligned as if you are watching the wind blow the leaves of a tree and notice the tree still doesn't move.

And while I am on a martial arts analogy, try and pretend you are the Great Founder of Aikido, Morihei Ueshiba, who was said to be one of the smallest people in existence but one who was spiritually aligned and physically unbeatable. A skilled swordsman once challenged Ueshiba, threatening him with a sharp katana, and Ueshiba unarmed agreed to the challenge. The swordsman tried to kill and hit Ueshiba, but Ueshiba just moved and swayed out of the way in the most gentle expression of movement. In the end, the swordsman gave up due to utter exhaustion, and Ueshiba 'won' due to his opponents lack of will to keep going...All without putting a single hand on his opponent. This is as you ought to proceed; deliberately do not try and 'interfere' with them and they will exhaust themselves eventually, although that is not your goal. Your goal it to not react.

alt text

Rules of this game

  1. Only play it when you are aligned
  2. You are not allowed to play it when unaligned
  3. If your petty tyrant scores a hit on you (triggers a limiting belief in you), stop playing the game and physically get away from them temporarily and realign.
  4. If you find yourself succumbing to their vibration because you are compromising your own, physically get away from them and realign.
  5. You are not allowed to assert your agenda onto your petty tyrant
  6. You are not allowed to label yourself as a victim
  7. You are not allowed to label your petty tyrant as a petty tyrant. They are just 'them' and you are you
  8. Do NOT try and 'understand them' or pontificate why they are behaving the way they are. It is NONE of your business and this is why we are even doing this exercise. It is none of your business. It is their reality, not yours.
  9. As a rule you are to have fun in this game, and to do so, this must be approached from a context of a game (with yourself).
  10. You are to physically be around them as much as possible. If they switch rooms, you switch rooms. If they go out, you offer to come with them. If you know they will be at a party, you go to the party and find them and talk with them.

Have fun, and if you get 'tripped up', don't get angry with yourself. Instead, re-calibrate, re-align, get away from them, and then try again until you find this exercise enjoyable and easy to deal with any person in the world.

You will be truly victorious and be awarded the gold medal top prize and no longer need to play when (your gut tells you, but here are guidelines anyways):

  • You find their efforts to try and upset you childlike and amusing instead of serious and of a violent intent
  • You are able to be happy in their presence instead of previously dreading them or were intimidated by their presence
  • You are able to have genuine fun with them, even if that fun if just self-entertainment
  • You are excited to be around them all the time (now) because you LOVE playing this game
  • You ponder how it was even possible that this person was able to previously annoy you
  • This person no longer wants to be around you and TRIES to avoid you. Or the universe orders you a dish of clattering

Nothing is to be taken personally at all. Everyone is in their own reality.

This exercise is inspired from a mixture of teaching from Carlos Castaneda and Gurdjieff's Fourth Way Philosophy (deliberately seeking out hard realities to sharpen your vibration), and is ripped straight from the book The Fire From Within by Castaneda. As Don Juan puts it, "If one does not have the luxury of the universe giving them a petty tyrant, then one needs to go and seek one out." Have fun with this, I sure do and I am finding this experiment really interesting and a great 'method' to get any relevant limiting beliefs to rise to the surface, so you can clear them and manifest your desires!

Have fun! And yes, you can do it!! And yes, it sure is alot of fun when you can do it!!

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answered 01 Jul '18, 23:01

Nikulas's gravatar image


edited 04 Jul '18, 00:00

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